Massive anxiety spirals after divorce

[WearyHusband]

It's been a long time since I posted on this forum.

I was in a 21 year marriage with a uBPD/NPD that became excessively abusive emotionally and mentally the last five years and finally ended. I was "committed to working on it" and stayed on those forums at that time. The Out of the FOG was a lifeline of sanity to me as previously I thought I must be the only person on earth who was experiencing the bizarre behaviors I experienced in our home.

I started going to therapy for personal work and counselors with experience with BPD/NPD warned me if the marriage ended in divorce that she would "become my worst enemy." I didn't believe them. I was stuck in a trauma bond and severe co-dependency that led me to try everything to save the marriage, over and over and over. It about killed me. At the end, I started medicating daily with alcohol, finding it was the only thing that worked to bring my anxiety levels down to a place of functionality (though I was functional and seldom intoxicated, the frequent numbing for several months really hurt my health.) I finally quit alcohol and decided to try to live my life as best as I could in a horrendous marriage in which I woke up every day with panic, just waiting for the next barrage of berating and verbal abuse, wanting to preserve my family and the environment for my four children (I have two in college and two teens at home). My spouse had refused all forms of physical intimacy (even hugs or hand holding, let alone any sexual contact) for months at a time through our marriage, then for over a year and a half at the end. It was extremely difficult, but I was faithful and loyal to her.

I began working out with great discipline, trail running, hiking, etc. I went to a medical doctor, thinking I was having heart problems, only to discover that I had cPTSD and was having severe panic attacks with increasing frequency.

My uNPD/BPD spouse finally agreed to go to a marriage counselor after I set a boundary that I could not stay in the marriage unless we both agreed to submit to outside counsel - each of us committing to work on our issues.

We went through three marriage counselors, meeting both alone with him and then together, for several months. Our relationship only became worse.
Our final therapist (who had significant experience with NPD/BPD) finally told me in private that he would not meet with my spouse any longer due to her verbally/emotionally combative behavior and her commitment to her delusions about me.

Nine months ago, my spouse filed for divorce. I was on the verge of doing so myself, but I was holding out hope for a miracle (again, like a broken record). I'm also a person of faith with deeply held values about marriage, and the situation I was in VERY few people understood or even believed. (The exceptions were people who had become close to us over the years who witnessed her behaviors. Typical to form, I had become isolated from each of these people due to her demonization of them - my friends, family, etc. - and me thinking I needed to side with my wife to save the marriage, show her love, etc.)

The notification of divorce was a relief, and I asked her to settle through mediation to save us significant legal expenses and save our children the stress of a combative divorce. My ex refused and came out with all guns firing - exactly like the BPD/NPD experts said would happen. My jaw hit the floor when I got the divorce papers.
She accused me before the courts of being domestically violent with her and our children, that I was abusing drugs, had abandoned the family, etc. etc. She tried to take the kids and settle out of court for our (expensive) house and 70% of my income. (I'd been the sole income earner for 21 years). These and other allegations were sooooo bizarre and completely rooted in delusion, but I was scared to death of losing my children.

My lawyer informed me that her case was so fraudulent, from an evidence perspective, that we would not need to subpoena our past therapists to give witness of her delusions and that they saw zero evidence in any session with her or me or us together of any abusive behavior by me.

Thank God, I won in court (just the Temporary Orders Hearing, pending the final divorce) and my teens were ordered to move in with me two days later. I agreed to let her stay in our house exclusively if she agreed to sell it, which she did.
Over the next few months, she would go through three different lawyers.
She would get sued (a motion for protection and compensation) by our joint realtor for inhibiting the sale of our house through a pattern of verbal abuse (toward the realtor!), dishonesty, and deception.

She had boarded up the back door of our house and installed security cameras around the house, telling her lawyers how afraid she was of me. I picked up the kids one day and grabbed three small tools from the garage and she started yelling in panic in front of our kids that she was calling 911. I had no idea what to tell my children. I just quietly ordered them into the car and drove away.

Her behaviors continued to be bizarre and delusional. To my shame and naivete, it took me months to stop pitying her and expecting rational, calm behavior. Combative, delusional behavior is her modus operandi when it comes to me. I realize I was her supply, and the empathic, codependent that I was just laid down and let my life slowly slip further and further away to try to placate her and pacify her anger. I've forgiven myself, but man did I get played.

Every unreasonable action she's taken costs me considerable legal expense, and I was told by my lawyer that she will try to come after me to pay her legal fees as well at the end because of the massive income disparity between us (thankfully, though bittersweet, her unreasonable behaviors will likely offset this claim).
The courts are soooooo slow and my ex spouse's behavior is so combative, that nine months in, we still don't have a court date. It's like all she wants to do is fight - at great expense.

The reason I'm writing all this is to ask, have others experienced massive anxiety since ending a long term relationship with a PD ex?

I've been continuing to do therapy work. I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm rebuilding my self-esteem and confidence and doing things I love. I've even started dating again, talking regularly with my therapist about it (sloooowly and aware of the dangers of being attracted to PD's and the myriad of other issues). My self esteem was so abysmally low a year ago, I thought no one would ever want to date me. I rapidly realized that was the total opposite of the truth. I've met some amazing quality women and I'm learning a lot about myself in the process. I remember feeling shocked and overjoyed the first time I went on a date with a kind, attractive woman and found that it was NORMAL for people to just enjoy conversation and doing fun things together. I hadn't experienced this in years in my marriage. (And I was aware that this was like a drug to my famished soul - I'm dealing with that and not getting carried away too quickly).

Even though so many things are going so well now and I continue to recover, I get really down on myself when I still have (less frequent) panic attacks. And it's like I can have several days of just enormous gratitude and Joy and confidence, followed by anxiety swings where my head just starts spinning with paranoid scenarios, both about the past and the future. It NEVER goes anywhere good.

I still find it hard to believe how long I endured AND how deeply I was brainwashed and developed toxic patterns of thinking and coping and adapting to stay in the marriage.

I'm looking for insight from others who may have experienced the long process of healing from a long term marriage with a PD spouse and what your experience was with overcoming anxiety.

Sorry this was so lengthy. If you were married to a PD, you'll still know that I just scratched the surface here in describing the experience.

Grateful for any input!

[notrightinthehead]

With me I fought the overwhelming anxiety with mindfulness meditation as well as having a schedule of regular tasks which I did without fail. Vigorous exercise helped a bit and for me cleaning and de-cluttering helps.
The worst part was, starting about a year after I was out, the fury that hit me at 2 o'clock in the morning. I couldn't go back to sleep and I was overwhelmed with rage. At him, at myself, at all the friends who could have said something and didn't, those that did, my upbringing that made me a spineless enabler, and again myself for having lied to myself and been frightened for so long. These unpleasant occurrences lasted about a year, then slowly faded.
You are in therapy. You are dating. Any help you can get to stay out of co-dependent relationships, take it! You are still fighting it out with her, so you still have to have interaction. You know she is bad for you. You know what happens to you if you let her in. You should be scared.
I am 4 years out and mostly ok. But if I get an email from him, I am frozen in fear for three days... and that's before I open it.
So, sadly, I can't tell you how to overcome anxiety, only that being honest to myself and admitting my feelings honestly has somehow made them bearable.
There is a writing technique the childhood fairy describes you might want to try :

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lgNcleF-sDk

Good luck!

[escapingman]

Weary, I can so relate to everything you written. I am one year out but have low contact due to selling the house and moving out. I just need to complete all this and then I will go absolute zero contact as every little thing from her is trying to mess with my brain. DD who has contact, is getting severely distressed by her manipulations but I can't get her to use the block function on the phone. Her distress is then transferred to me and I end up in high anxiety. These people are programmed to mess with us, we need zero contact, absolutely nothing to do with them.

I am so please to read you are moving on with your life, getting healthy and even dating. I have great days, then I have awful days, I just don't know when a good day will turn bad, anything can trigger.

Take care my friend.

[SonofThunder]

Hello again Weary!

A real soldier camaraderie pleasure to see your screen name once again, yet at the same time, sorry to read how deep you currently are in the hard fighting trenches of the truth-war of divorcing a PD spouse. 

Standing alongside you, I am also well into this divorce process, and as expected the process is now slowing down to a crawl, both for reasons of desirable PD delay but also because of much third-party process scheduling in the somewhat complex asset nature of my divorce. 

A big high five in pulling yourself out of the self-medicating spiral and finding meaning in beneficial self-care! I was a bit surprised to read that your PDw filed first, but in drama-triangle 🔺 mode, I can also understand that she took the offensive (vs defense) domestic-violence route, with her realizing it was truly over and you not filing, therefore positioning herself into the victim role, with attorney empowerment. 

I am the plaintiff and expected I would be, therefore initiating the divorce process. My stbx lawyered up boldly and aligned plenty of previously divorced lady friends in support of her cause of my unjust departure.  I do not have non-adult kids being used as leveraged weapons, and am grateful for that fact. A smear campaign began immediately but I utilize the strong, learned tool of indifference in that area. 

As with most in these situations, Im sorry you are going through this, but hopeful for future once the truth-war ends.  Im glad you are here once again for support. You are not alone my friend!

SoT

[WearyHusband]

SonofThunder! I remember you so well! Your posts were such a lifeline of encouragement to me, and, once again, you have delivered. (Gosh, has it been a couple years? It's crazy the time warp that happens in the midst of the chaos I lived in the last few years). Thanks for your compassion and encouragement. I'm sorry also for what you're going through, but I must admit, I felt immediate peace when I heard this brief update from you. Without knowing details, I do remember that you are a man of deep faith and conviction, with many layers of community/work dynamics that affected your decisions. Well done, my friend. I'm so glad to be finally out of the "angry roommate" situation that I endured for so long.

As I have processed my own divorce, I'm realizing there are two simultaneous truths: 1) I was fiercely loyal, faithful, loving, committed, and perseverant. 2) I was also severely codependent, afraid, naive, already prepped from childhood to be familiar with adapting and coping in narcissistic relationships, and stuck in a trauma bond that did not allow me to move out of the marriage earlier. (BTW I'm sharing all this from my own experience, not to superimpose my experience in any way on yours.) At the very end, in a deep time of prayer and contemplation about deciding to leave the marriage, I felt God whisper, "You're fight is over. Let her go." I immediately felt the most surreal sense of peace. I wrote her a letter I planned to send her, then decided to wait just one more week to give it time to breathe. Literally, that same day, she informed me that she was filing for divorce. Serendipitous? Not sure, but that's what happened.
Carry on, my friend. I'm excited for you for the next chapter of your life.

EscapingMan and NotRightinTheHead - thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I remember you both as well! Your feedback and sharing a bit of how you've felt, what's challenging, and how you're progressing immediately made me feel less alone and encouraged me not to beat myself up for the common anxiety swirls that occur in recovering from PD abuse. I pray you continue being gracious with yourselves and keep moving forward!

[SonofThunder]

Thank you for your kindness my friend. Yes a few short years in these drama filled lives, just flies ahead!  I fully understand what you wrote in #1 and #2 and so glad you finally cemented your mindset to accept the necessity of the strong self-protective boundary of divorce.

Unfortunately, your perceptive stbx was secretly making plans, aligning her legal charges against you and filing just one small step ahead in her panic mode, to legally position herself for the victim role, as she high-radar realized her emotional host was done with hosting.

Glad to read your faith is intact and you are now in healthier self-improvement mode while you endure the remainder of the truth war!

Thank you for your encouragement for me, in camaraderie and look forward to further interaction here at the Out of the FOG boards. ☺️

SoT

[square]

Hello Weary, I also remember you - not sure if I was under my previous screen name back then or not (got locked out at some point).

I'm still in my marriage. The part of your update I can relate to and am really excited for you about is how you turned around a downward spiral for yourself.

I was just despondant and could see no way to take care of myself. A couple of factors changed and like you, I'm exercising and generally caring for my health and taking back my life. I'm so happy to hear you were "lifted out of the pit of destruction" and have firmer footsteps now.

Anxiety is a tough thing. I have personally found that temporary use of medications can really help some people get off the anxiety train to some extent. One medication is actually just a beta blocker, which calms a pounding heart and can be used off label as a prn (as needed) anxiety medication. It doesn't affect your mind in any way and doesn't have the typical ssri side effects.

I have not needed that in a good while but feel secure knowing I can take one if I need to and within a very short time (10 minutes) my heart will stop pounding and therefore I will feel calm.

The other thing that helped me was to, over a period of time, disentangle myself emotionally. It's not perfect but I increased my ability to not participate in someone else's issues. People are allowed to think all sorts of horrible things about me and it's their right. I can consider if they have a point, but I don't have to carry the burden. Even if they have a point I can carry that load on my own terms, not theirs.

It sounds kind of trite, but for me it was as essential as the beta blocker "parachute" because it reduced the number and severity of emotional responses. I now feel my usual emotional steadiness and prefer my natural state.

I hope you find your way out of the panic attacks. I know they are incredibly hard and debilitating.

[WearyHusband]

Square - Great to hear from you and yes, I remember you. So grateful for sharing your experiences and your kind "welcome back."

Yes, I have started taking SSRI's again. I don't like taking them, but they do help and I notice a difference. My concerns about dependency and them altering my mind did not occur at all (I write and do a lot of strategic consulting for work, which requires great focus and creativity and I was concerned about this). Similar to you, Square, I've found that exercise and fitness and eating well do soooo much not only for my overall physical health, but for my mental, emotional and spiritual health as well. It's like they all work together synergistically. I have a wonderful spiritual mentor who understands PD dynamics very well (a very rare find). He has helped me see that returning to my "simple child" (not adapted child), doing things in which I connect with joy, and being in motion/physical activity is like prayer for me in this season.

Square - I also relate to what you shared about staying in the marriage right now due to personal reasons. I have had to process anger and frustration with myself for not leaving earlier, while simultaneously giving myself grace that I was doing what I thought best at the time for where I was at that time in my life, my desires for stability and a family unit in which my kids could grow up, etc. Every situation is so unique, nuanced, and particular. I believe each person must navigate for themselves what is wise to do in those circumstances and not feel pressure to apply prescriptive platitudes for either staying or leaving. I also have needed to process and forgive myself for the unhealthy ways I adapted and coped to stay in the marriage for so long (Codependency, placating, pleasing, acquiescing, caretaking, and self-medicating). I was far from perfect, and I own these and am committed to growing and learning.

It was also a tough lesson for me to learn that I did not owe an explanation or allegiance to the so, so many other well-intentioned (perhaps) but unhelpful cacophony of religious voices that so often seem to take on responsibility that was never given to them to give uninformed and dogmatic prescriptions and advice for how I could save my marriage (fast, pray, seek deliverance, nullify curses, "love her like Christ loves the church", "lay down my life" ... on and on and on. I tried these for years. It felt like patching a sinking ship with scotch tape and led only toward insanity and more chaos. I felt like a dancing monkey, constantly trying to discover the perfect "trick" to pacify and entertain a hostile spouse.

I'm sharing this because I know some in this forum have wrestled with deeply held convictions about God, marriage, covenant, etc. Another area that was a struggle for me was realizing my vows before God were to love "in sickness and in health, til death do us part." I knew my spouse was "sick", so I ruminated the last few years about, "How could I leave her if I know she is sick? If she had a physical ailment, I wouldn't leave her. Why would I leave her if she has a mental/emotional sickness?" I now see things differently, and have processed deeply and changed my views about marriage and divorce in the context of both a myriad of complex circumstances that require wisdom and nuance, as well as in the context of my own tradition of orthodoxy, while still holding to what I believe is God's ideal for marriage. One book that was helpful to me on this point was, "What Did Jesus Really Say About Divorce?"

Another particular challenge I had to wrestle with, and am still wrestling with, is my own experience going into the marriage in the environment of a passionate faith community and following all the dictates of how to prepare to have a life-long, healthy marriage - and not be a 50% divorce statistic "like the world." My spouse and I "courted" with very strict parameters. We dated for a very short period (seven days) and got married four months later. We were "sexually pure", "submitted to authority", and never even kissed until our wedding day. We were told, essentially, that we didn't really need pre-marriage counseling because "we were disciples of Jesus, so everything will be great." It was chaotic from the very beginning of marriage, but I just thought that's what marriage was - difficult. I've needed time to process and mourn the simplistic beliefs and platitudes that were at the foundation of my entering into marriage.

Thanks again for your helpful responses.
Blessings!
-- Weary (but wanting to change my Out of the FOG name now - "FormerlyWearyHusband." )

[Poison Ivy]

Hi, WearyHusband. I've been thinking about your post a lot. I'm sharing the following without expectation that it applies to anyone other than me.

I've always been an anxious person. (I'm now 61 years old.) I was married for 31 years; I've been divorced for 7 years. It seems to me sometimes that my anxiety is "worse" now that I'm divorced. But I wonder whether it's not worse, only different. Maybe being freed of day-to-day responsibilities for my children (who are now independent adults) and my ex-husband (who has severe emotional and psychological issues) has also loosened the strictures on my anxiety. This possibility doesn't make the anxiety easier to deal with, except in the sense that it's helpful to remind myself (again): I've always been an anxious person.

[WearyHusband]

PoisonIvy, Thank you for your reply. I found it really helpful. I do realize that I've always had bouts of anxiety as well, and my mind can go to a dark place where it just starts swirling about anything and everything. What's been hard for me to accept is realizing that's just part of my life experience and how I was conditioned as a kid. Living with a PD spouse for two decades was like giving cocaine to a bear (was that a recent movie? LOL), but I accept that I have to deal with this regardless of my circumstances.

OMG Yes! I definitely was presented with the FireProof Challenge! Don't get me started... discussion for another board. Soooooo many conferences, seminars, terrible advice ("Here are some great John Piper videos on marriage you should watch..." "Read 'Discovering the Mind of a Woman'" - I literally threw that one in the trash eventually). I tried everything. I took on 100% of the guilt for a failed intimate connection in the marriage. I spent years believing that I just wasn't doing enough; wasn't consistent enough; was just a failure as a person and a husband. All of this was punctuated with "glimmers of hope" - "carrots on a stick", really. I now am in a place of firm resolve, understanding and embracing my own faults and weaknesses, but fully realizing a healthy relationship and marriage takes TWO fully committed and able (imperfect as we all are) people.
- Formerly "WearyHusband"

[Poison Ivy]

I've said about my marriage that although it takes two to tango, it takes only one to drag the couple down. I tried, but I couldn't keep the dance going by myself.