Wow, is this amnesia?

losingmyself · May 30, 2023, 09:09:55 AM

I was feeling pretty good, being away from STBX for more than a week, now. Nice to not have that constant voice...
But I was having a hard time coming up with reasons that I left him. Like, if he asked. Not that I'm going to talk to him, just in my imagination.
The answer was always "because you're mean and controlling, etc"
Today, I looked in my journal, and, wow! The things he said! The manipulation and gaslighting! People don't act like that to other people! Especially people they're supposed to love!
I was kind of shocked at the things I forgot, and glad I wrote his words and actions down.
It actually made me feel better, and get rid of any little doubt that might have been creeping in.
I did not make a mistake!!
And I didnt overreact

SonofThunder · May 30, 2023, 09:19:02 AM

Quote from: losingmyself on May 30, 2023, 09:09:55 AM
I was feeling pretty good, being away from STBX for more than a week, now. Nice to not have that constant voice...
But I was having a hard time coming up with reasons that I left him. Like, if he asked. Not that I'm going to talk to him, just in my imagination.
The answer was always "because you're mean and controlling, etc"
Today, I looked in my journal, and, wow! The things he said! The manipulation and gaslighting! People don't act like that to other people! Especially people they're supposed to love!
I was kind of shocked at the things I forgot, and glad I wrote his words and actions down.
It actually made me feel better, and get rid of any little doubt that might have been creeping in.
I did not make a mistake!!
And I didnt overreact

Fully agree my departed Out of the FOG comrade! You did not make a mistake. You did not overreact.

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/abuse-amnesia

SoT

Poison Ivy · May 30, 2023, 09:20:18 AM

I think that people sometimes block memories to protect themselves. I know for myself that having ever-present, complete memories of all my life experiences, including things my ex said and did, would be emotionally debilitating.

StartingHealing · May 30, 2023, 01:58:45 PM

losingmyself

Like Poison Ivy wrote, that would totally suck and I would not want to move forward. It was bad enough the 1st time through and I'm not really interested in re-living the abuse on the regular.

However, I have evidence. 2 years of text messages. Audio / Video of her actions and words. Journal entries. Other people's recollections of events that I have recorded. Any time that I start having the feeling of "it wasn't that bad" or missing the "good times" I open which ever source is closest to me and usually within less than 60 seconds I don't have the feeling or missing.

Some times I do love me digital technology.

My goal is to have a funeral pyre once everything is all done, over, complete. The storage devices I'll either use as target practice and then have ground, or I'll just have them ground.

Wishing you all the best

escapingman · May 30, 2023, 03:54:38 PM

I second starthealing, to quickly look in the journal helped me a lot but to be able to listen to recorded abuse set it straight. However much I think what ifs bus etc the recordings set me straight. Now I know the recordings are there so I know how bad it was and I don't need to listen.

SeaBreeze · May 30, 2023, 09:52:37 PM

I understand. I'm 3 months out and mostly happy to be out, but I still have random moments or days where I struggle to adjust. I very vividly recall things stbx-uNPDh said and did. Yet I feel rather numb as I mentally replay these incidents and almost think maybe it wasn't that bad. Or that it happened 5 or 10 or 15 years ago and he's not so bad now. Except he is. I have to remind myself I left for a reason. Abuse amnesia is a mind warp to be sure. Keep focusing ahead.

FuzzyBunny · June 04, 2023, 03:28:23 AM

Congratulations on keeping your journal!!!
They spend a great deal of time trying to get us to doubt our reality and naturally if our instinct is to stay, we sweep the negative memories away and since the positive memories are so powerful and few and far between, we tend to dwell on them.

Catothecat · June 04, 2023, 10:01:26 AM

I am very familiar with the amnestic effects that can fill you with self-doubt after ending the relationship, losingmyself.

When I was with my uNPDexh, I never kept a journal or any type of record of what was going on. If I had, I probably wouldn't have gone through the years of doubts I had about what I thought I remembered from the relationship. I did remember the bad moments, but they were mostly few and far between. Mostly it was routine negativity and dismissal that I experienced so the pile-up of the day-after-day unhappiness created its own nulling effect. That set the stage for a lot of the "amnesia" I later experienced. So much negativity couldn't be processes so it wasn't. I doubted the reality as it all existed only in my head and not in any concrete form. And my exh's behavior after I left didn't help matters since he was back to his usual, charming self--a persona he dropped not long after we married.

If I learned anything from my experience, it's keep a record. Same as you would with a toxic employer. Which is actually kind of sad because you don't expect to have to do that in a marriage!