Here we go! Our story and waiting by the phone

[MomInTheHouse]

I am sitting by my phone waiting for the hospital to call to tell me if my 13 year old will be discharged today. I'll call her M. M was diagnosed with learning differences in 4th grade. This caused so much trauma!

She spent a lot of elementary school screaming in the hallways and hiding under her desk. Her teachers didn't understand that she couldn't do what was being asked of her (yet). Just as she was starting to get what she needed, COVID hit and she was sexually assaulted by a roommate's son who she had known since kindergarten. I didn't know about this she was in 7th grade and ended her school year in the psych ward.

I had her hospitalized after she threatened to kill herself while talking to friends at school. The guidance counselor called me to come pick her up and I took her right to the hospital. In my city, we have a hospital with a fantastic behavioral health unit. This means I can take her to the ER and she will typically have a bed in 6-12 hours. The hospital will keep her in a locked triage room until a bed opens. I am allowed to stay with her until she goes into the unit.

The first hospital stay, M was there for 5 days and then she went into to an outpatient program. She was at the program during the day and home at night. She was under 12 that time so it was the children's program. We found a therapist for her and we got too comfortable. Exactly 1 year later (this past May), after repeated days yelling, screaming, and vaping for hours in the hallways, the school asked me to come and get her. Once again, she was threatening to hurt herself.

I didn't know about the vaping until later when the psych nurse told me M was going through nicotine withdrawals. M stayed 7 days and when to the teen outpatient program. While she was in the hospital,  I was told that she was exhibiting BP traits. She was put on a mood stabilizer in addition to her antidepressant. She tried to go back to school and finish her year but it was too much. M did a week of summer school to make up some of the work she missed and started the STEPPS program at the hospital.

After the 1st session, all the kids came out and left with their families except M. A bit later, she emerged with staff and screamed and cried for about 1/2 hour and said she wouldn't go back because the other kids wanted to focus on anger issues and she doesn't have anger issues. Sigh. I was able to get her home and a few days later she told me that she was excited for STEPPS. The 2nd week, M told everyone she would kill her self when she came home that night. I was told by staff that I could probably bring her home but I needed to lock up all knives in my safe. I didn't have a safe so I took her back to the ER and had her admitted.

I really thought it would just be a day or 2 but here we are 8 days later. I have all kitchen knives, alcohol, scissors, and meds locked up. This time around, M told the staff I yell at her all the time. During a family session, she asked me if I was going home to drink. I tried not to respond and staff told me that they knew I wasn't abusive or an alcoholic.

M isn't always like this. She can be a kind and loving kid. She is so smart and she has a fantastic sense of humor. I am so terrified to have her home and I miss her so much. I cry a lot. I know I didn't do this to her. I didn't cause this. M's dad doesn't live with us and she sees him about once a week or so. He gets the fun video game playing child. I get a much more complicated teen. M says she has a figure she calls S. S started coming to her when she was assaulted and now S comes more frequently. This scares me.

Sorry for the long post. I guess it is really a stream of consciousness. lol.  By the way, the hospital hasn't called yet.

[bloomie]

Hi Mom! Welcome to Out of the FOG. My heart just aches for both you and your dear daughter. I cannot even imagine how this has to be for you both.

What I hear in your post is a mom who is up against incredibly tough and serious issues and making the best possible decisions you can to keep her safe and get her the help she needs from those who are equipped to work with her in those moments she is destabilized. You are doing a great job under extreme difficulty!

I am so glad you shared. Sending you strength and wisdom.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with Bloomie.

[Starboard Song]

Be good. Be strong.

I usually end my posts with that line, but it feels right to start it here. You are already doing so much, but I know it must just wear you down. Keep your head up. My heart breaks for you. You are doing important work. I am sorry that I have no advice to give.

[Overwhelmed momma]

I just wanted to reply because I felt like I was reading my story.  My daughter is 15 and it seems like it is almost identical to what you are going through.  Her father and I are still married but it does cause a huge strain on our marriage.  I am so glad I have found this group. 
I have also found myself crying a lot here lately 

[bloomie]

@Overwhelmed momma - I am so sorry for the distress and difficulty you are going through. So glad you have joined us. We welcome you and look forward to hearing a bit more when you are ready over on The Welcome Mat and here on the forum boards!