Adult Daughter Blames Us/Can't Trust Her Again

[chowder]

Our 33-year-old daughter has now turned on us for declining her request to watch her old and ailing dog. 

We watched him last week for a couple of days, but she didn't give us all of his required medicine.  She is very lax with his care, and she blamed it on a mail order that hadn't arrived yet.  So I contacted her vet.  They advised that they had given her the prescription to fill nearly a month ago.  From past history, I can guess that she wasn't diligent about sending it in right away to get filled.  The vet reluctantly gave me an emergency 3-day supply, and said they wouldn't do it again, because she was using an outside pharmacy. 

Upon returning the dog to DD Thursday morning, she was in her usual hectic mode, not responding to us, then being short, saying she was sick, she was busy, working from home and was on a virtual meeting, so we simply dropped the dog off and didn't go inside.  We've told her in the past how difficult it is for us, he falls down, can't get up, we have to carry him, we've even had to slide him across the floor on a towel to get him to where he needed to be, etc.  But this time we did not get to do another update, which would have been more of the same.  We figured we'd chat at the next opportunity.

48 hours later, Saturday morning at 8 am our phone rang and woke us up.  I thought something was wrong.  It was DD, asking if we could babysit her dog again starting that day, because she wanted to go away for the weekend.  I asked if she had all the medicine.  She said no.  I said that was a problem, since when he doesn't have it he doesn't move well and he winces in pain, and it is difficult for us to care for him.  She got defensive, saying, "Well, it's not here yet, whaddaya want me to do?!?"  Things are always someone else's fault.  She doesn't know that the vet told me they gave her the prescription to fill almost a month ago. She hung up in a huff, saying she'd make other arrangements.

Now she is calling us "selfish, inconsiderate, and doesn't appreciate us saying he cannot walk, when she sees him walk every day, and do not tell her what her dog can and cannot do when we see him a fraction of the time."  She ended her text message with, "This situation has severely disappointed me."  We told her our experience is different than hers, and repeated some of the things she already knew.  We said if we have the full complement of meds, we are happy to watch him. 

Now my husband has asked her to watch our home while we're away on vacation next week.  She is continuing her nastiness about the dog situation, ending with "have a good trip, I will watch the house."  He sent her another message explaining additional problems he had with the dog crying when he fell into our TV stand and he had to rush in to pick him up, and he hopes we can put this all behind us.  Her response again was "have a good trip, I will watch the house," and did not address anything else. 

I am now uncomfortable with her watching the house.  I also feel like we are being talked down to, something a parent would say to a child, especially the "severely disappointed me" comment.  She does not see any of her role in this.

As background, she has been very hurtful in recent times.  She never gives a Mother's Day or Father's Day card to us.  Last year we were away for Thanksgiving because we had a birthday celebration, and she carried on about her being left alone.  (In previous years she has gone to her brother's house without even thinking of us.)  So at Easter this year, the three of us sat down to dinner.  Then she got annoyed with us about something and got up and walked out.  We couldn't believe it, especially after not being home for Thanksgiving, we thought the next holiday together would mean something.  We planned the meal around her likes and dislikes.  We were just so hurt.

This past Christmas, the 3 of us sat down for the gift exchange.  She brought no gifts.  Now, we do not expect any, and I frankly want to stop the gift-giving.  But she sat down and accepted our gifts, without saying a word.  I hadn't even noticed it, my husband brought it to my attention later.  So when we asked her about it, she said, oh, yeah, things are on order.  Which is fine, but at least say something?  And we know darn well that if she had gone to her brother's, she would have fallen all over them and wouldn't have gone empty-handed, no less say nothing.   We did receive the Christmas gifts - one day before her own birthday in February.  Timing?

My husband is almost 80 and had a stroke this year.  Her actions are very upsetting, and the way she treats us seems to be getting worse.  I thought we had turned a corner, because years ago she beat me up and there was a lot to mend. 

She's recently had a couple of near break-ins at her home, and is talking about getting a gun. 

We have a right to say no to last-minute dog-sitting without being called selfish and inconsiderate, and without having to JADE.  It's not like we backed out at the last minute and ruined any long-standing plans.  We have a right to say no, for whatever reason.  But in this case she has known all the reasons.

I do not trust her and now do not want her in my home when we're gone.  I know this will be a bone of contention with my husband.

Thoughts?

[chowder]

Just as a follow-up - as far as her being in our home, we could secure anything that's of value so that it's not accessible.  I would be interested in others' input as to all the other aspects of what's going on.

Thank you!

[moglow]

I suspect nothing you can say will get through to her. I'm sure she's frustrated with her dog's issues and associated vet expenses but still - she should either care for him or let him go peacefully. I know all the shoulds in the world change nothing, but she's his owner and has responsibilities for him.

As for having her watch the house - why? What needs watching, and is she the one to do that? Maybe there's a neighbor who can keep an eye out? My concern is, if you have to lock up valuables etc and are concerned about her being there, seems like it's putting the fox to watch the henhouse. And right on the heels of having refused to take care of her dog, she may perfectly justified in whatever she does [or doesn't do]. My best suggestion is to lock everything securely as usual before you go and possibly ask local law enforcement to make periodic checks until your return. Whether your daughter actually does anything or not, it's not a bad idea.

She's long since an adult, and demanding at the last minute that you take care of her ailing pet. With a dab of planning she could find a pet sitter and see he's taken care of. She's choosing to instead be abusive and hateful, blaming everyone else for whatever is going on in her life. You can't fix that and it's doubtful you can do enough to appease her. I understand that as parents you want to try, but remember too that everyone has limits. All take and little/no give serves no one - like many others we discuss here, she may be a bottomless pit of need she chooses to not fill. SHE has to choose better for herself, Chowder.

[chowder]

Thanks, Moglow.  There is my husband's bird that he's asked her to watch, which she's done in the past when things were calm.  Now I've broached the subject with H of having a neighbor come in and telling DD never mind.  But he's already asked, she said she will (sounds begrudging, or she can feel like "the better person" after she's been so "wronged") so he wants to leave it at that.  I do intend to lock up my office and a few other things.

Yes, it's the first time we've drawn the line with the pet.  She has known our concerns, but I guess when it interfered with her plans and we didn't jump at the last minute, then it's all our fault.

[Leonor]

Hi Chowder,

Your situation echoes that of my sister in law and her parents, even down to sitting for ailing pets and wariness around your possessions.

I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be for you and your husband to be disrespected and insulted by a daughter who is clearly behaving in a passive aggressive way, and reacting with anger to very kind offers with very understandable boundaries.

At 33, daughter is an adult who is responsible for her life and the lives in her care. At 80, your husband is unable to care for an ailing animal and it is unreasonable to expect the two of you to handle veterinary concerns.

Mamma, it is time to draw some boundaries. You love your daughter, but you do not deserve to be bullied by her. You understand she has her challenges, but you are not her punching bag. You cannot beg, buy, or babysit your way into her good graces. She is misbehaving, and it is unacceptable.

You still have an opportunity to parent your daughter, by demonstrating to her how adults treat one another with courtesy and respect. She may respond like a child with more tantrums or love bombing, or both. But if you keep your mind and heart clear, you can see yourself through... And perhaps your husband (and, perhaps, even daughter!) will be inspired by your example.

[moglow]

A little contrast for you - my niece is also 33 with ailing/medicated pet [had two, one of them crossed the rainbow bridge last year]. While she can absolutely be selfish and exasperate the hell out of me at times, she's also appreciative and compassionate, pays attention to others and what they may have going on. She sees when I'm having a tough day and will offer to pick up breakfast or lunch, maybe a Dr Pepper or a snack [we work together]. She's recently gotten into backyard gardening and regularly asks if I like this or that and will randomly show up with veggies to share. She asks -usually well in advance- if I'm available to stay with her pups. She has asked a few times last minute and "if you're not available I totally get it." There's no assumption that I'm obligated and while I haven't so far, I know she wouldn't hesitate to help me in the reverse. There's a lot of give and take, not just take. If she snipes at me she apologizes and vice versa. She recognizes that we all have bad days, tough times, get stressed or depressed - but it doesn't translate to a bad life unless we choose it.

[chowder]

Thank you for your valuable input, everyone!   

[xredshoesx]

i think it's a reasonable boundary to not want to care for someone else's pet who is ailing and does not have the medicine they need.  case in point- we have a 14 year old greyhound who for the most part is senile and wears diapers.  not sure if we'll be doing our annual trek to indiana to see family because neither myself or DH feels it's fair to put the burden of the level of care he needs, esp with his advanced age, on anyone else.

i also think it's reasonable boundary to not allow someone you don't trust to house- sit for your beloved bird.  some ideas might be to take the bird to her or another trusted caregiver for the time you need to be out of town.  this one may be a little sticker if your DH has already agreed to let her stay and care for the bird.  Maybe then it will have to be the last time.

[chowder]

Thanks, xred - yes, I agree, and I would never ask the same thing of someone else, no less react in this way.   We've been down that road with older ailing dogs and, like yourself, have cancelled trips on more than one occasion.

On the house-sitting, H just wants to keep things status quo right now and not rock the boat by changing anything.  Things will be under lock and key.  And going forward, I must think things through every which way before asking or committing to something.  It's a shame, because I have to think in terms of her having regressed emotionally and being very careful with her, and at the same time anticipating H's reaction to things.

[Lambchop]

Hello, I am new to this forum but i suspect that the behavior i have seen from my 33 year old daughter for all of her life is here to stay and I can relate to your post. I could write a book on this but I will try to make it brief. I adopted her with my ex-husband from Eastern Europe.  I suspect she has Reactive Attachment Disorder.  We never bonded although I tried and tried.  It took until she was about 13 for a school counselor to suggest RAD.  Then her behavior made sense.

It's been a rocky road with her.  Her father, my ex-husband, offers me no support when she lashes out at me.  I am left dangling in the wind.  She's visiting from out of town.  We had another episode last night as I was over at his house for a get together to show off her children, our grandchildren.  I pulled up very close to her car in front of mine, and my license plate touched her back bumper.  There was no impact -- I was very careful to just go as far as I could go with no impact. I wanted my ex-husband's car to be able to clear mine from behind.   There was no damage to her bumper. She accused me of hitting her car.  She said she could file an insurance claim against me.  I am so so sad and tired of it all.  I thought we were getting along so well before this.  Everything I do, anything perceived by her as a threat to her, real or imagined, is cause for belligerence and anger towards me.   

[Latchkey]

Hello, I am new to this forum but i suspect that the behavior i have seen from my 33 year old daughter for all of her life is here to stay and I can relate to your post. I could write a book on this but I will try to make it brief...   

Hi Lambchop, Welcome to the forum. Please feel free to start another post on this recent incident here with your DD in Parent's Discussion. Also you can introduce yourself on the Welcome Mat as well as check out the sections on Co-Parenting and Working on US as you get settled in.