05/18/23

[StartingHealing]

Greetings all.

5/18/23 is the day for court.  If I count that day, it will be 10 months and 21 days since she was removed from the property in shiny police issue bracelets.

I can smile about that now.  I'm sure it was a hella shock for her but from then till right now, it's been overall really, really, really NICE     Yes, I've had some days where beating my head against a concrete wall would have been more fun, you know?  But even counting those days, it is so much better.  To not be subject to the stream of unending complaints about anything and nothing.  And then she would wonder why her "life" was so crappy.  To not have to walk around on eggshells because who knew what would set her off?  Lost some more inches around the belly as well. 

Sometimes I wonder if she was talking to hear herself talk or was she talking to herself from the actors or directors perspective?   Rhetorical question. Well, she was starring in and directing her own movie that only she had the script for.  But I was supposed to "know" it and play along or read her mind.  SMH

I admit that there are times I still feel saddened by the events.  Relief in the knowing that it wouldn't have mattered if I was there or not.  She would be following the same playbook.    From the intel that I have picked up she's doing exactly the same pattern for her new supply as she did on me.  Some differences but basically the same old song and dance that she did on me, she's doing on her new supply,   

Have a pre-trial meeting with the lawyer tomorrow.  Going to run over some final things and brush me up for the cross examine.  And if the judge decides to go into questioning mode.

Her son is going with me.  According to him I did earn the title Dad and he realizes how messed up she is.   IDK could be a good way to get her 'unsettled'.   

I really don't know what the outcome will be. I'm shooting to keep the house, do a refinance so she can get a lump sum, and then at least now where I'm living, there is a maximum length of time for support. 3 years.  Lawyer figures to start low and allow some upward movement on that.   Sometimes it does stick in my craw that she is going to get anything.  Considering that in 25 years there were 2 years where she actually brought in enough $ to be of benefit to the family.  Equal partnership right?  And then starting to think about credit cards and the interest and .... was a net drain on everything.  Not to mention the LARPing, and then all the damn super special supplements to lose weight, and and and and.

However, the courts have a expectation that she is due something.  So indeed, something will be given.  At the least amount as possible.

will have to see how much victim she is going to attempt to play.  I already know from what little she has disclosed that she is attempting to push the narrative that she's the victim.  Even from herself I reckon.   I don't remember who said it but it's something like " Not taking action is an action"   which she was way full of non action. Even for her own interests.   

Lots of mixed emotions at the moment.  Nervous, kinda stressing a bit because of not knowing what will happen in court, anticipation of finally having that decree that states that it's over and then to "officially" start my next phase in life, still maintaining work and school, (yeah, when the universe throws stuff at me, definitely not a respecter of persons) 

Wishing all here, all the best.

[losingmyself]

Rooting for you!! Hope all goes well!

[escapingman]

You got this, you really do. I went through almost the identical scenario, yes it cost me money, but I gained freedom. Push this over the line and move on with your life!

[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing,
Wow, what an inspiration this post is for those of us still "in it"...literally I'm living this as I write...To not be subject to the stream of unending complaints about anything and nothing.  And then she would wonder why her "life" was so crappy.  To not have to walk around on eggshells because who knew what would set her off? 

That is my daily reality at the moment, hard to even imagine not being in that 24/7.

Good for you for taking the courage to make the leap. Thanks for keeping us updated...looking forward to hearing how the 18th goes.

user,

My apologies if I brought something up that is difficult for you.  Having been through it, I don't wish it on anyone.

It was really odd.  At the beginning of NC, it was like at home there was some residue (work was always a place of refuge) but over the days, weeks, months, I found myself that home was a place where I would hurry back to.   It turned into the refuge that I had always wondered about having.   It really struck me when I was brushing my teeth before bed about 3 months in and it hit like a bolt from the blue, no complaints about the tooth paste, or the toothbrush, or the bed sheets, or any number of innumerable things that were complained about.  Also no late night circular arguments.  Was common for her to do the "We need to talk" thing just before bed.  And then I'd end up going to work with 2 maybe 3 hours of shut eye, then she would complain because I was dragging ass when I got home that day, but heaven help me if I wanted to go to sleep before she did. (Because she didn't work she could sleep however long)  Because going to sleep at the same time was how {real} couples "prove" their love to each other.  Yet she refused to cuddle with me.  Before her, I was a huge cuddle bug,  Didn't take long getting slapped in the face or center of chest to break me of ever attempting to cuddle with her, even dead out,  she would move towards me and I would move away.   And then of course I wasn't "man" enough to {push through} the abuse to cuddle with her. 

There was always something.  If I rolled over in my sleep, that proved I didn't love her.  If I didn't go to sleep facing her, I didn't love her, yada, yada, yada.  Oh yeah, if I put on my sleep top before putting on my sleep bottoms was a sign of disrespect towards her.  Shoot, even wearing socks at times was me being disrespectful to her when all I had was cold feet.

Honestly, typing all this out and re-reading it gives me a WTF?! moment or two.  Just the sheer amount of on going "drama" that was created.  I don't know if it was intentional or not. 

Anyhoo,  will definitely keep folks here updated. 

Wishing all here all the best.

[SonofThunder]

StartingHealing,
Wow, what an inspiration this post is for those of us still "in it"...literally I'm living this as I write...To not be subject to the stream of unending complaints about anything and nothing.  And then she would wonder why her "life" was so crappy.  To not have to walk around on eggshells because who knew what would set her off? 

That is my daily reality at the moment, hard to even imagine not being in that 24/7.

Good for you for taking the courage to make the leap. Thanks for keeping us updated...looking forward to hearing how the 18th goes.

user,

My apologies if I brought something up that is difficult for you.  Having been through it, I don't wish it on anyone.

It was really odd.  At the beginning of NC, it was like at home there was some residue (work was always a place of refuge) but over the days, weeks, months, I found myself that home was a place where I would hurry back to.   It turned into the refuge that I had always wondered about having.   It really struck me when I was brushing my teeth before bed about 3 months in and it hit like a bolt from the blue, no complaints about the tooth paste, or the toothbrush, or the bed sheets, or any number of innumerable things that were complained about.  Also no late night circular arguments.  Was common for her to do the "We need to talk" thing just before bed.  And then I'd end up going to work with 2 maybe 3 hours of shut eye, then she would complain because I was dragging ass when I got home that day, but heaven help me if I wanted to go to sleep before she did. (Because she didn't work she could sleep however long)  Because going to sleep at the same time was how {real} couples "prove" their love to each other.  Yet she refused to cuddle with me.  Before her, I was a huge cuddle bug,  Didn't take long getting slapped in the face or center of chest to break me of ever attempting to cuddle with her, even dead out,  she would move towards me and I would move away.   And then of course I wasn't "man" enough to {push through} the abuse to cuddle with her. 

There was always something.  If I rolled over in my sleep, that proved I didn't love her.  If I didn't go to sleep facing her, I didn't love her, yada, yada, yada.  Oh yeah, if I put on my sleep top before putting on my sleep bottoms was a sign of disrespect towards her.  Shoot, even wearing socks at times was me being disrespectful to her when all I had was cold feet.

Honestly, typing all this out and re-reading it gives me a WTF?! moment or two.  Just the sheer amount of on going "drama" that was created.  I don't know if it was intentional or not. 

Anyhoo,  will definitely keep folks here updated. 

Wishing all here all the best.

StartingHealing, I can relate to much of your new experiences, now living on my own. In addition, similar experiences in the marriage bed. Wishing you the best on the 18th!

SoT

[StartingHealing]

losingmyself

escapingman

Thank you for the well wishes!!! Tis deeply appreciated.

SonofThunder:

I'm still gobsmacked by how much of my behavior was based around her particularities.  To sum it up, rules for thee but not for me, yes? 

It's such a different experience that it's like "dddddaaaaaaammmmmnnnn" this feels gooooooooooodddddddd.   

No temper tantrums because a fork was left in the sink over night.  Or complaints about how roasty the coffee was. (Even if I cut it with water she'd still complain that it was too roasty.)  No complaints because there isn't anything to watch.  No unexpected amazon deliveries, no daily drama with the neighbors,  no future faking ( she loved to get into a fantasy within her movie about how wonderful everything is gonna be when X.  (Course X was a good 7 years of hard labor needed on my part.  Typically.)  Meanwhile doing what seemed like everything in her power to fuck up getting to X.  Chuckle, no complaints about dinner (which I usually did because she couldn't figure out something)  I mean really?  The one thing that I asked for, one hot meal a day when I'm working.  Guess that was too big of an ask. 

And I have discovered the proper way to taste spirits.  That has also been a large enjoyment I have along with picking up photography.  Did learn that for me, I need to have a creative outlet of some kind.  Photography fits that.  Plus I went old school.  35mm film.  Really interesting digging into the optics, crap the mechanics of some of these cameras    A camera that can move a mechanical shutter in 1/1000th of a second?  Damn man that's impressive. 

user:

I wish that we could have become acquainted in better circumstances.  By going through what we have individually, we "savvy" when another mentions this, or that,  concerning the behavior of the PD. 

Will come back here the day after at the latest and lay out how court went. 

Wishing all here, all the best. 

[SonofThunder]

Will be keeping you in thought and prayer for your tomorrow. 

SoT

[losingmyself]

Thinking of you today!!
Looking forward to hearing how it went!
Good luck and good thoughts coming your way today

[Poison Ivy]

 

[BeautifulCrazy]

Thinking of you today!
Sending lots of good energy and prayers.

[escapingman]

Hope all has gone well today, I am thinking of you and cheering for you! Good luck!

[square]

Another cheer over here.

[StartingHealing]

Greetings!

Yesterday was as one would imagine exceptionally intense.  In short, I can refi the dwelling and basically buy her out of her interest there.  The other thing is that she played the victim card so hard I swear it was beat to death.   She actually claimed she's living in a tent on national forest land.  It's possible but it doesn't fall within what she used to do.  Her idea of roughing it was a fully stocked RV.  yeah.

The mindfulness techniques I've been practicing did come in handy as the natural reaction of being around the stbx? the ex? that part isn't clear yet.  There were certain parts of the case that the judge had to take on advisement.  Alimony and  if I should be paying her lawyer fees were the two areas he needed to look at.  Seeing her and then hearing her started the same old reaction, but I was able to get ahead of it and keep my cognitive faculties from going off line. 

She did screw up by not responding to any of my lawyers requests for settlement.  And in a negotiation, one side starts low, the other counters high, and back and forth till a middle ground was reached. 

The judge was also being, "unprofessional" in his conduct towards me.  IDK if I reminded him of a person that his person cheated with or what but, DAMN.  My law dog was pissed.  Will see if there is a method of lodging a official complaint.  yes it was that bad.  maybe the judge is one of the gender defender folks IDK.

Another thing I did notice in the middle of the shit show was that my emotional state I was in affected the amount of pain I was feeling in my back.  I've been having spinal alignment issues, the vertebra move out of place, causes pinched nerves, muscle spasms, pain etc.   Everything was good leading up to the trial, but once it got going, whoooooo buddy,  so somehow in the midst of the chaos, I was able to find enough peace to relax enough so my back didn't hurt as severely.

Let's see, she did request to go back to her maiden name, and then there was some more oddball crap that she wanted.  I'll be leaving shortly to deliver the items to my attorney.  He can handle it from there.

I also need to speak to him about obtaining another order of protection.   

Not completely over with yet, however some major steps taken!

Wishing all here, all the best

[escapingman]

Thanks for the update and I can feel your pain. Your stbx did the exact same as my xw, overplayed the victim card but got believed by a system unfit for purpose. I am sorry to hear about your back, but hopefully all will go back to normal when contact is limited again, I too suffer from a bad back but it has been better since no contact. I also found it hard to see her in court, neither of us spoke but just o see her was like watching a ghost.

Keep up the good work and well done! Hope the outcome will be good for you, but remember you freedom is your biggest price.

[SonofThunder]

StartingHealing,

Im glad the day didn't turn out drastically different than you expected with a PD.  Sorry to read the judge did not treat you fairly, and that your back pain kicked into gear.  Glad you were able to complete some major steps! 

SoT

[losingmyself]

Glad you checked in. I wish it would have gone better for you, but forward movement? Slow and jerky. But forward.