When PD parents attack you over your gender

[Greenvalley]

I'm sure this is a common pattern in those raised by PD parents. My uNPDm constantly attacked me for being male. Telling me that men were bad, inferior and that I would be hated by women for being just like my father. That is, unless I changed and became the way she wanted me to be.

She basically wanted to beat out any natural aggression that I had in me as a boy/ man so that I would not resist her when she abused me. She also wanted to beat out the natural instincts I had which sensed that a lot was seriously wrong with her. The constant gaslighting, denials, indoctrination.

So I grew up with lots of problems due to this. I would pussyfoot around women and often let them walk all over me. It's just the way I was taught. Not to fight back when women attack you. This has gone on way into my adulthood.

Apparently, women could do no wrong and my defending myself against her was actually me being unreasonable and tantamount to me being aggressive towards her. Over time, I became afflicted by various mental health problems that I had no energy left to resist her and fight back. Thankfully since getting treatment, I've seen through it all. I went NC and it was the best thing.

It sickens me how low PD parents are happy to stoop to hurt their children. They really have no love but pure hate to behave like this. Using anything possible to tear down their children. Trying to make them believe they are bad at the core simply for being a part of the human race.

I'd be interested to hear if anyone has similar stories. I'm sure it happens to boys and girls raised by these monsters.

[Starboard Song]

Can't say I share this experience.

But I do understand this feeling of being torn down from day one. My wife had this experience. Her grandmother always said to her "your brother would cry but you'd stomp your foot." She saw it early on: two different reactions to the treatment.

I am glad you are seeing through it now so you can take ownership and remake yourself. It will take time. Be ever so patient with yourself. Welcome to Out of the FOG.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow. Yes, but I am a woman. It was never overtly stated by my parents, but my father was always disappointed he never had a son. His parents said it overtly, especially his mother.

My mother went along with everything my father said or felt or subtly implied, always, and then magnified it. He was never responsible for his own feelings. So if he was disappointed, it was clearly because Cordelia WAS a disappointment, and she reinforced that narrative at every opportunity. My every mistake or imperfection was magnified to further the narrative. I was also objectified in weird ways with clothing my mother bought me. I was left unprotected in significant ways in the sphere of sexuality.

But with both of us, I don't think our sex is at the core of the issues. It was weaponized against us, absolutely. But my thin body frame and intelligence were also used against me, which generally are positive attributes, but my mother did not share them. I was the scapegoat and anything and everything was fair game. It sounds like you were in a similar position. It wasn't about women, it was about your mom's control alone.

We scapegoat survivors need to reframe and relearn as adults in so many areas of life. Who we are as a man/woman. Body image. Relationship with food. Doing things just for fun. Relationship with God and the world. Friendship. Who we are, full stop. We got messed up early on. But the amazing thing about the human spirit is that we can do this work, and we still have the capacity to grow and develop as long as we are still living. I'm glad you found us, Greenvalley.

[NarcKiddo]

My mother always told me my father did not want children and especially did not want girls.

I am prepared to believe my father did not particularly want children and that he might have preferred a boy.

I am sure my mother wanted children - that is to say her idealised notion of children. Not the messy and tiresome actuality of having to deal with them. She made it clear throughout our childhood what a nuisance we were and how awful it was to have to look after children.

I now believe, however, that my mother is the one who really wanted a boy, and she never got one. Good.

[Cat of the Canals]

I wouldn't use the word "attack," but my mother definitely treated me and my brother differently. (Very intrusive/controlling with me, much more permissive with him.) Part of this was probably being the oldest: she instantly slotted me into all of her preconceived hopes and dreams the second I was born, but I think since we are the same gender, it was easier for her to imagine me as her "Mini-Me." She had a very clear vision of who/what I was supposed to be, and that was that.

She was particularly weird about puberty. I was forbidden to shave my legs, and she kept insisting I "didn't need to wear a bra" despite the fact that I was an early bloomer. She was always dismissive of anything overtly girly that I showed interest in: make up, clothes, etc.

[lindentree]

I'm so sorry.

My N/BPD mom was always critical of boys, calling them hyper and rowdy and rambunctious, "I'm so glad God gave me girls", "I prayed to God for girls". Fast forward and my sister and I produced three grandSONS for her haha.

Her father was NPD so not sure where the hatred of men came from. She's very controlling and domineering, my F was enabling, so men are either bullies (like her F) or idiots (like my F).

[Fiasco]

My BPDm is very egalitarian in her gender based hatred. She believes all men are rap*sts and all women are sluts.

[Pepin]

In my FOO and within DH's FOO, males were revered.  As the oldest and a female in my own FOO, I constantly heard how stupid, dumb and ridiculous I was compared to my Ivy League school attending younger siblings.  To this day, I believe that I was nothing more than their stepping stone.  Whatever I went through first was fixed or made better for them.  My father hated all the other women in the family and complained incessantly about them. 

In DH's family, DH is the hero child that does everything right and well.  Everyone looked to him.  And he apparently loved the attention this status brought him.  When CN MIL died, DH suddenly became the bad guy when all along CN MIL was the bad one.  She set him up to do her dirty work.  It was clear that she hated females and was threatened by any female in the family that was smarter than her....which most of them were.   

[InvisibleDaughter]

I was my NPD Mom's only living child, she had an abortion (she couldn't stand to have another child with my father), and a miscarriage.

I'm a female so my Mom treated me more as competition than a child. I think she enjoyed the fact that I was a fat kid. She had a beautiful figure and couldn't get enough compliments. Once I was older my weight didn't matter because my personality outshined a few extra pounds. My Mom was always jealous and trying to knock down my self esteem.

I suffered in my 20's with deep depression and suicidal thoughts. I met my husband when I was 30 and my life started turning around.  I understand what it feels like to be driven mad, and I'm sorry you experienced that.

My Pastor always says, hurt people hurt people. I know my Mom is damaged goods, she refuses to work through her issues to get better, instead she just wanders through life hurting the people closest to her.

Do you still have contact with your Mom? I was LC for awhile but tried the whole relationship thing again, but I've had enough. I'm going back LC.

[Greenvalley]

I was my NPD Mom's only living child, she had an abortion (she couldn't stand to have another child with my father), and a miscarriage.

I'm a female so my Mom treated me more as competition than a child. I think she enjoyed the fact that I was a fat kid. She had a beautiful figure and couldn't get enough compliments. Once I was older my weight didn't matter because my personality outshined a few extra pounds. My Mom was always jealous and trying to knock down my self esteem.

I suffered in my 20's with deep depression and suicidal thoughts. I met my husband when I was 30 and my life started turning around.  I understand what it feels like to be driven mad, and I'm sorry you experienced that.

My Pastor always says, hurt people hurt people. I know my Mom is damaged goods, she refuses to work through her issues to get better, instead she just wanders through life hurting the people closest to her.

Do you still have contact with your Mom? I was LC for awhile but tried the whole relationship thing again, but I've had enough. I'm going back LC.

Thanks for your message and to all who have contributed to this thread. I'm sorry about your experiences too. To be treated as competition by your mother is just awful. That's the person in the world whom you most expect to love and protect you.

I cut off contact 3 years ago but have been subjected to constant harassment via phone, social media, post and flying monkey relatives. I had run away from her twice before in the past. But, once I started to work on my mental health and started to see everything more clearly, that was it. Three strikes and you are out kind of thing.

I have today received another letter through the post from her. I then decided to report her to the police for harassment. Enough was enough. Police got in touch with me soon after and I have an appointment to speak to an officer in two days time. Apparently, when someone makes a complaint like this, the police have to meet you in person to discuss.

Another thing that my uNPDm has done since I cut off contact was to sell her house in another part of town and move in to my neighbourhood. She now lives only 10 minute walk away from me, I have found out. This is absolutely crazy as well. She saw that I didn't want to speak to her but moved to live closer to me. She did it to upset me and keep up pressure on me. It did upset me greatly when I fund out but now I just don't venture in that direction.

I also think that the 'hurt people hurt people' phrase, whilst having some truth, is too simplistic of an explanation. It misses important truths. For example, the fact that some humans greatly enjoy hurting, controlling and dominating others.

All humans enjoy a bit of control to some degree for sure. In healthy doses and certain situations it can be appropriate. However, I think that with PD people, it goes deeply into unhealthy territory. They literally need control and destruction to survive like they need food and water.

You said your mum enjoyed that you were a fat kid. I might be wrong as I don't know you and your situation, but it sounds like a similar kind of thing. Her enjoying your misfortune.

I too have been on the point of suicide but thankfully it did not get to that.