Further Validation... not that I really needed it

[bloomie]

Early on in my marriage mil accused me of being insincere. Because I thanked her too much for gifts.  Not to my face mind you, but to DH and other family members. Know also, that the gratitude and thoughtfulness target is only hit when those gestures exactly mimic how uPDmil does them. Well... okay then.

Recently, I lost the last elder in my FOO. She was not a parent, but like a parent and I am grieving her loss in my life. Truly the end of an era that sustained me as a child and where I was loved. MIL is well aware that my dear family member passed away and it has been radio silence. Until about an hour into a family gathering when MIL shouts across the room making sure to position herself for all to see and hear ... "Bloomie, I heard your loved one died. I'm sorry. Was she a Christian?"   

Mil is the living definition of insincere, inauthentic, scene stealing with calculated precision even at an advanced age. If you don't know her well, near impossible to spot as she poses.

But I am the insincere one. 

"Projection: The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits."
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/projection

Projection much? It's a real thing. 

[Leonor]

Hi Bloomie,

I'm sorry for your loss. Please hold close to your heart that all the love you received from this special person comes through in the care and solace you offer to all of us here.

I think our sensor for what is covert and what is overt may be off. If I was at that table, without knowing you or your MIL, and heard what your MIL bleated out, I would think,  "Wow, how insensitive," followed quickly by, "Were they a what? What difference does that make?"

Just because we're used to it doesn't mean that other folks aren't aware. Often it's the people on the outside, like good friends, supportive spouses, or trained therapists, who are among the first to point out that the behavior we are living with is unacceptable.

Again, my sympathies.

[notrightinthehead]

I am sorry for your loss.
When I lost the last of the generation before mine, besides being sad, I thought now I am the first in line. None of the old guard left.
Strange question about religion, I hope you had an answer that made you feel dignified. That's all that matters, that you behave in a way that allows you to feel good about yourself.

[moglow]

Bloomie, I'm sorry for your loss and the insincerity you were faced with from MIL. Uncalled fort, even if par for the course with her. Why could she not take a private moment to say a few words?? I suspect more than one person there felt that WTH moment with you.

If I was at that table, without knowing you or your MIL, and heard what your MIL bleated out, I would think,  "Wow, how insensitive," followed quickly by, "Were they a what? What difference does that make?"

Right? Had we been there, I'm afraid that would have been written all over my face for the world to see. I'm a lot quicker to speak up than I used to be, might have spouted how much I'm sure you appreciate her "compassion." sarcasm intended

[Tribe16]

Bloomie, I'm very sorry for the loss of your special loved one.

Your MIL's behavior was so inappropriate others I'm sure couldn't help but notice - but because she is probably formidable, they keep their heads down. I hope for your sake they reach out privately and offer their kindness to you.

If you haven't already, watch Dr. Ramani's explanation about projection on YouTube. I learned a lot from it. A couple of my mom's "projections" are 1) I lack empathy and 2) I'm status conscious and overly concerned with impressing people. Thankfully I know those things aren't true. As I sit here typing in my mud-stained jeans and grubby tennies after slugging mulch and top soil in one of my flower beds this morning - sure I could change, but it's comfy  On the other hand, my mother loves to lord over me how I have no problems in my life and have no right to complain about anything and that her life is much more difficult than the average person (she is very good at diminishing mine so I don't share problems with her) and her house, garden, clothing, list making, martyrdom, is picture perfect at all times.

[bloomie]

Hi Bloomie,

I'm sorry for your loss. Please hold close to your heart that all the love you received from this special person comes through in the care and solace you offer to all of us here.

I think our sensor for what is covert and what is overt may be off. If I was at that table, without knowing you or your MIL, and heard what your MIL bleated out, I would think,  "Wow, how insensitive," followed quickly by, "Were they a what? What difference does that make?"

Just because we're used to it doesn't mean that other folks aren't aware. Often it's the people on the outside, like good friends, supportive spouses, or trained therapists, who are among the first to point out that the behavior we are living with is unacceptable.

Again, my sympathies.

Thank you, Leonor. I do so hold close the love and interest and care I was shown!

You make a very good point. It is probably the sense of isolation that comes from the years of invalidation that has my covert/overt meter off. I appreciate you pointing that out. I will examine that.

I guess I am pretty convinced that, with elderly people, or those who can put on the waif like a champ, it is easy to miss or dismiss their lack of manners, insensitivity and human caring for others. And also to miss that most often when they make a half hearted gesture it is self seeking, judgmental, and an act. How do I know that? Because of the mean spirited things said or done afterward or the lack of follow through in offering more than superficial acknowledgment of the loss.

Mil has always had an avid curiosity about my loved one, but never a sincere interest, if that makes sense. Always a sniff of disapproval of how much we meant to each other. Behind the question of my loved one's Christianity was the comments over the years that they didn't 'live' like mil does, aka go to 'church'  therefore this was mil's way to point out and question. Publicly. 

[bloomie]

I am sorry for your loss.
When I lost the last of the generation before mine, besides being sad, I thought now I am the first in line. None of the old guard left.
Strange question about religion, I hope you had an answer that made you feel dignified. That's all that matters, that you behave in a way that allows you to feel good about yourself.

notright - it is a strange feeling when we become the old guard!!! 🤣 It is a lot to sort through.

I was able to respond in a way that honored my loved one, I surely do hope. It was a rough gathering for me anyway, but I did okay.  Still resetting!

[bloomie]

Bloomie, I'm sorry for your loss and the insincerity you were faced with from MIL. Uncalled fort, even if par for the course with her. Why could she not take a private moment to say a few words?? I suspect more than one person there felt that WTH moment with you.

If I was at that table, without knowing you or your MIL, and heard what your MIL bleated out, I would think,  "Wow, how insensitive," followed quickly by, "Were they a what? What difference does that make?"

Right? Had we been there, I'm afraid that would have been written all over my face for the world to see. I'm a lot quicker to speak up than I used to be, might have spouted how much I'm sure you appreciate her "compassion." sarcasm intended

Thank you, Moglow! The solidarity you offer actually brings me to tears. Kinda raw right now.

Sometimes the sense that I am the only one aware there is a tiny, elderly, mean girl in the room gets me down. Like others have pointed out, there are most likely others who see it, but even if they don't, I still know what DH and I have dealt with. And that this person is not safe and every encounter will cost us something.

Bloomie, I'm very sorry for the loss of your special loved one.

Your MIL's behavior was so inappropriate others I'm sure couldn't help but notice - but because she is probably formidable, they keep their heads down. I hope for your sake they reach out privately and offer their kindness to you.

If you haven't already, watch Dr. Ramani's explanation about projection on YouTube. I learned a lot from it. A couple of my mom's "projections" are 1) I lack empathy and 2) I'm status conscious and overly concerned with impressing people. Thankfully I know those things aren't true. As I sit here typing in my mud-stained jeans and grubby tennies after slugging mulch and top soil in one of my flower beds this morning - sure I could change, but it's comfy  On the other hand, my mother loves to lord over me how I have no problems in my life and have no right to complain about anything and that her life is much more difficult than the average person (she is very good at diminishing mine so I don't share problems with her) and her house, garden, clothing, list making, martyrdom, is picture perfect at all times.

Thank you, Tribe16! No one says a word about her behavior. Really. I believe if they see it, they dismiss it due to her age and that this is just who she is or how she is. I also wonder if it is because hardly any family members have regular contact with mil. Making it easy to dismiss or not understand the cumulative harm of her behaviors?

I will take a look at Dr. Ramani's explanation about projection! Thank you for that suggestion.

Wow! Your mom's projections... so thankful they do not hit the target and you know the truth of who you are and how you live! Also hope your garden is thriving this year. Today I will be doing 'therapy' through digging in the dirt and working in my garden.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm sorry for your loss, bloomie. It sounds like you lost someone really wonderful.

Our MIL's must be related because that sounds exactly like something mine would say. I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to lose my MC, and I'll wind up asking if she was born in a barn.

[Andeza]

Should ask if they were raised by pigs, as pigs also feel the need to stick their noses in everything.

Bloomie I'm so sorry for your loss and for the ill treatment of your mil. That's about the most inconsiderate thing a person can ask somebody that's, obvious or not, grieving a loss. You are such a kind and thoughtful soul, and you've been such a blessing to us here. I'm sending you much love and prayers for peace.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, that's pretty overt to me. I agree with that history of disapproval, asking whether she were a Christian is just looking for one more parting shot. She gets, "Why bless you for saying so!" condescending smile from imaginary Southern Cordelia.

I'm truly sorry for the loss of your special family member. I hope your MIL's typical rudeness doesn't stick to you. These family gatherings sound really toxic and unfun. I'm glad that you are digging in the dirt! I love that too. It's the definition of "grounding!"

[bloomie]

I'm sorry for your loss, bloomie. It sounds like you lost someone really wonderful.

Our MIL's must be related because that sounds exactly like something mine would say. I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to lose my MC, and I'll wind up asking if she was born in a barn.

Thank you, Cat for your kind words! It is funny about the being born in a barn! Graceless is what comes to mind.

Should ask if they were raised by pigs, as pigs also feel the need to stick their noses in everything.

Bloomie I'm so sorry for your loss and for the ill treatment of your mil. That's about the most inconsiderate thing a person can ask somebody that's, obvious or not, grieving a loss. You are such a kind and thoughtful soul, and you've been such a blessing to us here. I'm sending you much love and prayers for peace.

Hahahaha...feeling the need to stick their noses in everything!! Yes!! Exactly that! 🐽 Thank you for making me smile and for your kind words!!

Yes, that's pretty overt to me. I agree with that history of disapproval, asking whether she were a Christian is just looking for one more parting shot. She gets, "Why bless you for saying so!" condescending smile from imaginary Southern Cordelia.

I'm truly sorry for the loss of your special family member. I hope your MIL's typical rudeness doesn't stick to you. These family gatherings sound really toxic and unfun. I'm glad that you are digging in the dirt! I love that too. It's the definition of "grounding!"

I adore Southern Cordelia!!! 🤣 I will tuck that response away to whip out when I need it and think of you all here.