Teenage child malingering?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm really not sure where to put this topic. I'm sure a thirteen-year-old couldn't be pegged as having a personality disorder. But it's so darn similar to behavior I've seen from my own mother. Whom my child didn't really know. But I'm triggered and need to figure out how to deal with it.

The whole family except the two oldest kids had the stomach flu lately. There are two noroviruses going around and we got hit with both. Everyone had the first one, those two apparently escaped the second round. We have six kids, 13 to toddler. All told we had somebody sick in the house at pretty much all times for the last month. My DH had to be gone for a good chunk of it and it was rough on all of us.

We are coming out of it at last. For this last round, the two oldest kids never did get it. Today was the first day in weeks nobody was having GI symptoms. But almost predictably, the eldest claims he's feeling bad. Symptoms are stomach related but unverifiable. Close enough to what's been happening with the others to be concerning and make me not be able to just go out with him, but not the same sudden vomiting of everyone else. He says he just needs to go to bed and he can't eat.

Usually in this scenario, I set the child in question on the couch with a blanket and pillow and encourage rest, and wait and see. No tv or any other entertainment for an hour or so. So if they aren't really sick that's soon apparent and they happily go on with life. I aim to be warm and caring but not ruffled or solicitous.

But today, the 24-hours recovered little ones desperately needed to get out and run. So I said we were off to the park, you have what you need, we won't be long but call if you need me. We were in and out of the house and I did check in with him regularly throughout the day but didn't make a big fuss. He apparently stayed in bed and ate nothing all day. But when it was dinner time, and I'd made something he especially liked... Well maaaaybe I can eat. He inhaled it in usual teenage boy fashion. I said something like it appears your stomach is feeling better! Genuinely, not with an eye roll. He stopped right in the act of reaching for seconds. "Oh, yeah, I probably ate too much. I hope I don't barf..."

He didn't.

We were all cleaning up in the evening and he of course needed to go right back to bed again. When asked for more specifics about how he was feeling he got really defensive. "I'm not faking!" I guess my suspicion came through despite trying to be neutral? Or guilty conscience?

My mother did the Munchausen by proxy thing to me as a teenager. Dragged me from doctor to doctor until I got a diagnosis and medications and lots of attention for the poor mother. She's a world class hypochondriac and her symptoms and pain are always far worse than anyone else's. I was also believed about my self-reported symptoms based entirely on her convenience. I would be forced to go to sports practice with a migraine, but if she felt like staying home from work, my goodness doesn't Cordelia look pale this morning?

So I'm definitely suspicious of my motives in even suspecting his illness is not as it appears. I also feel completely gaslit by him. We've had suspicious illnesses from him before. And I feel guilty that life has been less fun than usual and those two big kids and I had to hold the fort. I tried to let them have free time in between horrific laundry, but yes, there was necessarily more on them than usual.

My second child is generally much more emotionally mature than her older brother, and she has been very good about saying to me that she would like a break, but also being willing to not be instantly gratified. She looks for ways to help, whereas brother needs explicit instructions and reminders every single time. I mean you should know the barf cleanup protocol by about the tenth time. At least keep the toddler out of the mess without dragging your feet about it, geez. So while I try not to compare them, certainly not out loud to the kids, it's impossible to not notice the difference in attitude and behavior. I just really hate this and feel like I don't know how to mother here.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh Cordelia, I feel for you! How many times did I feel I had no clue what I was doing, trying to be a good enough mother, especially to my daughter with similar traits as my mother and my husband.
He might be faking, he might not be. He might need to pull away from the busy family of five siblings, especially when they come with much unpleasant tasks. He might need space or more attention, who knows.
The important thing is, focus on yourself and what you are doing. You are trying hard to be kind and compassionate. You want to model for him how to respect yourself and others. So be very careful with yourself. Observe, don't absorb. Don't draw conclusions, he is young still, lots can happen. Just stick to your side and be the best mother you can be, acknowledging that sometimes you are overwhelmed and sometimes you are less than perfect. And that's OK.
If you focus on yourself and your behaviour, you will feel more in control and you will realize what you can do faster. Biiiiig hug!

[xredshoesx]

i am glad you all are on the mend and the sickness has passed.

20+ years dealing with tweens/ teens have taught me that sometimes they make no sense and that's part of the process.
i think everything you did to handle your oldest was compassionate and gave him the space that adolescents need. what i also see here is you doing work to heal the little cordelia when you made the connection between the current situation and the triggers from the past. 

maybe let them know that if the stomach woes continue it may be time to go visit the family pediatrician. 

[square]

I hear ya. I can get triggered as a parent too, sometimes.

As a person with no malingering triggers, I was not alarmed by your teen's behavior. He may be faking but if so, it reads more like he is either not fully aware of his needs or is not sure how to express them. He may have just needed some alone time or a quiet day or something like that.

I'd be alarmed if he was trying to flaunt his supposed illness, leverage it for attention or pity. But if he just wanted to stay in bed and watch TV, it seems like fairly ordinary teen behavior.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Update: Nope, not faking.

[moglow]

Uh. Oh. Bless all y'all, 'Delia. I'd come help but if you hurl I hurl. Every time. 

[xredshoesx]

i hope he feels better soon!

[bloomie]

Oh, NO!! Thankful you took the middle ground on this one. Wishing you all relief very soon!!

[Leonor]

Hi Cordelia,

Oh,  !

Teens. Big temperamental gawky smelly adorable lovely teens.

I've sent plenty a pukey kid to school. To do chores. To soccer practice.

You never know with kiddos because they don't know. Do I have a tummy ache? Yes. Is this pizza? Also, yes.

You just go ahead and baby your teen a bit. Because you don't have much opportunity now, and teen boys absolutely relish mommy time, even if they are staring at brainless videos on their phones with atrociously loud music blaring in their ears and they only look up to roll their eyes at you.

Hugs!