holy crap

[StartingHealing]

Blessings to all that are here.

Found myself in a very odd space the last couple of days.  I found out that I could do a balance transfer from an existing joint credit card into a account that would be under my name alone. At least where I currently live, that is acceptable to the courts and it still would be considered to be community property subject to payoff when the residence is sold.

I have to do this step because the exBPD uses the joint credit card as another source of disposable funds.  I'll make a payment, and then she'll jump in there and transfer any amount possible to her personal checking / personal credit card. Since I'm the only person making any payments to the community, and not to mention the hit on the credit report, SMH. Ironic that for all the verbal protests made about how $ isn't important the exBPD sure has exposed more of her actual nature.

Contemplating this action, I found a great deal of fear associated with it.  Like WTF?  Have been NC for a year, been making what I feel good gains in healing, and then this.  It's not like there isn't any buffers in place between her and I like it was when we were under the same roof, and if her behaviors get to a certain level, then the local police / courts would be involved.  Yet, there it is.

I realize that it's the negative programming that was force fed to me over the years and that the fear of her reaction is an old pattern from a ongoing situation that doesn't exist any longer.

Will be a glorious day indeed when I get through all of the exBPD programming and have "installed" better.

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

Hi.

Thanks for the kind words.

I'm gonna to put my reflections here and maybe explain. 

I'm feeling the emotions, no worries there. I believe that I have swung back, basically an over correction, and the pendulum will return to center. I've been repressed for a lack of a better word for so long, and now with the pressure released.. 

The WTF came from the severity of my reaction to an planned action that on balance isn't that big of a deal in comparison to actions that I have taken before in regards to protecting myself in the financial sense.

An analogy would be having water boil in a pot from a single match from the matchbook.

Part of it is that I'm also deep in another cycle of grieving the fiction I had built that I was in love with,  and the might have beens.  The dichotomy is so very very strange to me that I was coming from a honest place and the exwBPD was coming from the opposite.  Perhaps my perception is rather black and white at the moment.  The love bombing and mirroring, what truth was contained within those actions?

I am also allowing the lessons to percolate through, allowing them to arise when the bubble to the surface of my awareness.

I wish you all the best.  You are in the midst of a very very hard thing.  May the universe give you peace.