18 year old son aligning with exPD father

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I feel pretty sad this morning.

My son has been struggling with the divorce, and no surprise, the anger is directed at me.
I have a hard time communicating with him without coming across as defensive and demanding.  I do incorporate compassion in our conversations but it gets overshadowed.
My son has lived with me over the past year and a half, he's 18. 

Our relationship is pretty shallow, he's a difficult young man, when he gets frustrated/overwhelmed, he just shuts down.  I've tried to be patient.  Our relationship as mother/son is on thin ice and as "roommates" it is awful.  My son is a mess, doesn't follow up on any chores, he doesn't clean up his own room, etc...

Looking back, prior to my moving out, parenting my son was a challenge because of his father.  His father was so inconsistent that it was impossible for me to try and compensate.  For example, his father was always on the tv/phone, so trying to teach my son balance with screen time was a losing battle.  Also, the verbal abuse towards me definitely impacted my son.  I don't know how my son feels, but outwardly, he isn't nice to me, rarely shows understanding/compassion/etc.., and avoids any real connection.   I wouldn't say he is mean to be, but just almost.  I'm unsure if he learned this from his father or this is just how he is.

People that don't understand these family dynamics will say "oh, your son knows how much you do for him, he does appreciate you, etc..."  But, that is not the case.  I think he sees my expectations of him as demanding/controlling, my asking basic questions about his life as intrusive, and when I get upset (yesterday, I cried when I was asking him how to help me be a better parent, that I don't know how to help him), he sees this as a weakness - that I'm crazy.  And that, the last part, definitely came from his father.  Over the past month, my son has not put forth consistent effort to get a job and for hours (12-15?, no lie) he might just watch tv or be on his phone.  Just like his father.   

It breaks my heart.  He doesn't have friends, no job, no real connections.  He is starting college in the fall, but I'm not sure how that will work out.  I was hoping that would be a motivator for him, but it really isn't . He's in therapy - I think he is depressed. 

I want to help him and I've come to the conclusion that helping him would really be to not help.  He did share last night that he is going to live with his father at the end of the month because I'm "on him the whole time".  Long story short, his father is claiming that he is buying a house at the end of the month.  I don't see how this will really happen - I think his dad is playing some kind of game, but who knows, could be true, could not be true.
Right now his father is living in a hotel.  His father is definitely trying to break our relationship.

So, last night I got defensive and told my son to leave now, go live in the hotel.  I know this was not being compassionate towards him, I could have done better.  Being abused in my marriage for so long; it feels like my son abuses me.  He avoids any financial responsibilities (he's certainly capable of working), any household chores, and can be borderline defiant with me. 

It's just so sad, it breaks my heart.  It makes no sense to me - if he leaves why would I miss a son that oozes hatred towards me.  I'm not exaggerating - sometimes how he looks at me is just so cold.  I think I'm sad because I miss a relationship with my son that I haven't had in years.

Any words of wisdom, advice, suggestions would be so helpful to me now

[notrightinthehead]

Oh Plantflowers, I am so sorry! Big hug! I remember what it feels like to live with a sullen teenager, who seems to blame me for everything, seems to see me as a servant, is a dark presence in my life. I understand your longing to bond with him and have a feeling of mutual support.
I have no advice for you, I can only tell you what I did. Instead of putting effort into the relationship, I began to work really hard on myself. Support groups, therapy, interest and hobby groups. I brought as much happiness in my life as I possibly could. When interacting with my resentful teenager I applied medium chill,  and mirroring. I avoided confrontation at all costs. I took care in the sense that there was food and she was welcome to join, I cleaned and washed, just like I would have done if I was living on my own. Otherwise I did my thing and let the resentful, sullen teenager do her thing. I made myself available whenever she wanted to talk and I tried to validate her feelings and express my love in these moments. When she was rude or yelled at me, I removed myself. So many hours I was terrified that I did the wrong thing and was a bad parent.
In my case, she eventually opened up again and now, many years later we can talk openly.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you strength and patience.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you for sharing how you approached your life with your teenager.

I do need to focus more on myself and my own healing. 

I told my son that I loved him, and I want him to stay, but if he chooses to stay we need to come to some agreements, and that if he wants to leave, I would support this decision as well.  I emphasized that he has choices here as to how he wants to live, but I also have choices.

[escapingman]

Plantflowers,

I have hesitated to reply but feel like I need to. I am going through similar issues with my DD, although she is only 14. She is not mean to me all the time but she certainly knows how to break my heart and she doesn't hesitate to do it - just to come and be nice to me 5 minutes later when she needs me. Since I don't have anything to compare with I am not sure how much is teen behaviour and how much is flees or possible worse.

I really feel for you and I understand exactly what you are going through and how you feel. I have no good answer and I am probably searching for the solution myself. But as you wrote, we need to make our choices and make sure we are healthy and well. I can't drag myself in to arguments and fights with DD just because she decides it's time for one. Let your son make his choices however much it hurst you, trying to choose for him will drag you down.

Good luck and I hope he choses the right choice.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you, escapingman.

I think I just needed reminders that I am not alone in this - my situation is not entirely unique.

I really need a vacation.  I can't take a typical one, but this week I am going to find ways to feel like I'm on holiday

[Lotus2]

Plantflowers - I wish I had advice for you, I am living through a very similar situation. I am sending you BIG hugs. Please try and Go easy on yourself. I have to believe that things will get better!!!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I am very hard on myself.  Maybe this is part of a habit I had for years?  Kinda like, if I was able to be a better person/less controlling/etc... then my PD husband wouldn't be so abusive; - I blamed myself.  That reasoning sounds so ridiculous, but that's how I felt when I was in the fog.  It kept me frozen and working so hard.

I'm blaming myself now.  It's difficult to break a pattern of thinking that has been mine for so many years.

[xredshoesx]

sending you strength and compassion plantflowers

i don't think you're the bad guy here.  at some point all baby birds need to leave the nest.  you didn't push him out like some of us with PD/uPD parents were pushed out (ie sink or swim, no life preserver).  i like what you said about both of you having choices.  yes he can go live with dad.  yes he can come live with you.  the difference between you and dad is that if he decides to stay with you, you are already thinking about boundaries.

notright has some great ideas.  if he chooses to return and doesn't like dinner that can be his problem to solve.  he can do things for himself like his washing, etc.  things that will help him be more independent when the time comes for him to  live on his own.   

i think with all that happened with your ex it was really important for him to stay in that kid mode longer too.  you gave him a gift but he doesn't see it yet.  i know that one of the things i still resent from my upbringing was being forced to take on the responsibilities of an adult while at the same time my mother still got to be that perpetual teenager with someone else always picking up her tab and cleaning up her mess.

you've got this.  we've got  your back.

[rockandhardplace]

Do you think your ex planted those thoughts? It took me a long time to recognise that I was being manipulated into blaming myself for his behaviours. I was aware that he was not emotionally supportive but took a long time to recognise that he was abusive. When I was worried I had PND I started to become aware that my negative inner voice telling me I'm not good enough, getting everything wrong etc was not actually mine. That was 8 years ago and I still struggle to work out what are my real insecurities and what are things he told me were my flaws. Not sure that makes sense, but being blamed for everything for years and years, especially if it's someone really manipulative, can lead to such self doubt and confusion. And also I suspect part of us want to believe that it's our fault as at least we have some control over our actions. We have no influence on the PD's behaviour. They just don't care about the way they destroy lives.
Sorry I don't have any advice on the teen issue. I'm terrified I'll be in the same place soon. My 14 year old is already slipping away from me because of our family dysfunction and it breaks my heart.

I am very hard on myself.  Maybe this is part of a habit I had for years?  Kinda like, if I was able to be a better person/less controlling/etc... then my PD husband wouldn't be so abusive; - I blamed myself.  That reasoning sounds so ridiculous, but that's how I felt when I was in the fog.  It kept me frozen and working so hard.

I'm blaming myself now.  It's difficult to break a pattern of thinking that has been mine for so many years.

[Leonor]

Hello Plant Flowers,

Oh I think it's great that you were able to tell your son that you loved him, would be happy to have him stay with you, would understand if he went to live with his father, but if he did stay, you would have some boundaries and expectations. You are right: you do have a choice, and your son at 18 is going to have to make the choices before him too, because he is an adult and choices are part of adulting.

So now your focus has to be on the boundaries and agreements you want to set down. You're paying the bills, so you have the ultimate say. What are your expectations? What are your boundaries? What are the consequences? What will you do and not do for him going forward?

These aren't special ways of managing a difficult teenager; they're part of the parenting process to help our children grow into capable, independent adults. He will not like it, and he may leave, and blame you, but stay strong, mamma bear! You are the wise woman, and you are raising a man able to navigate this world on his own.

Great job!