Standard confusion

[Crushed]

So I filed for divorce today. This is my third attempt leaving my PDH, unBPD. First two times were early on in understanding what's going on and after fights.  He asked for 6 months to change and I caved.

So today I filed for divorce with the understanding that he's not going to change. Thing is we've actually been getting along well by me ignoring the continued financial abuse that he denies.

I tried to tell him in therapy with therapists help. She didn't help much. Immediately after she left he started begging and pleading for me to drop it and promising that he can work on it. I would argue that he doesn't even know what he should work on.

I'm trying to stay strong. Sometimes I think he's not that bad (emotionally ) and that we have good times together. We've both repressed our feelings in order to try and move forward. Emotionally it worked but my logical brain knows I'm getting screwed by his entitlement and bare minimum work ethic.

My problem solver brain wants to call his therapist. Again, my logical brain knows that's of no use. His therapist only knows his version of things. Unless she acknowledges the diagnosis, there's no point in talking.

Sorry I'm rambling. I'll go back to reading others' posts - so many issues I relate to. 

[xredshoesx]

it took me several years of trying to break it off with my uPDex and we weren't even married.  this is a huge step for you forward in both your own healing and taking back your financial freedom.  be gentle with yourself today.  it's ok to mourn, grieve, scream, cry- just because you have already decided to do something doesn't mean it's not supposed to give you an emotional response.


stay strong.  you got this.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-spouse is "weird" about money and about working. I don't know whether the behaviors rise to financial abuse, but they definitely bother me and they were detrimental to me legally, financially, and personally when we were married. Here are a few examples.
Ex worked for his parents as their caregiver. Because this obligation prevented him from looking for any other kind of job, I asked that he get paid by his father. He did. But all payments were in cash because, according to my ex, his father wanted to keep things "under the table."
Ex was fired from the two main jobs he held while we were married. After the first firing, he didn't look for work for several years. After the second firing, he didn't look for work at all. (He did, however, become his parents' caregiver.)
Ex suggested that our children not pay back their student loans.
Ex cheated on our taxes at least once.
There are many other examples.

One of ex's therapists (the last one he saw when we were still married) recognized his issues and asked me to attend a therapy session, but by that time, I had given up. I appreciated the therapist's efforts, but I was very leery of being brought into a room to discuss ex and his issues; I'd done so another time and I felt attacked.

I filed for divorce, withdrew the filing, and filed again about a year later. The second time, I went through with it. It was hard emotionally but time has shown that it would have been worse staying married. I have no regrets about the divorce.

[Crushed]

The thing with the finances is that he's always "busy." He tried real estate for 5 years. He sold 1 house/ yr which mostly covered his RE expenses. Not counting this year that he Still hasn't completely given it up and pays an office to keep a license he doesn't use.

He now door dashes the bare minimum- about 30 hours a month.

And he's been doing a couple projects at our house and our investment house this month. That's the first in a long while.

He's literally told me that I don't value his physical contributions like lawn mowing and that I should give him  credit for all he does for us. Mind you it was his idea to purchase a fixer upper with a host of issues. I fell for the promises - now going on 11 years with not one room finished.

The only job he's seeking is online customer service. He's qualified but has put in zero effort to update his resume or reach out to recruiters. Goes into the defensive cycle when I suggest a real job would allow us to pay someone to mow the lawn and do the car maintenance.

The kicker of it all is that even with me supporting him these six years, he feels it was a financial betrayal that I told him to stop funding his RE career with our joint business funds. No accountability for why his business failed either.

[square]

Hmm. Wow. Can relate to a lot of that.

[Crushed]

I don't know how I'm supposed to divorce with him in the house. PDH draws me into conversation with him and tries to Convince me he can fix things or that my perspective is wrong.

I'll admit I'm sucked in. I start to think he's good overall and maybe it's not that bad. Sometimes I think maybe he doesn't really know what he's doing and other times i think he absolutely does.

He has changed and made a few improvements in the last six months. He gets mad about boundaries but if I explain my need in a way he can understand, he eventually gets it, days or months later.

One thing that really concerns me is the manipulation. He always says, "tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it." Of course, when I do, he denies, dismisses, or justifies it. Like when I tried to tell him he needed to figure out additional income a couple years ago, he got upset, and exclaimed fine I'll just quit! Now, he claims that wasn't manipulative, I just didn't ask correctly and triggered him. Even though it was a continued response and he played the victim the next month, denies manipulation. He says his therapist agrees he's not manipulative, it's just a communication problem. That he needs to learn to say things in a way that works for me.

I do wonder how he can get and keep a job without having good insight and accountability.  Also maddening is hearing him talk about other people and how they lack accountability. Do PDs really see that in others but not in themselves?

[notrightinthehead]

Honestly, I believe my NPDh lacks insight and self awareness big time. He believes his own BS and lives in his own world, where he is the good, giving, innocent person, exploited, abused, and disrespected by everybody else.
That's why when I tried to tell him what his behaviour did to me and the kids, he just couldn't understand. And felt abused. Which made him resentful and then he was forced to scream and insult us.
That's why when you explain your boundaries to him and expect him to respect them doesn't work. Neither will he stop manipulating you, just because you told him he is.
The only way out for me was to look at myself, stop enabling him, change my own behaviour. That's when things started to change.