The fight must go on

[escapingman]

I have moved out of the house shared with XW, two weeks out of the last enmeshment with her. I feel freed being out of the house and it has made me see even clearer. I have been feeling an emptiness and I have really tried to figure out why I am feeling like I have a big hole inside me.

I think I have figured out. It has hit me like a sledge hammer. The fight has to go on. I need to save my children from the disordered virtual reality XW and her family lives in. I have no idea how to, but I have to.

I might need to expose them. That will be playing a high stake game. But I have no choice. She has ramped up the game and she is love bombing DD to get over to her side. I have no idea what she is saying as DD refuse to tell me. Yesterday she said she wants to see XW and indicated all is fine with her now and that XW will never treat her badly again. She even went so far threatening me that she wants to move in with her mum. Right now I know it's a threat, but with enough brain washing that is a very possible outcome.

Right now I can't risk DD seeing XW, even though I have promised I won't stop her from seeing her, I will stop it now.

I think I have been going through the dark night of the sole for the past 6 months or so. I can feel a call to do take this fight, and also enlighten others about that these disordered people actually exist and to help people going through what I have done. I think I will document my fight, setup a website, or blog, or something, tell my story. ALL OF IT.

I can't rest knowing there is a monster out there with one goal only, and that is to destroy me. I need to be on the front foot and not react to her actions.

I am not scared anymore. I know exactly what she is.

[SonofThunder]

Hi EM,

Wishing the best in your continued fight for the wellbeing of your children. Glad to read of the freedom you are experiencing of moving out of the marital home. 

SoT

[escapingman]

XW really takes the price. Whilst completely brainwashing GC against me and stopping her from seeing me, she thinks she is taking both girls on a daytrip this weekend. She has some hard reality to face, her entitlement reaches new levels on every encounter.

[escapingman]

Two weeks completely out and NC my nervous system is calming down. For the first time in a long time I am starting to just be. DD throws her tantrums, but with the calmer state I am in I am not getting triggered anymore. I get sad, but I don't react and when DD see I am sad but don't react she comes back to me quickly. I am really putting myself first right now and that pays dividends.

[moglow]

I'm just gonna put this here - this isn't between you and her now since you're no longer married. Keep resisting taking in her nonsense. Those kids don't need to be in the middle forced to "choose," you're both their parents and they don't have sides in that war. She can do what she does, and you have no dog in her particular hunt.

I really suggest you work on the position of "Right now I can't risk DD seeing XW, even though I have promised I won't stop her from seeing her, I will stop it now." Detrimental as a relationship with her mother may be, keeping DD from seeing her wouldn't be any better. Love bombing can only last so long and a reminder of why she is where she is might actually help your DD. She will see the behavior for what it is - it's easy to overlook and even forget when you don't see it. But if the girls see they can play you off against each other to get what they want [via "threats"], they will. Kids will do that. They'll eventually see they were wrong, even where they really messed up, but they learn and hopefully treat everyone better as a result.

I say all this as one of those kids whose mother rode a hard line against Daddy. She never failed to poke and prod and put him down and tell us "he has a new family now, he doesn't want/need you." For too long we believed her and did what she said because it was easier - we could appease her and maybe avoid some of the nastiness. Flip side of that was him not being available due to his profession, it kept him gone for months at the time. On the surface it did look like she was right and we weren't wanted. But he tried. He stayed in touch. He did what he could where he could to let us know he wasn't gone from our lives, it was just temporary.

The shining beacon for me is that Daddy never said a word against her or tried to sway us away from her. Lord knows he had plenty of reasons to hate the woman even beyond how she treated us, but he chose his position and clung to it. She was our mother and we had to find our way with [or without] her, he didn't force anything one way or the other. I think he believed with him gone, she'd be different. Then he realized that wasn't the case at all. When we went to him wanting to talk and what we were going through with her, he'd talk about it. He offered us a home away from her long before we actually took it, but there was a very real comfort in knowing that home was there waiting. We stayed with her far longer than we should have and now we see it did a lot of damage to all of us.

My advice to you remains the same: Do what you can to be there whenever you can for her/their school events, ballgames, recitals, etc. Find out when and where they are and be there even if you're not specifically invited. Encourage and show interest in their extracurriculars, maybe even join in where you can. Refuse to talk smack about their mother no matter how much it grinds, listen but don't judge. Be their sounding board and encourage them to talk it through, look at their options, and make good decisions.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your reply moglow.

I agree with you but also disagree. I am not sure how disordered and what type your mum was when you grew up. But xw is severely disordered down to the level she probably should be locked up. I have offered her contact with DD all along, but either supervised or in public. She on the other side keep pushing DD that it should be behind closed doors, either in her car going on a day trip or at her house (right now she lives with her mum). I have told DD I another letting her go on a day trip,  that is a genuine safety concern. XW knows she can only hurt me through the children, she has taken one from through severe alienation and she would all she can to take the other too. But as I don't think she would be able to alienate DD the alternative that I am shivering through my bones about us way worse.

When I left a year ago either DD was because I feared for DD's safety and ultimately life. I could go onto details of why but I am nit sure how triggering that could be for people and if it actually us of any use.

[moglow]

Mine was/is multi-abusive, whatever struck her fancy at the time - physically, verbally, emotionally, neglectful, you name it. No sexual abuse but she didn't cull beyond that. She quite simply should never have had children at all, much less the four she had. The only thing that's changed with her is that a] she can't hit me anymore and b] I've not seen her in years, by my own choice. I know I'm not safe around her - I'm also an adult who can make that choice.

I completely agree with your mindset of keeping your DD from further harm. My concern is that YOU might be portrayed as the alienating parent, whether by the courts or your children [in trying to kowtow to their mother and get/keep her approval]. That would be horribly detrimental not only to your girls but you as well. They have to have a safe place to land, and believe what they will, you are that safe place. Unfortunately far too many otherwise decent human beings still seem to believe that the fathers are abusive while mothers only have their children's best interests in mind. Supervised visitation would absolutely be their best bet if you can make that happen. Overnights? Hell no, not if I could help it!

[escapingman]

By far the worst abuse was dealt by the hands of GC, instructed and cheered on by XW. I have no doubt that behind closed doors GC wouldn't hesitate attacking DD again to gain the backing of XW. Towards the end GC used to wake DD up in the morning by jumping on her whilst she was asleep. I am obviously very concerned that GC will turn out like her if not worse, but with zero access to her I can't give her a safe space to try to calm her nervous system down.

As both XW and GC fabricated stories about me that the social worker and judge bought into I never stood a chance against them, even though I could prove their stories where just made up stories. To change this I need an incident so I can report a new case to social services and restart everything, but I can't sacrifice DD to maybe save GC. I need to be clever, I know how XW works and I need to lead her down the garden path were she will expose herself to everybody. I think I have a plan, and I think she will fall for it.

[escapingman]

She is playing by the book right now, making perfect replies to emails and suggest perfect ideas. This is making very unease and almost wondering has she changed. Of course she hasn't but I feel sick when she acts like this.

But she is also playing a very manipulative game behind the scenes which involves the kids. I have agreed to let DD see them out in public after they very sneakily agreed this with DD behind my back and I would look like the alienating parent if stopping it. Just hope DD doesn't get manipulated or traumatised.

[Leonor]

Hello dear Escapingman,

I agree with Moglow on this. As a strong, caring, and protective dad, you of course want the best for your children and spare them further harm.

But I hear in your posts that your anxiety around your ex is spiraling into plots and plans to "expose" her, rather than growing into an awareness of the need to provide a stable, loving space for your children.

Your ex, for better or, as it seems very clear in this case, for worse, is your daughter's mother. That is a powerful biological and psychic bond, and one that your daughter will have to navigate on her own for the rest of her life, whether her mother is physically in her life or not. You brought children into the world with this woman, and you cannot remove her from their life now that they are here. Your kids are not being "sneaky" by wanting to see her. They are just being kids.

Can you apply for a restraining order? Speak to a family lawyer or mediator? Child psychologist? Someone in a position of authority who can help you set stronger boundaries and back you up, if need be?

If not, Escaping, the best you can do for your children is be that strong, safe, stable place in their lives, to provide a listening ear and compassionate heart and big, strong hugs. And let go of the worry wheel around their mother. Yes, they will respond to her, yearn for her, and love her, because she is their mom. That may hurt, knowing how much you love them and how little she may love them back. You may want to show them, to prove to them, to insist that they see what you do and know what you do about your ex wife. All you will do is cause further suffering. They do not see your ex wife in this woman. They see their mother.

Over the years they will waver. Sometimes they will want to be with mom and not you. They will want to be with you and not mom. They will tell you everything and then keep things from you. They will cry into your shoulder about how awful their mom is and then tell your ex-wife how terrible you are.

That is not their fault. That is not about your ex-wife or about you. These are kids whose worlds have been torn apart and they are trying to live by jumping from shard to shard.

But if you stay centered and strong, speak no ill to them about their mother, show compassion around their pain, put sensible boundaries in place, and remain their safe space to fall, they will grow and thrive. This is my wish for you!

[escapingman]

Leonor, thanks for your reply.

I agree and disagree with you. I am currently in a "war" as xw has not let me see DD2 for over a year. I have zero access to her and therefore she has no safe space. I didn't chose to be in this war, I just want my peace and my children to be safe. I don't want to expose xw but if that's the only way to gain freedom for DD2 then so be it.

I tried the courts, there is no point to go there again without any new evidence of new incidents. I really don't want to be in this war, in an ideal world the girls would come and go between us. But this is not an ideal world and I am dealing with a highly disordered person. I did not chose tone children with an abuser, I did not know or understand what I was dealing with back then.

But ultimately, I am not going to expose her as she would do it herself. I am just trying to see my daughter and protect my other. DD is very clued up and I think she can handle xw herself, but DD2 needs support.

[Leonor]

Hello Escapingman,

I'm sorry; I misread your post. I was under the impression that you had either full custody (with xw having visiting rights) or shared custody of your children - not that your ex had custody and was witholding your children from you.

I wish you and your children well and a soon and happy reunion.

[escapingman]

Leonor, don't worry and don't apologise.  Please.

[moglow]

@user , I'm glad it helps you. I look back and am just sickened by the way she treated and talked about Daddy. And for the way I was by extension, thinking to gain her approval. Hindsight is a handy tool when it doesn't just make you cry.

Don't get me wrong, Daddy had his own stuff (don't we all) but I'm sure he was baffled and so dismayed by her and the way she treated us. What it must have done to him, time after time having to back off and say nothing. Knowing he could do nothing, that we were just as limited by her. I have a letter from him, where the absolute worst thing he says about her was that she was "an unnatural mother." What it must have cost him to put that in writing, to his daughter. He taught me a lot about courage and strength, compassion and kindness. Mother certainly didn't. 

If your children ever need a shoulder, an auntie who's survived all that with a dab of sanity intact, please put them in touch with me. I'd sure love to help the next generation see they can change things for themselves, with or without her. I wish I'd seen that decades ago.