Feeling sad - sibling bullying

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I'm just feeling sad, I just saw my (younger) brother. I feel so sad, I have endured a lifetime of family scapegoat abuse, and I am still (very) low contact with one remaining sibling.

I absolutely love seeing my nephews, they are so lovely, but I just find it so upsetting being around my PD brother and sister in law. I'm always polite, kind etc. but I always just get treated like dirt.

I went to some trouble to make a cake, and my brother only said thank you in a kind of mocking way.

Anyway, I mean, I know, I get it, I understand all the theory etc. It still just hurts so much.

I am only (very) low contact because I like seeing my nephews, but other than that, it just makes me feel horrible 

Not looking for that much advice, I just wanted to post. Thanks for reading 

[IsleOfSong]

I can relate to a lot of this. I have a domineering, black-or-white-thinking older brother who alternates between behaving lovingly toward me and negating any choices or preferences I express. As I have looked back on our childhood, I've realized that he made negative "jokes" about literally every one of my friends and their families while we were growing up. Not much has changed, and we're in our 50s now. He still likes to tell me what to do, take charge of decisions on things like family dinners, etc., call me "little boy" (again, jokingly) and so on. And oddly, he often will side with my PD wife when I tell him my marital tales of woe. I actually think he asks about my troubled marriage to get narcissistic "fuel" and to have something to feel superior about.

The good news is that I finally see that behavior for what it is, I realize that it's had a negative effect on me, and I try to make distance between us for the most part. It still hasn't dawned on him that about 99% of our phone/text interactions are initiated by him. And it never will.

As for your situation, maybe you can take your nephews out for a solo lunch or dinner sometime? Or babysit them while PD bro and his wife go out?

[Big Bear]

Hi Jolly Jazz,

I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a rough day.  I know how hard it can be to deal with a difficult sibling.   

Big Bear

[Danie]

Me as well! I'm in the unfortunate situation, with her, helping our mom in assisted living. She is incapable of understanding what she does to me. Her dirtiest trick is "twisting my words".

We recently got an inheritance from our aunt. She drilled me on the phone about not giving any to her husband and putting it in a 2-year CD only in her name. She asked me what I've thought even though I've begged her countless times not to involve me in her marriage.

I simply said, "well if you're going to do that, you may as well move apart before you do" because from what I've seen this will definitely will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Those are my honest thoughts. I also suggested that it's not very loving to your husband. He is on SS only and gets 2000.00 a month and doesn't want to work anymore. He's 68! Without going into any more details about how they've mis-managed money I can say I would be hurt and mad if my H did that to me. That's what I said.

She twisted it to say, "I'm not giving it ALL to him"! She said I said that. And she then always goes around telling other people those lies.

She will never ever be any different and like you I am damaged. I now look forward, I too see the light. I block her texts and phone calls all the time. And, I tell her I'm doing it and tell her why!

[JollyJazz]

Hi Isle of Song, Bigbear and Dani,

Thanks for this. Sorry to hear that you have siblings like these as well!!!

I'm feeling a bit better now.

I'm grey rock with my brother, but this recent episode has been a reminder of just how bad the family system has been. I'm now focusing on just going even more ultra low contact with my siblings and PD parents, I'm already no contact with some.

Instead I'm building up my healthy relationships of choice and healing more and more 

[Danie]

It's so easy to get sucked back in. I am an empath so I go right back quite often and then I suffer some more. Some part of my brain just thinks "next time she'll be nice to me".
I have to make a very conscious effort to stop myself if she contacts me to remember I'm probably gonna get abused eventually.