8 Months Into Divorce…

[WhiteWolf]

I haven't posted an update in awhile. Mainly because it's the same old fun cycle just in short time period rinse and repeat.

I think we've gone through about 5 or 6 cycles of, he asks if I "really" want a divorce, I have to drum up the courage to say yes because I know what's coming, there's a horrible abusive episode afterward in which he threatens to kill himself and or my financial standing will be ruined and then after a few days or weeks of nauseating niceness he's back to "but do you really want a divorce?"    I've started just refusing to answer anymore but that just brings on the verbal backlash anyway so not sure that's any different. And makes me feel spineless when I'm really trying to change into the opposite.

I filed for divorce at the end of September last year and it's proceeding along at a snail's pace. He doesn't really do any parenting time separately. Which I'm thankful for on one hand because I'm not away from my children which scares the **** out of me still to this day. He tried to "tell me" he was taking the children away for a weekend recently which his lawyer supposedly approved, even though our current parenting admonition by the court says nothing about overnights, but I freaked out and he backed off. I think in some way I'm still allowing him around me more (ie allowing the abuse on some level) still sacrificing myself so he doesn't try to take the kids away from me for long periods.

He's really upped the triangulation card in recent days as he's supposedly torn between me who he loves so much and this other woman who makes him feel like a "hero". Good luck sister. But he insists I have to be the one to "let him go" because he can't and that I'm blocking his chance at happiness. Amazing how just recently it was he was going to off himself instead because he just couldn't live without me.

For me personally, I've changed so much and really like who I'm becoming, except for reverting back to a pansy the last few days in the face of his onslaught but really my life is quite different now and so much better. I'm so happy away from him.

Feeling quite a bit of pressure to decide on whether to renew my rental agreement, which I really can't afford, or try to move farther away to a house I can afford to rent, or just buy a house which would be cheaper monthly, amazingly. And then decide on whether to continue homeschooling my children next year or send them to public school and one that actually has a good reputation (the district we're in doesn't and I can't choice into the better district). I'm also in denial about health insurance, I hope the kids could stay on his if he doesn't flake and quit his job, but I'll be out quite a lot of money per month to pay for mine when the divorce goes through. It's really quite a lot of burden I feel all on my shoulders. And then he acts nice and throws off my game.

I've attempted no contact which doesn't produce helpful results. Not answering the phone means he calls dozens of times. Blocking means he'll just show up at the door and suddenly want to take the kids for parenting time or calls them on the iPad and proceeds to talk to me instead. It's really pointless. He's proven a restraining order doesn't do anything either and would just jeopardize his job which he needs to keep. And now it seems to be my fault his head is not in the game at work and he almost collapsed and is in so much pain and can't stop crying and on and on.....

Anyway if you've gotten to the end of this I commend you and humbly thank you for supportively listening. 🙏🏻

[Poison Ivy]

I admire your fortitude. There's an old saying (maybe originally from Winston Churchill?) that seems appropriate at this stage: When you're going through hell, keep going.

[escapingman]

Whitewolf, I hear you and I can really feel your pain.

When I first told my xw about the divorce she refused to accept it and begged for another chance and for couple therapy. I was Out of the FOG by then but gave it a go purely based on knowing then I could say I tried. The sessions got exactly as expected, all about her and her victimhood and how horrible I was. She rapidly got back to normal I then filed for divorce, which she didn't take lightly and question me why I filed and that she thought the divorce was off. 4 months of living together trying to move on with the divorce, that was a living hell as she circled between love bombing me to change my mind, screaming in anger blaming me for everything and lying down crying on the floor begging me to stop this. She also made up stories to tell her GC about how I mistreated her and in the end created such a wedge between us that I have not been able to see my daughter for a year.

What I am trying to say Whitewolf, can you separate from him now? This is only going to get worse? Are you safe? Even if he hasn't been violent in the past, he might now when he is losing his control. In the end, I didn't know what uNPDxw would be capable of, I could see scenes of her throwing herself down the stairs and then blame me for pushing her. Or coming in at night and stabbing me with a knife. An injured PD is the most dangerous you could ever imagine to be near, please take care.

All my love.

[WhiteWolf]

Poison Ivy - that quote is very much applicable to my situation, thank you! I liken it to psychological torture. At least that's what it feels like.

escapingman - I really appreciate your encouragement as well, thank you! He is living separately from me and the kids, and actually was violent, he assaulted me which kicked off this divorce process. He swears up and down he wouldn't do that again and has stopped drinking but I'll never trust that again. I read your recent update and really want to encourage you as well, you've come so far! Bravo!