I just .....

[Boat Babe]

 

I spent 4 weeks nursing her back to health, jumped through multiple administrative hoops to get care in place, sorted everything out and took her home again. Now she wants to cancel the care package because "it costs money" . She HAS money and I am applying for additional govt support which she will get and which will actually cover most of it anyway.  And "Estelle's mother cancelled her care and her children look after her" .  And "I need that govt money to pay for an electrician " (totally unrelated and not what the money is for)   And "The carer doesn't clean in the corners"  etc etc  Oh, and she's finally got over the fact that the poor woman who has to put up with this is black

[wisingup]

Oh Boat Babe, it just doesn't end does it?  And there is apparently no reward or gratitude for your efforts - just demands for more of your time & attention. 

Please remember that your quality of life matters as much as hers.  No truly loving mother would want her child to be stressed and miserable on her behalf.  It's a test to see how loyal you are to her & frankly, I encourage you to fail this test.  Be less competent & less dependable. (Taking notes to follow my own advice...)

Estelle's mom is probably a lot nicer to her kids.

[SonofThunder]

Oh Boat Babe, it just doesn't end does it?  And there is apparently no reward or gratitude for your efforts - just demands for more of your time & attention. 

Please remember that your quality of life matters as much as hers.  No truly loving mother would want her child to be stressed and miserable on her behalf.  It's a test to see how loyal you are to her & frankly, I encourage you to fail this test.  Be less competent & less dependable.

SoT

[Boat Babe]

Estelle's mom is probably a lot nicer to her kids.

And there's more of them 

Thanks hun

[moglow]

How awful would it be to respond to the Estelle comparison with "Thats nice. Unfortunately that's not an option for us." Period. No discussion. Let her know if she pursues canceling the care there's nothing you can for for her. You're doing what you are able to get her care, if she doesn't want it she'll need to figure it out for herself. And that you can call elder care services in her area to ask that they contact her going forward.

You can't force any of this on her but you can refuse to be that person yourself. Gritting my teeth for you while I strengthen my own resolve too.

[bloomie]

Boat Babe - this is the most challenging stretch in a long road with elders where whatever ability to see the bigger picture and any logic to apply to their current reality once there is gone. But, not so gone one can justify overriding their stated wishes. If I am understanding where your mom is at correctly.

"Estelle's mother cancelled her care and her children look after her"

Clearly what you mother wants and expects. You are already looking after your mother. Sacrificially, lovingly, patiently looking after, from what you describe, an uncooperative, ungrateful, petulant mother.

I keep coming back to the pridefulness inherent in these power struggles. The comparisons and undermining of adult children running ragged to love and care for them. And the hoarding of financial resources that could ease the load for you and give you some assurance she has what she needs, and for what?

So no-one 'sees' she needs carers. So everyone 'sees' she was as good a mother as Estelle.   

A recent very public melt down when carers were arranged for our elder had her screeching: "I need my independence and privacy!!!!" Reality check - she  dresses and bathes herself, turns off/on her TV 'independently' most of the time until she gets the remotes mixed up  , she opens and closes her door, she walks, teetering back and forth with a walker 'independently'. Every single other thing in her life is done for her which allows her the appearance that she lives 'alone' at an advanced age which she is managing terribly but takes GREAT pride in.

What is your plan, dear Boat Babe, in response to this latest?

[Boat Babe]

Thank you Bloomie - great points as always. The hoarding of resources is particularly and painfully bonkers because she insists that all the money she is saving "is for you dear" but she doesn't want to spend it to make her life more comfortable (my stated wishes for her and her money) or to make my life easier in the present moment.  Ah, personality disorder how we love thee!

I hope you and your DH are getting some respite from your MIL's desperate attempts to assert control in the last years of her life.  On that subject, I read a great book by Ram Dass on ageing and dying as my thoughts are turning to my own mortality (66 next month - yikes!) and he had so much wisdom to impart - really blew my mind. I intend to live as vividly and as ethically as possible to my last breath, with compassion for inevitable failures! Sending hugs.