4 years later

[Lotus2]

Embarrassed to say that here I am again, 4 years after serving him with divorce papers. We have 3 kids (14,19,20) and been through hell and back and now in hell again. He had threatened (almost daily) to sell our home which would pull our 14 yo daughter out of her school, if I proceeded with divorce.

Due to the FOG, I agreed to pull the divorce from the court - and in exchange he would move out and I could stay in the house keeping her in her school. But he moved back after 3 months and it was hell. So I waited until I found a home to rent in our school district and told him I am proceeding with the divorce.

His reaction was worse that I had imagined. He was very threatening. He said he would put a bullet in my head if I do this (he wouldn't but he still said that and my daughter heard him). He said I am crazy for thinking he would sell and that I should have known he would never do that to us. And that I should Have been able to read between the lines. He now says that I am selfish homewrecker for moving out.

We will have to sell the house soon, So he tells the kids he will be out on the street; he will be bankrupt; and that no woman would ever divorce (given our financial situation) unless there is another man. He said he dares me to this; That I will regret the divorce and moving out for the rest of my life; that this will be destruction; that the kids will be messed up because of this; that he will give the kids a "long letter" describing how this is all my fault and how much worse off their lives will be because of my decision.

He has turned our 20 yo son against me - he will not speak to me, or see me and according to uBPDH, my son "is in a bad way" and depressed over this. My son does not want to move or leave his home.

I am filing for divorce again and plan on having a formal custody plan since he does not want our daughter staying with me.

I am sick to my stomach over this. I am questioning my decision because of how my son has reacted. Am I the worst mother for wanting to live a normal, healthy life. We have lived through so much fear and pain and are suffering the effects of PTSD.

Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated. Thank you so much.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry! What I have learned through much much pain, I never ever will take a decision back and trust anything my NPDH utters.
Maybe it's time to let your husband bear the consequences of his behavior, and your son too. If your son is disappointed in you and sides with his father, let him experience what it's like to be with his father. In the meantime you continue building a healthy, happier life for yourself and your other children. Look forward, not back. From now on you will look after your own best interests first. And if he utters any more such threats, please, please report them to the police.

[SonofThunder]

Maybe it's time to let your husband bear the consequences of his behavior, and your son too. If your son is disappointed in you and sides with his father, let him experience what it's like to be with his father. In the meantime you continue building a healthy, happier life for yourself and your other children. Look forward, not back. From now on you will look after your own best interests first. And if he utters any more such threats, please, please report them to the police.

+100 to the threats of harm and immediate police contact + lawyer for protective order.  Same actions if he threatens harm to himself or others. Below my signature is a link to the emergency resources section here at Out of the FOG.

Welcome a second time to Out of the FOG! Hopefully you will stick around this time for support, and also the friendly conversations in camaraderie, whether you are divorced or not. You are not alone!

SoT

https://outofthefog.website/emergency

[losingmyself]

Zero judgment here! Just great advice and support!
Keep posting!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hey, Lotus, regarding your question "Am I the worst mother?"  Modeling self care and strong boundaries sounds like good parenting to me.  Who wants their kids to learn that families are all about some members getting everything they want while other members are relegated to continual self-sacrifice?  Don't they say healthy families benefit & support every member?

My ex told our kids that our divorce was all my fault and my oldest was really angry with me for following through.  (I believe that he was really scared.)  The time did eventually come when he told me things had actually worked out better, including his relationship with his dad, because of our divorce.  And all is well with him and me these days.

There are no guarantees.  We just do the best we can.  I support you doing what you feel is right.  (Even if it does feel really awful and thankless.)  And please, do everything it takes to stay safe!

[Lotus2]

Thank you all so much for your kind words.