Continued conflicted feelings about charming PD sib

[LemonLime]

First, thank you all for being a wonderful support for me the past 4 years.  I don't know what I would have done without you.

I'm writing to vent, and because it's therapeutic for me.  Thanks for reading.   I am middle aged and have an older sib with many PD-like characteristics.  It began in her teens, with the most prominent symptoms being a persistent negative view of situations and the world as a whole, especially as it pertains to how she feels she is being treated by people.  She consistently reads into situations things that I don't see and that others don't see.   She has always had difficulty with authority , namely bosses.   Nobody is as smart or capable as she is, in her mind.   A boss or a friend may start off as a great person, but before long my sib has completely changed her mind about this person and they are the Devil's spawn.  Not just misguided or imperfect, but she seems to see them as evil or sort-of evil.    The other symptom is the rages.
It's difficult, because we live far apart and I'm rarely privy to knowing the whole situation, so I can't really say how much of what she says is true about these people she doesn't get along with..  I'm sure she has had rotten bosses....maybe even a very bad person as a boss.  But every single boss?  She's in her 60's.

My parents were, as I've learned from the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", avoidant parents.   They refused to confront my sister's rages, and they refused really to do anything about them at all.   So I became the people-pleaser helper child.   My parents were otherwise good and stable and helpful.   They had absolutely no idea what to do with sib's rages.

Mom and sib had a very rocky relationship in sib's teens, but seemed to "make up" in sib's 20's.   But sib seems determined to become the favorite, or to prove herself or something.  So she over-functions in her life, taking on tons of projects and when she is at my parents' home she does so many projects it makes my head spin to hear about it.   She fixes their house, buys this and that, on and on.

She raged at me 4 years ago, twice within a 3-month window and that's when I found this forum and the lightbulb went on.   OMG.
I'd never considered that she had a PD.

My parent's witnessed the rage and they know why I'm VLC with sib.    But they welcome her into their home, with no questions asked.
It hurts to know this.

I'm conflicted because my parents are old and sib is good to them.   They enjoy her company.    Strange as it sounds, sib is a ton of fun and creativity 98% of the time.  It's the 2% that is truly awful.    She is very clear that she owes me no apology for her rage, and that I deserved it and that she is simply "passionate".    Mom and Dad have loaned her a fair amount of money to help support her bohemian adventures, and that's fine.  I don't care.  They are of sound mind.   I'm clear that I don't want my parents to "punish" sib and to throw away their relationship with her.   Having the three of them have a stable relationship actually makes my life easier.  Parents are happy, sib is "happy".......it's just hard because I feel like as long as they don't confront sib, sib gets to think "see LemonLime, mom and dad feel that I was justified in what I did to you".    They don't, but since they're allowing everything to go back to normal, it is easy to imagine that sib feels they agree with her.

I talk with my parents about the situation.  They don't know what to do.   I guess what they're doing is fine.  It's a bit late in the game to parent my sib.   Sib will not change.

I think it's fairly clear sib is trying to paint herself as victim.....after all, she tried to act like nothing was wrong after the rage, and LemonLime went Gray Rock on her.   Gosh, LemonLime is so cold and rude....

It's just really vexing, you know?   

[notrightinthehead]

Very vexing! There they are in their little bubble and you on the outside - looking in.

Is there any way you can let them be? Accept the injustice of it all? Accept that you have no control over their behavior and no control over your own feelings of anger, rejection, exclusion? These are hard feelings to endure. Comfort yourself and be kind and compassionate with yourself that you have to endure this hard situation? Mother yourself kindly through these hard feelings and eventually be able to let them go,  focusing your emotional energy on people who are good and supportive of you?

Anyway sending you a big hug. So much unfairness!

[NarcKiddo]

 

It is totally vexing.

However, you can never know what other people think or what their motivations are. Even if they tell you, they may not be telling you the truth. They may not even recognise the truth in themselves. And, therefore, I think the biggest favour you can do yourself is to try not to bother with what sib or your parents may or may not be thinking. Simply because you will never know. I realise this is much easier said than done - I am always trying to work out why my mother says or does things and my therapist is always having to remind me that maybe such analysis is at best fruitless and at worst impossible. My time would be much better spent worrying about what I do and think.

Hurtful though the situation is, could it be that it is best for you if your parents and sib get along well? You have acknowledged it makes your life easier. Let them say what they like about LemonLime when they are among themselves. If you don't hear it, it can't hurt you. In fact, it is possible that you are hurting yourself the most by imagining what they might be saying or thinking. For sure it sucks, but I guess it is better than them all wanting LemonLime to referee and continue in the people-pleaser role. Could it be that you have not fully worked through that role, so on some level you are missing it?

Wishing you well as you navigate this.

[LemonLime]

Thank you NarcKiddo and NotRight.  I really appreciate your thoughtful replies.
NC, I agree that it's best for everyone if my parents maintain a relationship with my sib.   And you've given me food for thought....maybe I AM missing my role in the family, which has always been people-pleaser.   I know I don't want that role anymore and it doesn't fit me.  So maybe I need to grieve it?

NotRight, I like your idea of nurturing myself.   Nobody is nurturing me now.   I can't find a good therapist, and I don't want to damage my good relationships by talking about sib too much.   I need to practice being kind to myself.

Thank you all.  As usual, great advice.