Benefits of no contact

[miffyxo]

Hi all,

I'm on a journey of cutting out all contact with my NPD parents and was wondering if people could share their experiences of this process and how it's benefitted their lives.

I'm getting to the point I'm almost certain I've made the right decision but would love to hear from other people how it benefitted their lives, particularly anyone who has been no contact for a long time, and how they dealt with feelings of guilt (I keep worrying if one of them gets sick, missing their birthdays etc) but I know if I stay in contact how damaging it's going to be for my mental health as I'm feeling healthier already. It's only been two weeks and I'm wondering if these feelings will stick or how they'll change over time. And also if it helped your own relationships with others, particularly children (as in planning on having my own children in the next couple of years but want to make sure I'm as healthy as possible and they have as healthy an environment as possible)

Thank you

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi miffyxo,

I've been no contact with both parents for almost 2 decades now.

To answer your questions:

How did I deal with feelings of guilt? I think this is different for everyone. In my case there had been so little 'good' with them for so long, by the time I went NC, I felt like they had their chance, and they blew it. I was also very very busy with my own life stuff when I went NC, and maybe that affected how often I felt guilty - I didn't feel much guilt but can appreciate that many people will feel guilty at times after going NC.

Did my feelings change over time? Yes, over time I felt more and more confident that going NC was the only way I'd have space for my own life. As the years went by and I progressed with my own life goals, I realized how intrusive my PD parents would have been while I pursued my own goals in life.

Did it help with my relationships with others? Yes. I have a PD parent who sabotaged my relationships for years. If I made a friend, the parent would come in and try to take that friend for themselves. If I tried to do things with other people, that parent would try to invite themselves along. It was miserable. NC was the only way to get out of it.  They would still be doing this sabotaging today if I had not gone NC. It is part of their disorder.

Trees

[Leonor]

Hi Miffy,

Like Trees, I'm going a long time NC (+15 yrs.)

The first few years were absolutely excruciating, disorienting, and deeply saddening. I felt shame, guilt, panic. It came in waves that crashed down on my head, relentless, one after the other.

Still today, my little boat gets rocked from time to time. I sit bewildered, "What happened? Is this my fault? Am I really a victim of a manipulative therapist and false memory mass hysteria?"

And even more painful, "I'm 50 years old. Why does this hurt so much? Shouldn't I get over this already? Isn't this what I wanted?"

But today, looking back, I am amazed at the strength and integrity of the younger me, who sat down in front of the most powerful person in her life and said, "I know you say you love me and you mean it in your own way. I know that you have given me many things and I am forever grateful. I know that you have your own history and I am sorry for your pain. But my answer is No. Not enough."

It's not enough to get all weepy and then deny my grief. It's not enough to make up stories and then tell me that my truth is a fiction. It's not enough to sit and look bewildered and play I don't remember, plead I did the best I could, walk out when it's all too much for you.

And in that, I found an amazing, spacious freedom. I had been so tethered to my mom that I could travel the world and only see it through her eyes. I could dream only her dreams. I could only imagine as far as she could think. Oprah once said, Don't make your mom your best friend, because then nothing will be real until you tell it to her. I was like, wow, I'm not real unless my mom sees me.

It was kind of like living in a big house ... And then going outside.

For a long time, I wanted and tried to get the rest of my family to come outside, too. They didn't want to, or couldn't, I don't know, bit in any case, they didn't.

I tried to back and forth for a while, but it was uncomfortable. I figure now I'll meet them outside, or if they go out on their own that's ok too. Not to force things or people anymore.

And in that, I also found great lakes of compassion. Respect. Honor. Humor. I can tell my children great stories about my dad - his gregarious nature, his sense of humor, his way of understanding boys who were lost or in trouble, while holding also in my awareness that he was also an absent alcoholic and lousy father to his own kids. I can appreciate the women in my family who embraced feminism and broke glass ceilings and showed me how to "career" while being petrified of standing up to their domineering, righteous, pedophile father. All of this is true.

Now I feel like I made meaning in my life by breaking the chain and - hopefully - laying the groundwork for even more healing in future generations. None of that were possible without me going NC. It is not the only way to find freedom, create meaning, and discover compassion, but that is how it worked out for me.

Stand in your truth, follow your heart, and honor yourself. How that plays out in your relationships will be how it must be for you.

[xredshoesx]

hey miffy,

i've been NC with my biological mother since i was 21/22 and haven't seen anyone else in her family since i was 28/29..... i'm now almost 52. 

for me it wasn't so hard with my mother because we were never close.  the first time i was placed in the custody of other relatives i was 3, then again when i was 7, and eventually after she failed a 3rd time at being a 'parent' i went into custody of the state at 14.  when they shipped me back to her 3 years later i literally felt like i was serving out a jail sentence and was basically counring the SECONDS until i could leave again, which happened shortly after i turned 18- i literally walked out and told nobody where i was going and i had zero plans of going back.

i did try one more time when i was 20 bc of some of the stuff i had gotten myself into needed to be walked away from. at the time she was living with her equally dysfunctional parents and they gave me permission to move back as long as i followed the 'rules' - rules which my mother did not have to follow- which included not cutting my hair, paying rent and wearing modest clothing....

i lasted about a year and a half and finally saved up enough $$$ to get my own lil apartment- a flat- and when i told my grandparents they said 'don't come back'.  so i didn't.  when i was moving the last of my meager belongings my biological mother wouldn't even speak to me, much make eye contact. 

her mother called me at work a few times on my mother's birthday that first few years and tried to guilt me back into the fold but i stood my ground and my truth, firm in my convictions. 

what was hard was when i cut ties with my half brother who i was told was my 'uncle' and his family but there were some truths exposed there that i couldn't live with anymore.  if my niece/ nephew sought me out i'm not sure i'd be open to revisiting the past either.  at this point none of them have tried to re-initiate a relationship and it's been 20+ years.

what did i lose? THE LIES and constantly having to confront what i knew happened vs the truth via the nonstop gaslighting.

what did i gain? 

a better understanding of ALL the events that led to me being shuffled around like a deck of cards, a better sense of perspective on how mental illness and trauma are generational and that helped me get help so it STOPPED WITH ME.

a relationship with my real dad, my stepmom and my half sisters.  it's vlc but not in a bad way.  we acknowledge each other when we speak in positive and supportive ways.  part of the distance is i met them all when i was already an adult with my own life and family of choice so i didn't grow up or ever live with that permutation of family so i'm an outsider but always welcome if that makes any sense

i gained an education.  i put myself ALL the damn way through school, completing grad school without their help- in my biological mother's family it's not important for women to do anything else but make babies and keep house. 


i gained myself.  who i am is who I MADE MYSELF.  nobody in that household can take ONE IOTA of credit for anything positive i've done since walking out the door.  i am responsible for my choices both good and bad, and the only person who can take credit for 'me' is ME.  so like lenor was saying, i self actualized by mySELF which helped me to get healthy enough to move forward and move on.

part of the reason i can't feel guilty is that i'm still too angry about all that transpired.  i'm not sure if that anger will ever leave me.  i just try to harness it to motivate me to keep moving forward and living my best life.