Trying to get me to speak to them again

[miffyxo]

Hi

A couple of weeks ago I cut out contact with my parents who abused me on and off as a child (my mum would be nice to me then fly off the handle about anything, like losing a toy at school or wanting to see friends - I won't go into too much detail but it got pretty bad) I broke off contact when they refused to support me over my wedding and basically pretended it wasn't happening or I was a stranger getting married (barely a congratulations, jokes about trying to put my fiancé off me)

They've always been really inconsistent, nice to me one minute then shouting the next but always the world had to revolve around them (all our family holidays were places they wanted to visit, rarely child appropriate)

I blocked them on all platforms but today an email managed to come through when I was using the desktop version of my emails. It was from them and talking about the flowers in their garden with a pic attached. The last thing I said to them was I never want to speak to them again.

Is this a new tactic to get me to speak to them? Does it mean they do care after all and trying to pretend none of it ever happened? I'm so confused, this always happens and then I end up talking to them again and eventually get let down.

[moglow]

Hey miffy, yours sound similar to my mother - she'd go all sideways crazy over a misspoken word or assumption of some hidden meaning. I mean LOSE IT hard, then once she got that out it's like nothing ever happened. Butterflles and rainbows (or now , flat out silence) until the next mad. Because there's always a next one, some more ridiculous than others. 

She'd get mad when I didn't  respond or when I did, I either said the wrong thing or the wrong time or should somehow have known better. There's no real predicting it - she can and will manufacture a mad. 

If this always happens with yours, it's because it's what they know. Who they are. You're supposed to be who they think they know, never realizing that person only existed in their minds. You (i'm guessing here) aren't allowed opinions, feelings, boundaries contrary to theirs. So they gloss over it and carry on. Even you telling them, doesn't make it theirs to carry, so they don't. They may not think you meant it, that you'll "get over it" or could deny it was ever said at all. 

Thing is, they're not likely to listen to any explanation you may make regardless. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This choice of no contact is yours, and is yours to enforce - they don't have to agree. You may change your mind later or not, possibly alter contact over time where you share less overall. Once again, you have to do what's best for you. You don't have to ask or wait for their permission. 

I wish we had answers for you. We get it and are here with you. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Is this a new tactic to get me to speak to them? Does it mean they do care after all and trying to pretend none of it ever happened?

Is this a new tactic? Yes.
Does this mean they care? Care about you the way parents are supposed to, like with respect and kindness and empathy? No. Care about getting back in your good graces so they can start up the PD merry-go-round of abuse again? Yes.
Are they trying to pretend none of it ever happened? Yes again.

When I'm confused about PD behavior, I ask myself a few questions:
1. How would I react if this was someone other than my parent behaving this way?
The answer is usually that I'd cut contact and never speak to them again. The fact that you've already done so would mean it's probably best to ignore this and any future attempts at contacting you.

2. Would I feel good about myself if I behaved this way?
In this case, would I feel good about treating someone so poorly that they told me they didn't want to speak to me anymore, and then I decide I'm going to ignore that boundary with ZERO apologies and behave as if everything is hunky dory? A resounding NO. I wouldn't feel good about any of it. And if I ever were in this scenario, I'd like to think I'd make amends however I could in the first place, but ultimately respect that the bridge may have been burned beyond repair.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello,

  I agree with Cat and Moglow.


So they have been told that you never want to speak to them again, and their next move with you, was to send you a photo about flowers.

That is not what healthy parents do. That is not what parents do, who are ready to be accountable for their past behaviours, and address your concerns.

You said:

"hey, I'm ending my relationship with you"

and they replied:

"look at the flowers we're growing".

Not sure if you are working with a therapist or not, but in my experience, working with a therapist who understands family estrangement can help you to see what is going on here. Therapy at this stage in your process can really help you to feel way less confused by their behaviours.

If my child told me they never wanted to speak to me again, my next email would not be "look at the flowers from my garden".

The term for what they are doing is sweeping it under the rug. They are trying to sweep your concerns and feelings under the rug. It is a common strategy used in dysfunctional families. It is done to prevent you from talking about how you really feel. Your role in this family is to look at the pretty flowers, and not talk about how you feel. Does that sound about right?

And again, this is where therapy can really assist in supporting you to take good care of yourself while you detach from them. I've been NC for almost 2 decades now, and learning about NPD helped me to feel less confused about all of it. There are some good books on the topic, including "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" that might shed light on what you are dealing with. We are here. We know what this process is like.

Trees

[miffyxo]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I have my therapy consultation today so hope this will help me understand what they're doing, it's just so confusing to be yelled at and abused then the next minute they're talking about something they bought or yeah the flowers in their garden - it's always been like this. I hope the therapy helps me makes sense of it all like you say. Some of it im starting to understand now I've been reading up on personality disorders but I realise there's a lot still confusing me. I've had a lot of relationships where people have been horrible then nice and I just forgive them and I think it's because I'm so used to it with my own family, and also have trouble setting boundaries. Thanks for all your support in the forum, I'll get there

[Cat of the Canals]

I don't know if any of these are official psychological terms, but we call it "rugsweeping" and "hoovering" around here.

rugsweeping = sweep all that unpleasantness that happened before under the rug and just forget about it
hoovering = trying to suck you back into the dysfunction

Sometimes accompanied by "lovebombing," which means they act extra sweet so you'll think to yourself, "but they're being so nice to me now!"

[NotFooledAnymore]

Hi Miffyxo,

My DH and I have dealt with the tactic for decades with his mom. It's definitely a way to draw you back in and if they pretend like nothing ever happened and you go along with it and also act like nothing ever happened, then in their eyes they've been "forgiven" and you're never, ever allowed to hold them responsible for it again.

Also, falling back into the relationship and pretending like nothing ever happened is just enabling them to do it again, in my experience.

This has been the pattern for so many years in my DH's family. When he finally stood up to his mom and called her out on her nonsense she went silent (again) and, sure enough, came back around 3 months later trying to call and talk about the weather. He didn't take the call (she left a voicemail).  We still haven't spoken to her and she'll occasionally send a birthday card and continue to act like everything is normal.

[olivegirl]

Hi Miffy, it's definitely a form of gaslighting, a way of imposing their psychological control that they call the shots.

I am NC too.  Blocked everywhere.  Occasionally an email filters through as well.  For me, the emails tend to be love-bombing, "everything is fine, we love you so much, more than you know, how are you, we miss you..." blah blah.

Dr. Henry Cloud's book "Necessary Endings" really helped me understand the relationship no longer serves me, I can not unequivocally heal the relationship, and nothing will change and the relationship will continue to drain me.

My disordered authoritarian parents are sadists who enjoy manufacturing chaos in my life to sabotage me in order to feel powerful and superior. 

So I just remind myself that I have a right and a responsibility to be safe and just go "meh" at the occasional email. 

It gets better with time.  I promise!  Sending warm vibes your way!