Divorced after 12 year battle

[mindcirkus]

Been on this forum for a decade. Never thought my ex was that bad. Turns out she was worse than all of them. Here are the top points I've taken away.

1. Document. Especially finances. I did not, it cost me plenty of money and frustration.
2. Safety and self-care are top priority.
3. Put 100% of your effort into the divorce but stay disengaged emotionally. Be totally non-reactive.
4. No contact is a game-changer. Words cannot describe the healing that takes place. There is no second place.
5. Get a great, experienced lawyer. Mine was kind and soft...it cost me money in the end.
6. Get close to a support system but do not vent, just be present with them.
More to come.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I agree with your list

#5 is tricky, the legal system is so broken.  My lawyer was a go getter, but.....I do feel like she dragged it on and enjoyed a few extra dollars.  At the time, I was so upset by how much it was costing me.  Now, I put it in a bigger context.  I put myself first, I did the very best I could through the process, and every dollar was worth my freedom.

#1 Documenting is important.  Even though many of my experiences were my word against his, when I described my situation to my own attorney - she understood.  I didn't come across as an emotional mess, but as an individual that experienced abuse.  I could provide specifics/emails/texts.  And, when she had a few private conversations with the judge, she had observable details to share.  I do believe this helped me avoid alimony (I was exposed for 10 years) and health care ($$$).

No contact so important - still is.  I fall back every now and then, but doing pretty well here.

[StartingHealing]

mindcirkus

I second your list. Would like to add that online accounts need to included.  Anything that could potentially expose you to any liability.

Also you reside in the USA, check to see if the county in which you reside has a program of locking your title against transfer unless you provide permission. 

Along with the lawyer, the judge also is a factor.  Ask your attorney concerning the reputation of the judges in the family court.  Do everything possible to get into the court of a judge that is known for "fairness". 

Without going into depth, the judges behavior in court was such that my attorney filed a complaint and I filed one as well.  Unfortunately even if the judge is censored, or removed from the bench, that will not vacate his ruling on final orders. 

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Interesting point about the judge - although I wasn't thrilled with my attorney, I picked her because she knew the judges and practiced in the same system for awhile.  As a result, she had a good working relationship with the judge - this definitely helped.

For #3; I found journaling very helpful; it keeps me from engaging.

[mindcirkus]

Hi user.
Short answer but the truth is, they are "the worst" all of the time. Problem is, we are self-analyzing, empathetic, generous, positive people. She was always very bad but, I either wanted to protect the kids, or I had selective amnesia. It was super helpful to tape record a couple of her rants. Not for display but for my memory. They were horrific to hear but necessary.
You will see the very very worst when they finally realize it is over, and final. No more need for their mask so they toss it.
Here it is: they are rotten to the core. So rotten, there seems to be "good days and bad." Not true! They work in a covert fashion which means things are not as they seem. Their actions never line up with their words. They will make any promise, and then act as if it never happened.
To disengage means to grow spiritually, and realize what is ACTUALLY happening here. We are souls who came to earth to evolve. We evolve thru our trials and tribulations. We must graciously learn our lessons, let go, and move on. I strongly suggest the works of Michael Singer.
There are amazing loving, supportive, brilliant people out there who will appreciate you, and honest living. DO NOT tolerate anything but respect, honesty, and loving generosity from anyone especially your partner. If you want to stay with a problem then investigate why that may be, and then LEAVE. If your not sure, then LEAVE. If you are afraid, or confused then LEAVE. The answer is always the same. LEAVE YESTERDAY. You will never go wrong. There are 8.5 billion others out there.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

It seemed like the minute I said I'm getting a divorce, the mask was tossed out.  Amazing - you hit that stop on.

It was like he became a different person in seconds and never went back.   Of course, I know now that the different person was the one he was pretending to be - so many lies