Anyone familiar with OCPD?

[overitall]

I haven't posted in a long time, but my family has been dealing with a very difficult in-law situation for the past several years.  After a lot of research, I am fairly certain this person suffers with OCPD..several of the traits are

• Rigid adherence to rules and regulations
• An overwhelming need for order
• Unwillingness to yield or give responsibilities to others
• A sense of righteousness about the way things "should be done"

At this point, we are at a loss of what to do...any type of visitation with our family member is so completely structured that it is awful...EVERYTHING has to be done her way...I mean EVERYTHING...

I'm trying to be vague about the relationship, but I am tell you that this person has broken my family apart.  99% of my family have no desire to be around this person and we has lost our relationship with the kids (as punishment) for not going along with this person's demands.  The spouse is in denial and attempts to make excuses, but does admit that this person is somewhat pushy and demanding?!

We have witnessed this person reduce the spouse to a shell of a person, yet the spouse continues to defend.  I don't have any idea what to do at this point because it seems futile...I am very very concerned about this children because their childhood is similar to boot camp...everything is structured, calculated, planned, etc.  There is no spontaneity, lightness, or fun..

I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever dealt with this situation?

[Leonor]

Hi Overitall,

I have inlaws with ocpd traits, but less than overtly controlling or demanding it's more of an obsessive ritualistic cleaning behavior along with severe compulsive hoarding tendencies - which makes for an interesting combination! But that just shows how little these disorders have to do with external realities and everything to do with internal states.

If this person is an inlaw and the spouse of your family member, the they're less a member of your family than they are your relative's family. In other words, this person, as unappealing as it may be, is the primary relationship in your relative's life, and as a parent will have rightly the ultimate decision making power over who has access to their children.

If the spouse, your relative, is defensive towards you and protective of their spouse, then they are also within their rights. Unless the children are in imminent danger of demonstrable harm, there will be little you can do to change the situation.

You've already spoken to your relative about your concerns. Surely they know that if they need outside support, that you would be a resource for them.

But until that time, if that time ever comes, your wisest course of action is to honor that family's boundaries and be there as loving extended family members and respectful inlaws. Diagnoses may help you understand what is going on, but not change the situation.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Both of my parents have uOCPD. And yes, your description of childhood as boot camp, everything structured and planned, no spontaneity or fun sums it up well. And similar to Leonor with the obsessive cleaning combined with hoarding. The FIRST week of summer vacation every year was the week we cleaned the playroom and the excessive amounts of toys in it with q-tips. I wish I were exaggerating.

As much as my inner child would like to believe the kids could be rescued... you really can't. You can make a CPS report, perhaps. But even they are extremely limited. The best you can do is be there in the way that works best for you. Perhaps meeting them not on their turf? Contact through the mail or phone? Be safe and stable and celebrate the kids' stuff.

I will say I wish I had at least one relative who had seen ME and cared. It's all too easy for the children to get swamped by the disordered parent and their drama and lost as collateral damage. Because, yes, the parents are necessarily the gatekeepers to the children. Even if they suck.

I actually have a godchild that I feel I've mostly lost due to their parents' disordered way of being in the world, so I'll be watching this thread with interest if there is more helpful advice on how to be that adult relative while still having necessary boundaries with the parents.

[overitall]

Thank you for your words of advice.  The spouse in this situation has changed so much in the course of six years that he is no longer who he used to be.  He, too, is anxious, fearful, and structured because if he doesn't comply with his wife, there is hell to pay.  It's difficult to watch as they both complain about how difficult their lives are with young children (can't do anything fun, the house is always messy, they can't relax on their free time anymore, etc.)  When we all discovered they have cameras in all of the bedrooms and literally watch what time you wake up, etc., we chose to pretty much stop visiting.  We are all concerned about the kids, but as you both mentioned, we really have no control.  It is very very heartbreaking nonetheless.