My beloved brother

[Petite_Potatoe]

My brother and I werent close growing up but we wanted to be. Something something mom needs help but mom wont get help so- I'm the one that needs help now! There are small moments in time where we connected, usually when my brother would kick me when im down.

My mother doesnt love me. I mean she does in her mind, and in her capacities to love. But she was quite malignant type. She would destroy my place in clubs, never support me, compete with me, and has generally been the exact opposite of a cheerleader in my life, with some fun medical abuse and multiple types of abandonment. Did I have a great interview as an adult? She will make me feel like the stupidest piece of shit for even thinking anyone would want to hire me.

I am on the spectrum of dissociative disorder cause of all this stupid bullshit.

But I always thought my brother had it worse, for I atleast could see the truth. I atleast thought humanity was deserving as a whole. My family has this idea that they are special, like more deserving. I see it as possibly NPD now.

There was a time where my brother got therapy and tried to bring me into the deserving group. We talked about how our mother had damaged us.. and became best friends. OR atleast-- I did the exact same bullshit goats do when thinking they might have family again.

I would come over with hot food during a break-up. I would clean his wounds at 2am from drunk fumbles. I was the emotional laborer, the mom, the dad. I was mostly stoked to serve, stoked to have family, stoked to have the opportunity to redeem myself from being *big breath* a fat, stupid weirdo who is just mentally fucked up. (despite me being the only family member at a healthy weight, and have more compassion and empathy, ego strength, and self reflective skills)

I'm so mad. As I've gotten therapy, I get manipulated less. My brother doesnt text me back when I have a scary health diagnosis because he doesnt care. My brother doesnt show up during a break up and wont even read my texts. Before I would do the "Oh well I can't expect people to always be available when I need them." I stopped, cause all I asked for was a response. I didnt get that.

At 2am while i cleaned up my brother's busted chin before taking him to the emergency room he said "if there's one thing i'm grateful for in my life, it's that we can be closer" BULLSHIT. I pulled an ultimatum- he and i get therapy together or he can join our parents in the no contact zone. He thought having sibling therapy was a ridiculous ask. HE still pays out the mouth for couples therapy with his girlfriend of the year.

The disenfranchised grief is unparallel, i wish he never reached out to me. I think he has the NPDs

[Leonor]

Hello petite, and welcome.

One of the most painful experiences in my own healing path was to invite other family members to join me on the journey - especially those I felt closer to, or who were also able to recognize and articulate their own trauma - and have that invitation declined, only for them to use it against me later with the very people they knew had caused me pain!

If you look to your dysfunctional family for company, your healing path will be a rocky, lonely one indeed. Your mother will sabotage you. Your father will be absent. Your brother will take advantage of your need for acceptance to avoid his own responsibility as a grown $#@ man. And pretty soon, as you've discovered, you'll be wandering about in circles.

Put this in your knapsack: "I am lovable. I deserve to be loved in the way I want and need to be loved. And I do not have to prove it, show it, earn it, buy it, exhaust myself for it, or suffer for it."

If you can just camp with that thought for a while, stoking a little warm bonfire and gazing at the stars, it will be easier for you to move through the pain and disappointment.

Your brother's rejection is pointing you in the right direction. Therapy isn't about dragging someone to a doctor's office to heal them or for them to help heal you. It's for you, for your wellbeing and healthy and, dare I say it, joy.

I warmly encourage you to get a trauma informed therapist who specializes in dissociation, DID, and DDNOS. You deserve to heal, to feel whole and worthy and the truth and light of who you are.

[bloomie]

Petite_Potatoe - adding another warm welcome to you. I read your intro post over on the The Welcome Mat as well. I am thankful you have joined us fellow travelers and very sorry for the grief of the disenfranchised you are experiencing!

The path to recovery is steep and narrow, I have found. Standing at the base of that path, considering the cost as I looked back at the nearly total wipe out of all of the sand castles I had built with others behind me, I extended a hand of invitation to some most dear to me to take that healing path together. They chose not to join me.

Taking the path to heal and rebuild on solid ground is often isolating and lonely. Finding a network of others, like you have here, or could with a well informed therapist, through vids and books and spiritual discovery has been essential for me. We are wired for connection. Your desire to heal alongside your brother is a normal and understandable desire. Recognizing he may not be ready and for now, may not be safe for you, is part of counting the cost as we begin to climb up and away from the madness and suffering of it all.

You are welcome here where we cheer each other on and share this journey alongside each other. Tuck Leonor's wise and worthy words in your knapsack and keep coming back! It helps to lighten a heavy load!