This fear is paralyzing and debilitating - Help

[Lotus2]

How do you work through or get past the fear? His accusations and name calling are over the top. Since I moved out, he keeps threatening to tell the kids lies about me, and about how bad things will be. He says I will be alienated from the kids. He does not want them staying with me. He is livid and says I abandoned them. Every time I get a text from him, I am frozen in fear and it is so difficult to go along my day and function.

[Lotus2]

I should also add that when he sends me a text, email, calls me, my anxiety is through the roof. My heart pounding and sweating are off the charts.

[SonofThunder]

when he sends me a text, email, calls me

Hi Lotus2,

Since he is abusive, why do you continue to allow your electronic devices to receive text, email and calls from him?

SoT

[square]

I don't have a full answer for you. I really feel your pain, though, and I know I would be frozen in your position.

1) It really is something that he thinks ABUSING YOU MORE is the way to save the marriage.

2) Ultimately, your children are their own people and will make their own choices. We have to accept that. The choices they make now may change later. They may not.

3) If your son is already influenced so strongly by his father, do you think that moving back under your husband's control will lessen his influence over his son? I'm guessing he will in fact continue everything he can think of to ensure you are even more trapped, not less.

4) You did not create this situation, you can only choose to participate or exit.

Sending you hope for clarity and peace.

[Lotus2]

SonofThunder - Good question. Since we have three children, I want to be able to communicate about them. Maybe I should block him, but I don't want the children in the middle of this since we have not agreed on visitation/custody yet. I plan on having divorce papers served to his lawyer on Monday.

[Lotus2]

Square -
thank you so much.

Yes - you're right about that. He thinks the more he abuses me, the more likely I am to back down because it has worked so many times before.

This is all so helpful, especially this here. Thank you.
"You did not create this situation, you can only choose to participate or exit"

[losingmyself]

The only advice I have for you is to make sure that all the electronic and voice messages you get from him are saved. This could help you in future custody hearings. 
If you need to stay in contact with him for the kids activities,  doctor's appointments and school, then only respond to that part of his message.  Ignore the rest.
Read 'Splitting ' by Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger.
And listen to podcasts,  the two most helpful to me are Dr Ramani and Kris Godinez. 
It is so scary, when you believe that they're saying these bad things about you. Turn it around,  and hear it like they're saying them about themselves. You've injured his ego, and he only knows that he needs to fight.
Stay calm. Be the better person. Your kids will see it eventually. They probably already do, but he's going to lay it on thick to get them on his side. They'll come around if you just remain a solid, stable force always with an open door for them.
God bless, and keep posting.

[SonofThunder]

SonofThunder - Good question. Since we have three children, I want to be able to communicate about them. Maybe I should block him, but I don't want the children in the middle of this since we have not agreed on visitation/custody yet. I plan on having divorce papers served to his lawyer on Monday.

Lotus2,

Since the only reason that electronic communication with him is desired, is the child(ren), I want to suggest an effective, proper and potentially useful boundary for you. 

Your court system and child protection/social services organization, may recommend or court order the use of a parental communications app that is built for those custody reasons, and its record of communications may hold up in court, as a tool for the courts to review the actions and reactions of both parents. Maybe you can contact the proper services to find out now, what app your court system recommends/utilizes. Below my signature is a link to one such app. 

Your proper boundary could look like this: 

1. Lotus2 writes to her children's father, that after this last communication, sent both by text and email, that Lotus will no longer be receiving traditional email, text or phone calls from him as done prior.

2. Lotus2 also states in that same writing that instead, she has downloaded _________ app, has already registered as a user and will only utilize that app to communicate with him on matters related only to the child(ren). Lotus bcc's herself on that email to him, for a time/date stamp record on her good intentions to create a peaceful method of communication with him, which is what is BEST FOR THE CHILD(REN).

*Lotus2, pease consider keeping those capitalized words in the forefront of all your decision making, as that will probably be the laser-focus of the courts with custody of your minor child. If you act intelligently, calmly, and amicably with that always in your mind, your fantastic intent may align well with the court. 

3. After Lotus2 sends the communications by text and email, she assumes (as is typical in the past), that he has received them well, and Lotus2 immediately blocks all known emails and phone numbers used by him on all her devices.

*If he creates a new email address(es) or uses a flying-monkey's electronic devices to reach her devices, Lotus2 does not respond at all (noJADE) to the bait, but continues to block all new addresses and numbers. 

4. Lotus2 silently and (emotionally agonizing) patiently waits for him to download the app and reach out.

*He may play the well-known PD waiting game where no communications are occurring, luring Lotus2 into worry and JADE, but Lotus2 will need to be strong.

5. When Lotus2 receives her first communication via the app, she understands that she must always be calm, focused only on matters of the non-adult child and what is best for the child, knowing that the apps communications may be utilized by the courts in a child-custody decision. 

*Imo, PD's let their emotions overrule and there is high probability he will use the app for purposes of manipulation and verbal abuse of you.  Lotus2 should always remain brief, professional and amicable (spirit of friendly through privately clenched teeth haha).

Imo, the only way that boundary will not be effective is if Lotus2 does not adopt a backbone of steel, silent-patience and thick skin in her focus to uphold the boundary she created for herself. This boundary is for Lotus2's self protection, and for the protection of the non-adult child, whose rights to choose for himself/herself are dictated by law. This boundary is not punishment of their father.

SoT

https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/

[escapingman]

For you to be able to heal you need to shut down the abuse. Block all avenues of contact except one, the legal team. Can you have a protective order? When I filed for divorce my then uPDw ramped all abuse and thought that more abuse would change my mind, she used parental alienation and had my daughter turned completely against me. Do you have evidence of the abuse? Do you have journals? Recordings?

I am now divorced and have blocked xw on all avenues except emails, her emails are automatically moved to a special folder so I can see when she has sent an email and I can decide when to read it.

[Boat Babe]

Hi lotus. Can you access in-person support from a domestic abuse agency? I think this will help you as you navigate this scary time. You have two things to keep in the front of your mind, the first being your physical safety and the second is not being terrified into returning to your abuser. Please get as much in person, local support as possible. Also the police need to be informed that you are being threatened. This is criminal behaviour.  Please keep talking to us so we can support you. You are being incredibly brave by the way. Massive hugs.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Lotus 2 - such a difficult time and I can relate. 

My ex would attack every aspect of my being - from how I am as a friend, daughter, mother, worker, etc....  and he was so good at it.

Yesterday, my ex was texting a request in between many nasty, verbal assaults.  I only responded to the basic request and ignored all the rest. 

2 years ago I would have been shattered by his words; but now the impact is much different.  I'm more amazed that he can sustain such a high level of anger and projection - so intense - it must be awful to feel and live like that.  Oh well.

I agree that you can only control yourself, not how your children respond to him and the divorce.  My advice - which I struggle to follow myself - is to be the parent that is calm, thoughtful, a good listener, and most of all, flexible and unafraid to parent.

I blocked my ex from texting/calling and had him email me any information.  That drastically reduced the verbal abuse.

Best of luck, read the tool box - grey rock works!!! and so does silence. 

[Lotus2]

losingmyself - thank you. I will look into the book and podcasts.
I am trying so hard to stay calm, but it very hard.
Since my post, he sent my sons a long message with all lies about me and details about the divorce and our financial situation. All emotionally abusive, and my heart breaks for my children. I want to defend myself, and point out his lies and manipulation, but would that be contributing to the abuse?

[Lotus2]

SonofThunder - Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to outline these steps for me. So incredibly helpful. I will look into the app and work on creating boundaries for myself. Wish me luck!

[Lotus2]

escapingman - unfortunately he has turned my son against me. It breaks my heart.
I have kept all of the text messages, emails or "novels", and started to record our conversations about 3 years ago. I thought I was losing my mind because he would deny saying things and would call me crazy.
I had an OOP years ago, and I may need to get another one. This is so exhausting!
Such a good suggestion to have emails going to a folder. Thank you!

[Lotus2]

Boat Babe - thank you! I plan to call a DV center tomorrow for more support. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just comply and go back so that he can settle down and stop his abusive tantrums. But I know that is not the solution.

[Lotus2]

PlantFlowersNotWeeds - that is so helpful - thank you.
I want to incorporate limiting contact to emails and the app that EM suggested.
The verbal and emotional abuse is taking its toll on me, and what is fascinating is that he says "It's just words - get over it - you know I don't mean that - you're overreacting"   

[losingmyself]

Yesterday I listened to Dr Ramani's podcast, called Navigating Narcissism.  She interviewed a woman who went through what sounds like your situation.  It was a great listen, I highly recommend it!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Lotus 2

I can share that my son can not handle ANY unkind words I make about his father.  Nothing that's even positive with a slight less than positive observation. 

At times, I want to warn him (don't loan him any money, is the motorcycle you're riding insured? etc.....), but he is not able to see that I am coming from a place of caring.  He seems to view it as intrusive, nasty, judgmental, etc....

So, I try to rephrase my concerns.  For example, I make suggestions about how to manage money (what's a credit score, why not overdrawing on your bank acct is important) and I just try to model being a good person.  And modelling a good person means that I don't accept negative behaviors from him.

It's hard because my ex lies to him all the time.  I think my son's knows, and it hurts.  I also think when I pointed it out, it was like I was driving the knife into his heart even more.  So maybe his father hurt him initially, but because my son doesn't talk about these experiences, when I point it out, it only adds to his pain, it doesn't lessen it.

The struggle is REAL

[Lotus2]

Yesterday I listened to Dr Ramani's podcast, called Navigating Narcissism.  She interviewed a woman who went through what sounds like your situation.  It was a great listen, I highly recommend it!

Losingmyself - I listened to the podcast yesterday. WOW! Thank you for recommending it. This hit me on so many levels. This is great to listen to if anyone is experiencing "Coercive Control" It is good to identify some of what I am experiencing. It is heartbreaking for anyone to go through.

[Lotus2]

Lotus 2

I can share that my son can not handle ANY unkind words I make about his father.  Nothing that's even positive with a slight less than positive observation. 

At times, I want to warn him (don't loan him any money, is the motorcycle you're riding insured? etc.....), but he is not able to see that I am coming from a place of caring.  He seems to view it as intrusive, nasty, judgmental, etc....

So, I try to rephrase my concerns.  For example, I make suggestions about how to manage money (what's a credit score, why not overdrawing on your bank acct is important) and I just try to model being a good person.  And modelling a good person means that I don't accept negative behaviors from him.

It's hard because my ex lies to him all the time.  I think my son's knows, and it hurts.  I also think when I pointed it out, it was like I was driving the knife into his heart even more.  So maybe his father hurt him initially, but because my son doesn't talk about these experiences, when I point it out, it only adds to his pain, it doesn't lessen it.

The struggle is REAL

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to know the right words to say and the right thing to do. I always second guess myself. This here is so helpful - "And modelling a good person means that I don't accept negative behaviors from him."

It is so hard when my sons believe all the lies their father has told him. I want to defend myself but I have been advised not to do that.