Living with BPD Daughter and Verbal Abuse

[desperatedad]

Our daughter started experiencing BPD type symptoms/behavior right before turning 18. A Dr. confirmed she likely had some type of PD.  In the past 1-2 years she has gone through multiple therapists only agreeing to sporadic appointments and has had several visits to the hospital in what I can describe as mental breakdown/panic attack type events. Being that she is over 18 now, we as parents, no longer have any visibility into what she has officially been diagnosed with and she refuses to seek treatment of any kind. She has convinced herself that there is nothing wrong.

However, every month that goes by she seems to be deteriorating with more disruptive and self-destructive behavior, although not suicidal. She seems to be stuck in a loop where she is normal for two weeks then becomes confused, explodes and experiences a breakdown that lasts 4-5 days. The erratic behavior starts with extremely cruel verbal outbursts targeting her mother. The verbal attacks are her single outlet for all of her issues/anger. After an event she is normal again and interacts with her family like nothing happened?  Then the cycle repeats itself.

It is becoming difficult to live together and our immediate and extended family are heartbroken for all involved. Does anyone have any advice on how to convince a young adult that they need to seek treatment?  If this continues how do live with it? Is the only alternative to ask them to move out and assist them with living arrangements?

[Poison Ivy]

I don't have any suggestions. I do want to let you know that I've read your post and wish you and your wife weren't dealing with this heartbreaking situation.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. How heartbreaking and concerning to see your daughter spiraling and your wife targeted in this way. Something you didn't mention is if your daughter acts out in this way toward siblings, you, employers, strangers, friends?

And as odd as it may sound, it seems it is cyclical. Could it be tied to her menstrual cycle? I'm sure you all have already considered that possible connection.

Ultimately, your daughter is old enough to cooperate and consent to medical & psychological evaluation and possibly treatment or not, but then as an adult she is responsible for her toxic treatment of her family when she is destabilized.

Only you and your dear wife can figure out what you are comfortable in negotiating with her, but continuing to live with you, and I assume be fully financially and physically supported by you does come with the expectation all of the adults in the home be responsible to do what they need to do for their health and well being. Addressing whatever is going on with her is what adults do to the best of their ability. It seems her poor behavior isn't enough to compel her to get the help she needs. I'm sorry that may be the case.

Have you and your wife thought of finding a therapist for you both that could support you as you find the best path forward?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm glad you found us, DesperateDad, and so sorry for the terrible circumstances that led you here.   Most of us find studying the Toolbox and other resources here to be very helpful.  I also appreciated being able to review past posts to get more ideas.

Young adulthood is such a difficult age to convince someone to see a therapist.  My thoughts were along the lines of what Bloomie said, the possibility of making treatment a condition of living there.  Of course, dragging a teen to therapy doesn't necessarily make for a very open and willing patient and this may not be something you want to do.  I did find it to be better than nothing.

Maybe times have changed, but it used to be that when a young adult was hospitalized with the intention of being discharged back to the parents, you could request to speak with someone in the hospital care team who could give you an update and some suggestions. 

A very consequential step (which i chose not to take, but works for some) is to go to court to obtain guardianship.  This restores the rights the parent had before the child turned 18.  It didn't feel right for me, so I never pursued it and don't know where to tap resources to investigate this.  But I'm sure they're out there if you're interested.

Also NAMI has family groups where you can meet and talk with other parents and loved ones going through similar things.  The support can really make a difference and you can get a lot of information from that network. 

I wish you the best.  Please let us know how you're doing.

[bloomie]

desparatedad - I wanted to pop back in with a couple of potential resources for you:

Books:
I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help by Xavier Amador
Done With The Crying by Sheri McGregor

I also found this article about a condition called Anosognsia compelling and enlightening and am wondering if it may be of interest to you as you explore the disconnect between your daughter's outbursts and return to normal cycle.

https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Anosognosia

Sending strength and wisdom today!

[Srcyu]

I've very recently learnt that we all have two main sections in our brain that control behaviour from a "mental breakdown" point of view. They are the emotional and the rational areas. They are supposed to work in unison and when they do, we display normal and acceptable behaviours.

At times the emotional section buried deep in our brain manages to take over - triggered by the fight or flight mechanism.  These episodes are considered unacceptable and usually lead to hospitalisations.

The rational section based at the front of our brain, eventually regains control and normal, calmer behaviour returns.
If the original problem that triggered the emotional hijack remains, then the cycle may continue.

It helps a lot, I find, to be able to understand a little bit of what is literally going on in their heads.


milly

[lillylover]

Hi desperatedad,

I'm so sorry for what is taking place with your dear daughter and how it affects her mom.

I wonder if bloomie might have a point here where she says:
"And as odd as it may sound, it seems it is cyclical. Could it be tied to her menstrual cycle? I'm sure you all have already considered that possible connection."


I'll tell you why I say this.  This is a bit of a variant but along the same line as hormonal issues. Sometimes young women of this age (or younger but past puberty) develop a hormonal imbalance whereby they have an output of too much testosterone.  That  messes with the menstrual cycle and manifests in ways such being pugnacious in the way you have described.  And that your dd's behavior seems cyclical may indeed be indicative of a hormonal imbalance. It  may not be that at all but it might be something to consider.

I wonder if your daughter might be willing to go to an endochrinologist just to get checked out. If in fact there is a hormonal imbalance of this nature I believe that way of dealing with this still is to go on the Pill which straightens out the hormones some and then there is more of an even keel personality. But that would be for a doctor to decide if in fact there is a hormonal imbalance and the best way to treat it.  This kind of doctor would also  check for PCOS while at it.  PCOS is not the most uncommon malady for women but if it is at the crux of the issue PCOS puts the  hormones into imbalance (again too much testosterone).   

Anyway Just a suggestion. A possibility.

Wishing you and yours the best.

[Leonor]

Hi desperatedad,

Wishing you all much healing.

I, too, found the cyclical nature of your daughter's behavior interesting. It reminded me of cyclothymia, which is similar to bipolar but without the super dramatic highs and lows.

It must be uncomfortable for your daughter to have these strong feelings and frustrations, too. Perhaps approaching the issue as a way to help her feel better and for you and her mother to learn how to support her (rather than singling her out as a problem or diagnosis) can get around the defensiveness your daughter might feel around this issue.

I would also kindly suggest approaching the issue with your daughter when she is feeling stable and you are all feeling closer, as a way to stay close and foster those good feelings, rather than around the tougher times.

[Latchkey]

Hi desperatedad,
I'm glad you found us. None of us can diagnose here, but I agree the sudden onset right before 18 and the cycling behavior is something to consider before you jump into a PD diagnosis.

If you can give us a little more background on how she is doing that would help us give you more support. There are a number of parents of adult children with PDs here but all of their stories are a bit different.

Is your daughter working or in school?
Does she have siblings in the house or friends that are also dealing with this behavior?

I agree that finding help for yourself, a therapist to work though this should give you some clarity on next steps.