First Attempt at Leaving Failed

[Inbetweenthisandthat]

Attempted to leave today. Things fell apart when her family came over to look at repairing the house and they stayed until afternoon. My plan had a lot of time constraints so I called off the moving van. Looking back I had a plan that was far too stressful and maybe tried to make it too flexible. I also live in an area which has limited resources. IE 1 moving company, etc.

Her family had just let and I tried talking to her. As expected it didn't go well. According to her things in the past she has done are over and should not be brought back up again. I should mention just about everyday she complains about people and events from over 5 years ago, but to most everyone this would be no real surprise.

She threw in a "Future Fake". She knows exactly what kind of cabin I would like near a stream and forest.

What really hit home is how conflicted I feel. After 9 years together and being educated about covert narcissism for over a half a year and guessing she had a PD for 4 /5 years already, I was still hoping for a different response from her. Hoping there was some tiny tiny bit of her giving me a breadcrumb of hope. Instead, I received exactly what I thought I would receive, cold, unyielding, controlling, unemotional "it is your choice to stay or go. Let me know what you decide" in the most cold unfeeling voice as possible.

I know since November she would like me to leave so she can move on. She has brought up the question of "do you want a divorce" 3 or 4 times since then. But not once, "I want a divorce". She needs me to leave.

I know I should leave but I also know if I do leave, I have no family, no friends, nothing. I have my wife and her family. Reconnected with two of my old friends but they dropped me months ago. I run from being alone.

In a couple days I have the potential for a second attempt. Much simpler but also have to pick out the house to rent without seeing. It is a new house fully furnished so no worry there. But it is not in the location I want but it could be looked at as a stepping stone. But it makes things so much easier.

There is nothing her for me. But inside I do not want to leave her, the house, the neighborhood. At the same time, I want to be far away where we will never met or see each other again. I want to be free of the games and there are every so many of them. Free from the double speak.

The one good thing the last couple of weeks is she stayed out late 3 nights in a row at her parents farm. Usually I worry but these three nights I enjoyed the quiet and just fell asleep.

Yup I love my illusion I created of her and she was more than willing to learn what I liked and became my illusion.
Now dealing with my deep desire for my illusion to be real and at the same time wanting to run away from her.
So many emotions.
Thanks for listening.

[escapingman]

I feel for you.

Do you have anything that ties you to the house or area? Do you have kids? If no to both, just get your most important and precious documents and items and just go. You can rebuild your life and get new friends when out of her control.

Good luck, I can tell you life on the other side is worth it.

[StartingHealing]

I second what escapingman said.

Life is so worth it on the other side.

I feel you.  I was in love with an illusion that I had, not the real person.

Wishing you all the best.

[Inbetweenthisandthat]

Close to the end of the relationship but I havent taken the final step. Last night was silence and I could feel how tense she was (stern look and for the first time she was grinding her teeth). Usually, she hides all her negative emotions other than anger / rage.

This morning was silence and a cold shoulder and checked my Facebook to see her subtle jabs from her social media. Only I would get the gist and there was quite a few going back a week or so (Do not check every day and sometimes not for weeks). I then deleted all my social media and not going back. Do not need the aggravation. She came back home a couple hours later and she was huggy, wanted kisses, bought me my favorite foods at the grocery store and a nice little snack.

Feels like the boat is rocking.

At times I feel I am the crazy one. I know I mean nothing to her other than what money / status I can provide her. Yet here I sit thinking about staying vs leaving.

[StartingHealing]

 Inbetweenthisandthat,

I know.

 It's a struggle.

Coming Out of the FOG is not easy.

 What helped me was writing out a list of all the actions that the ex took and then objectively as possible determine if a single action, was congruent with what one could consider to be affirming, loving, kind, and caring. 

I would also suggest reading the top 100 list of behaviors.  Here is a link:  https://outofthefog.website/traits

What I had to do was physically print out the top 100, and basically determine if the now ex exhibited those, and then take a step back and look at the totality of it.  If memory serves, the ex hit 97-98 out of the 100. 

Then I had to ask myself:  What / Why am I staying?

Wishing you all the best

[square]

InTheDragonsDen,

You're doing good. Thinking clearly. Taking action. You're going to get through this.

[Inbetweenthisandthat]

Mini version of love bombing started yesterday / last night. Was aware of WHY she was acting this way. Not my style to play games with her or anyone. not to take advantage of the situation. I will treat her with respect and continue to look for my way out of this.

My only thoughts were, where was this for the last 9 years and was sad on how much I endured in those 9 years, the passive-aggressive, silent treatments, and dealing with her flirting and who else knows what.

[Inbetweenthisandthat]

Looks like me deleting my social media has been noticed.
After years and years of her not being interested, last night she instigated a "performance" worthy of the adult entertainment industry (this was so way over the top that I almost started laughing) and all I could think of is "she is only doing this to reel me back in". There was no feeling of being emotionally connected to her. It was like being with a stranger you met 5 minutes earlier. It was a horrible empty empty feeling that left me quite sad.

After she snuggled with me, rubbed my back and I am wondering if I can even recall the last time she did this? Was it way back in the love bombing phase?

Of course that was the first part of the transaction. The second part was expected when morning came. A very long long list of things she wanted me to do. All were exactly the same, I am leaving the kitchen and in the living room, she calls me back to the kitchen to do a tiny chore right beside her (point being it was not only the small chores but the timing of when she asks.)

[StartingHealing]

Inbetweenthisandthat

I know that "seeing" through the veil, coming Out of the FOG, and the emotions that it raises can be brutal. 

Grief is a very hard emotion, for me the realization that the concept of the exwBPD I had wasn't based on the actual person.  The best I could come up with is that during the love bombing phase, that is a type of glamour, a type of spell that was cast on me. And that glamour was soooo strong that I ignored all the red flags to my detriment.



Wishing you all the best.