What's next

[PunkCroc]

So...we were waiting for it, and it finally happened. My maternal grandmother was on hospice and finally passed peacefully in her sleep yesterday. Of course I heard this news from my sister, not my mom. My mom just sent me a text, at like...5:30 pm, asking "Did your sister tell you about grandma? Just wanted to make sure."

Gee mom...thanks for the gentle way of delivering the news. What if my sister HADN'T told me...

I had already known for hours because my sister can bother to communicate. My boyfriend had gotten me some junk food (I asked him for some Taco Bell) came over to listen to a podcast with me, and then took me out to a movie. Losing my dad and both my remaining grandparents within months of each other...he was the only person I wanted to be around yesterday.

But in any case...that's it. I have no grandparents left, on either parent's side, and I only have my mom left. Obviously I still have my sister and her family, and I have some aunts and uncles, but everyone is scattered across different states. There will be no more big family gatherings like there used to be. That whole part of my life is gone for good.

I don't know where to go from here, because while I don't really want to be involved in my mom's life, and I told her I will not come to visit so long as the house is still the hoarder mess it is (she gave me the silent treatment for a few weeks after I said that. ...which I guess that's supposed to be some kind of punishment but...) and I've decided, even though I don't want her at my wedding, in lieu of just not inviting her (which will bring drama) I'm going to tell her the minute she raises her voice at ANYONE will be the minute she's no longer invited. She'll lose her sh*t, but at least then I would be able to point her to a reason why we won't allow her there.

I know I'm set to inherit from my paternal grandmother, which will bring a load of its own drama because my mom thinks she's inheriting all of my grandma's trust and...that's the opposite of what's happening. She'll lose her mind over that too.

My sister was planning to go fully no-contact, but she said she knows if she does that, then she will be a bigger burden on others. I wanted to go no contact as well, but I'm thinking of all the people the family has just lost in a short time span and I know my mom is going to feel abandoned. Which...is largely her own fault, even long time friends of the family don't want to talk to her anymore. But I also know she is grieving to a degree. I just can't tell what behavior is because of grief and what is just her selfishness.

[moglow]

PunkCroc, what I'd suggest you consider is that your mother isn't the only person grieving and struggling with the changes in your family. It's part of what we all go through eventually, but pandering to her grief and "making it all right" for her while disregarding your own serves no one. Every one of us has to manage our own stuff, her included. What I've watched over the years is mother having one meltdown and "I'm all abandoned and nobody loves meeeee!" while everyone else scrambles to take care of her. Know what happens? She demanded more while my/their stuff was all shoved into corners until "later." Far be it for mother to recognize that others are also grieving, or even that they have losses. It's really easy to get caught up in hers then you're lost for a while, it's hard ground to recover later.

[moglow]

And FYI - I know you know this already, but you can and probably should flat out refuse to discuss any/all inheritance issues with her. She can assume whatever she wants but it's not your job to explain any of that or "make it right" for her. If she has questions about details she can take it up with the court just like anyone else.

[PunkCroc]

I haven't really thought much about my own grief. I talk about it with my sister, we talk about our dad and things he used to do. She's a lot more angry at my mom, but she already had a bad relationship with her.

Most of the discussion about my paternal grandmother has been about her will. And about my maternal grandmother was about how my mom didn't visit her and never told her my dad was dead.

My boyfriend has been the one who's been there with me. I probably wouldn't have left the house if he hadn't come taken me out the day of my last grandmas death.

I probably have been thinking too much about what to do with my mom.

My aunt and uncle have decided everything is going to go through the lawyer. They're sick of my mom and I don't blame them. My boyfriend says I should do the same. Anything my mom stirs up, tell her to talk to the lawyer.

[moglow]

Play dumb, admit nothing. She needs to talk to attorney if she has questions, you can't help her. Truly you can't but still. Go with that line.

[Cat of the Canals]

PunkCroc, what I'd suggest you consider is that your mother isn't the only person grieving and struggling with the changes in your family. It's part of what we all go through eventually, but pandering to her grief and "making it all right" for her while disregarding your own serves no one. Every one of us has to manage our own stuff, her included. What I've watched over the years is mother having one meltdown and "I'm all abandoned and nobody loves meeeee!" while everyone else scrambles to take care of her. Know what happens? She demanded more while my/their stuff was all shoved into corners until "later." Far be it for mother to recognize that others are also grieving, or even that they have losses. It's really easy to get caught up in hers then you're lost for a while, it's hard ground to recover later.

I also think playing dumb and saying "you'll have to talk to the attorney" on repeat is a great Medium Chill tactic for this situation.  Inheritance stuff makes even some non-PDs completely irrational, so I think having a response locked and loaded for the inevitable blow-up(s) is a smart.

[PunkCroc]

So I received the paperwork from the attorney. And oh my god my grandma was SAVAGE!!! 

She absolutely did amend her will two days before her death, and she wrote in a clause that says anyone who contests the will LOSES THEIR SHARE!! I'm dead. I am absolutely dying here XD She was smart. My mom hated her and tried to turn us against her, but my grandma was smarter than that. Oh boy my mom is going to hate this, but this is literally the most hilarious thing I have seen all year.

What's even funnier is she reduced the amount my mom is receiving (which we expected) and the two other (highly toxic) family members (whom we have been no contact with for years, not just me, literally my whole immediate family, even mom, have been NC with them) are only receiving 2.5%

I think they only way this could have been funnier is if she'd left them each a dollar (which is a classic way of leaving someone "nothing" but making it obvious that it was done on purpose, not a mistake or lapse in judgement.)

Me and my sister are splitting 45%, my uncle and aunt are receiving 45%. The remaining 10% is split between my mom and these other ne'erdowells.

I just...I laughed until tears rolled out of my eyes.

[moglow]

 
So pleased you've found bright moments in all this misery!!
Refuse to discuss it with mom no matter what she says. It's not your will and you're under no obligation to explain anything to anyone or even to listen to her whinging. As an heir, she'll get [or can request] a copy. Personally if she launched into all that anyway, I'd be sorely tempted to let her know you KNOW how she treated dad at the end, that you saw the texts etc. and grandma did the right thing. Mom could have helped ease his passing but she chose not. We truly reap what we sow. Consider this her reaping.

[M0009803]

So I received the paperwork from the attorney. And oh my god my grandma was SAVAGE!!! 

She absolutely did amend her will two days before her death, and she wrote in a clause that says anyone who contests the will LOSES THEIR SHARE!! I'm dead. I am absolutely dying here XD She was smart. My mom hated her and tried to turn us against her, but my grandma was smarter than that. Oh boy my mom is going to hate this, but this is literally the most hilarious thing I have seen all year.

What's even funnier is she reduced the amount my mom is receiving (which we expected) and the two other (highly toxic) family members (whom we have been no contact with for years, not just me, literally my whole immediate family, even mom, have been NC with them) are only receiving 2.5%

I think they only way this could have been funnier is if she'd left them each a dollar (which is a classic way of leaving someone "nothing" but making it obvious that it was done on purpose, not a mistake or lapse in judgement.)

Me and my sister are splitting 45%, my uncle and aunt are receiving 45%. The remaining 10% is split between my mom and these other ne'erdowells.

I just...I laughed until tears rolled out of my eyes.

I am so happy to hear an inheritance story on here turned out so well.

Many kudos to your Grandma for doing something about it (and may she rest in peace as well).