Scared

[Inbetweenthisandthat]

I am scared to be alone. I have struggled with this since a teenager.
I am scared if I leave, I look back and as bad as it is now, being alone is worse.
I am scared this is as good as it gets.
I am scared if I leave I will look at all others as "what do they want from me?".
When you get older, you are out of runway. Out of chances. As a senior citizen now if I leave my wife I very may well spend the rest of my life alone. I think the mental health effects of being alone are far worse than living with a covert narcissist.
Have no more family. No friends.
Have always lived my entire life through my partners and their family.
Feels like I am on a cliff and neither choice is a good one.

I am 100% certain at some point she pushes me out. Yet each day here, I have someone to talk to. I am not alone.

Maybe I can just not care where she is, what she is doing, turn off my ears to her mind games and baiting. Just chill and relax

[SonofThunder]

Hello Inbetween,

In the USA alone, statistics are that over 13 million people over the age of 70 live alone. Im not certain of your age. In all age groups in the USA alone, over 36 million people live alone. 

In my opinion, that is a lot of potential friends to help one another, and to form deep new friendships where friends come alongside one another.  There is a whole new world of camaraderie outside the high walls of abusive relationships and the PD desires we feel isolated, in order to hide that truth.

Wishing you boldness in your decision making and future friendships that you may make while enjoying your hobbies and freedom.

SoT

[Starboard Song]

InBetween, my heart just breaks for you.

Those are terrible confessions to have to make. I commend you for your bravery is sharing those vulnerable words. That takes a lot of courage. We of course cannot tell you which path to take, but I can tell you that there is a lot of hope in the future for someone who finds themselves alone.

Consider role-playing: a friend about your age loses his spouse. He is a lot like you, and has depended on his spouse for community for a long long time. Now he is alone. Think through how you might coach him. Should he move closer to a town, or even a college community where there is lots of arts and culture and community theatre? Should he live in a neighborhood where there are more people his age and where he can walk safely? Should he try to find romantic companionship, or first find some buddies to get coffee with, or go to the ball game? How would you tell this man to rebuild a little, so he can enjoy himself?

Doing this will de-mystify your RUN option.

Then you can work on your options at home. How much more can be done to manage or mitigate your spouse's behavior patterns? How much more can be done to create a safe space for yourself more hours of the day?

Doing this with a calm eye can help evaluate your STAY option.


Really: none of us know enough to be sure of the right answer. But both options (and maybe there are others!) need to be de-mystified and evaluated so you can choose wisely. You deserve a single good friend in real life to hammer this out with. I swear, in my crisis I leaned a great deal on someone who I didn't know so well. I drafted him, and he helped me a great deal and a friendship grew from that experience.

Good luck to you, sir. I swear you are more competent, stronger, and better than you know.

[losingmyself]

I shook my head while reading your post, and you certainly got a lot of great advice to consider from the wonderful people here.
All I can tell you is my thoughts about myself and my situation.
I am almost 60, and I have always struggled with keeping friends. But the idea of staying in my situation with a covert PD was incomprhensible. Being gone 3 weeks, and even with the bs that I'm getting now with the divorce, I feel that I am better off alone. I plan on learning more about myself, without the constraints that my xh put on me. I will, and have already put myself out there to find new friendships that I can grow. Some worked out, and some haven't.  But that's ok. I feel that I am worth spending time with, even alone. We all need to learn that our best friends should be ourselves.
I don't know if I'll be lonely. Maybe I will. But I'll be free from judgement and jealousy and criticism. 
I also don't know what will come next, but it'll be for me and no one else.
I hope we both can work on our value as people, and as our own best friends. Because we're worth it.
Good luck to you in your decision to stay or go. I believe you can find some peace even if you stay

[StartingHealing]

Inbetweenthisandthat,

Kudos to you good sir. Very courageous post.   Welcome!  I heartily second what the other folks have had to say so far. 

I would like to add that I'm north of 50 and for me the most alone I have ever felt in my life was laying in bed next to the exbpd.  yes there was a warm body, but that was all.  No connection, no feelings that we were in it together, none of that.  I remember turning my head to look at her face and it was a face of a stranger.  Sometimes I think that what I saw was her true self because her "mask" had slipped off.  I believe that was a moment that started my journey on coming Out of the FOG. The next morning she was back to looking like she had been. That moment still haunts me from time to time.

Now I can be by myself perfectly fine.  I have hobbies, I have work, I have projects, and I have some friends. Not many, but a few.  They call or I call or it's a text marathon or whatever.  Cell phones are great in that regard.  Now I can simply be. Not having the constant drip of negativity, the unending drama over things of no consequence, the arguments that went nowhere, (seriously, there was an argument that started over the amount of toothpaste I was using. I was using to little according to her) even though I am by myself, I'm not lonely now as I have rediscovered how good of a friend I can be to myself.

This is a very good place to learn, ask questions, and develop the skills and knowledge that will help you no matter your decision to stay or go. 

Wishing you all the best

[Inbetweenthisandthat]

I understand what is occurring, or at least I think I do. MY wife and me are in a "push-pull" in a big way.

When she is good to me, I get scared.

When she is angry, raging, or controlling, I want to run away now!!

Before the controlling, doing the chores when she wants, how she wants, always inconvenient, didn't bother me. NOW, now, I am finding I am starting to rebel and of course she notices the rebellion and things heat up.

I also know that she has no plans of keeping us together long term. It is going to happen. So it either ends on my terms or when she has taken everything.

[Inbetweenthisandthat]

I appreciate everyone taking the time to share their words of support and sharing your experience.

[StartingHealing]

I understand what is occurring, or at least I think I do. MY wife and me are in a "push-pull" in a big way.

When she is good to me, I get scared.

When she is angry, raging, or controlling, I want to run away now!!

Before the controlling, doing the chores when she wants, how she wants, always inconvenient, didn't bother me. NOW, now, I am finding I am starting to rebel and of course she notices the rebellion and things heat up.

I also know that she has no plans of keeping us together long term. It is going to happen. So it either ends on my terms or when she has taken everything.

I feel you.  I'll relate from my experience: The level of fear that I would feel when the exbpd would go off on a tirade, which part of me always wondered about.  I've faced down full grown Holstein bulls, survived a 1969 Buick falling on me, worked in high risk jobs where if you lost focus you could get seriously hurt or unalive, and shouting matches that could have spun up to fisticuffs, and none of that had the level of fear I had towards the exBPD.   Partly due to the prior examples, once the situation was over, it was over.  With the exBPD, there was never a time that it was "over" it was an ever present threat. What a way to live, you know?

Whether you go or stay, please understand that you are far far stronger than you think you are.

Wishing you all the best

[moglow]

So ... better the devil you know than the devil you don't? I get it. I had many friends over the years who just could not be alone, they swung from one relationship to the next like Tarzan through the jungle - never let go of one "vine" before having their hand firmly on the next. I was/am the chimp, swinging through willy nilly figuring a vine will find me if it's supposed to!

While admittedly I'm more avoidant than anyone I know, I can still understand that fear of being alone. Mine's just the opposite, of being enmeshed with and dependent on someone who's sketchy and unreliable and of whom I'm constantly in fear. I've done that [with a parent no less], so no thank you. I've also been in relationships where I felt horribly alone and unwanted even though they were right there beside me. I'll take the solitude.

The fear of the next anvil dropping will eat at you every bit as much as that fear of being alone. You have no control over that anvil, whether when or why or how long it'll take. You're on edge, stressed, I'd guess not even sleeping well. It's my belief that will age your mind and body, drag you down long before anything else. "Alone" is all relative in balance.

You can only control yourself and your stuff. What do you do now or possibly put away that you'd like to do more of? Start there. Expand your horizons into things that interest you, whether sports or art or music or what have you. Something you like to do that she doesn't and possibly discouraged? Rethink what it does *for you*. Check out local resources or community centers, see what they may have on offer that you might enjoy. Odds are you'll find community there where you can join forces with like minded souls and learn even more, or teach others. [I bought a cool ukelele on a whim at a flea market years ago. After struggling to learn on my own, a friend suggested a local music teacher who wanted to do a group meetup. Those several sessions boosted both of us and we found a varied group to play with for a while.]

[Inbetweenthisandthat]

That you both for your words and support.

There are moments I do think stay and tough it out but the last couple of weeks I find myself pushing back against her controlling nature. Upsets her, upsets me as I see where this will eventually lead to. I am not going to win nor will I lay down and submit, nor will I be disrespectful towards her.
The second attempt failed due to the landlord of the place I was going to rent backed out. So in August I will move. I have stayed as long as I can without it making my life totally miserable.

Things are going to work out. Third times the charm

[SonofThunder]

I am not going to win nor will I lay down and submit, nor will I be disrespectful towards her....So in August I will move. I have stayed as long as I can without it making my life totally miserable....Things are going to work out.

I fully understand this position and made that move myself in 2022. I like your strong stance in self-protection while balancing respect for her as a human being who has adult rights equal to you. Best wishes and you have my Out of the FOG comrade support as you clearly communicate and boldly depart at the proper time that is best for you. 

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

From my experience (and, I was very afraid too), being alone is not worse.  Yes, sometimes I feel lonely and wish for more people in my life.  Then, I reach out to people I've recently met, make a few plans, and feel better.  I'm "older" too, so I get it, and I have a very small family.

Making new connections is possible, it takes time and intention.

[Itwillbeok13]

I left my narcissistic husband in November with plenty of fears.
I felt like I was a soldier being dragged through the trenches throughout the process but I was steadfast. I now live alone and couldn't be more happy and at peace.
Never, never make decisions based on fear and of this is a long standing fear, then you need to look within, face it and tackle why you fear being alone.

"Those who fear darkness have no idea what the light can do."

Buddha