Divorce papers are ready - but I am afraid of the next step.

[Lotus2]

Last week uBPDh sent my sons (19 & 20) a very long text with lies about me - accusing me of destroying the family, of turning my back on them (because I moved out). He told them divorce is trash, and that I want another life without them. It was absolutely horrible. Full of lies and half truths. I sent my sons a separate note to let them know those words were lies and that their father should not put them in the middle of our situation. I told them I love them and I am always here for them, that I did not leave them. I had to find a different home since their father and I are going to divorce.

My oldest will not speak to me and doesn't understand why I would do this. It's as if he has amnesia and does not remember the abuse. He has aligned with his father.

The level of emotional abuse is off the charts.  I have stalled with the divorce for fear of his reactions and threats, and always afraid of his irrational tantrums.

Now, I am on mission to divorce him. My lawyer has the divorce papers ready. BUT I AM FROZEN. Do I tell him tomorrow that I have filed again (first time was 2019), to give him a heads up? Do I just have him served? Either way, he will have a horrible reaction. And I am so afraid of what he will say to the kids. Do I warn them?

I am so afraid of the post-separation abuse!!

[notrightinthehead]

Did he give you a heads up before drawing your kids into the problems between you?
This is a person who drowns in his own frustration. Why would you decide to drown with him instead of saving yourself?
It's so painful to find that your children believe his lies, can you block this out for now? Can you focus on getting to a safe space and be for them the kind, loving and healthy person when they begin to look for you?

[moglow]

Painful as it has to be for you, there's no way to control what he says or how your sons choose to respond to it. Removing yourself from the abuse really is your best option - filing for divorce is your next most obvious step in that process. I would think you moving out would make it clear where this was headed, probably countless conversations long before now. I'd absolutely have him served without giving him notice, leave no room for more fruitless discussion. 

For the stbex to still be putting your sons in the middle, aiming to hurt you, is a poor reflection on him and his character. He's not grasping that they don't have to pick sides in your marriage - you're both still their parents. They have to find their own peace with it, and as mentioned above, that could take a while.

[escapingman]

Every time I told my now ex wife I wanted to divorce or separate she talked me into giving it another chance, the only way in the end for me was to just file. She still tried to talk me out of it and to withdraw, when I say talk it was mostly raging, screaming and crying.

There is zero point in you giving advanced notice, it will only delay or derail you mission.

[losingmyself]

I'm so sorry about your kids being in the middle of this mess. I can't give advice on that matter, as I don't have kids with my STBX.
But, I didn't want to hear the BS that I knew would come when I gave him the divorce papers, so I packed up my stuff and left the divorce papers on the coffee table. Then I blocked him from all kinds of communication with me. There was nothing else I could do as I knew nothing would be accomplished by us talking. Or should I say me listening to him rant. Again.
I was terrified. But I picked a date, and I prepared myself the best I could. My friends here gave me good advice, that I wasn't running away. I was protecting myself, and doing what I had to do. Our lawyers handle communication now.
I think your kids will eventually see you being the normal parent. It just takes time. Be the best YOU that you can be. Show them that you're strong.
You are.

[mindcirkus]

I could have written this, and so could many others. According to my ex I abandoned my family. She told the kids a million lies, and some stuck. They carefully mix lies in with a known truth so it looks real. They are evil. I have 4 kids 2 talk to me and 2 don't. The 2 that are enmeshed with her don't talk to me. She planted seeds of alienation years before the divorce. I will repeat for those of you who didn't see my previous post. GET OUT NOW! Don't be too hard on yourself when you finally do get out. Everyone, and I mean everyone stays too long. Self-care hard. Eat right, sleep, exercise, drop the alcohol and other crap. Our revenge is living long, healthy, happy lives. They are stuck with themselves, and there is nothing worse than that. God speed🙏

[Lotus2]

Thank you all. I don't wish having to go through this on my worst enemy.
His lawyer told him about me re-filing again, but he has not been served.
He lost it – tantrums, fake crying, yelling, screaming, blaming. My oldest son heard it all, hates me for this and called me selfish.
Stbx said my son was in tears and is a mess. That I have ruined the kids and the worse is yet to come.
Now is when the blaming myself comes in. I should have left when they were babies, and they would not have known any different. Maybe they would not have been subjected to this hell.
How do I make this right? I want to crawl into a cave and stay there.

[Poison Ivy]

The following saying is appropriate for your situation: When you're going through hell, keep going. That is, don't stop, continue with the process, it will eventually end.

[SonofThunder]

The following saying is appropriate for your situation: When you're going through hell, keep going. That is, don't stop, continue with the process, it will eventually end.

+1.

Now 12+ months into separation, the front-end high drama is over and its much more manageable. Keep going Lotus2. Time and your PDh will both expose the truth to your children, and time does a MUCH better job of it, than I could have ever done.  That kind of truth that time exposes is undeniable, and your kids will face themselves regarding the truth and their past, present and future choices. You just keep being good ole' steady Lotus2 to your kids, and keep your relationship door open for them to walk through, in truth, whenever that time comes. It will come and time dictates itself.   

This reality will also be good for your kids adulting experiences.

SoT

[escapingman]

Now is when the blaming myself comes in. I should have left when they were babies, and they would not have known any different. Maybe they would not have been subjected to this hell.

I was going to make a longer reply, I will later but for now I want to just say this.

THE PAST IS IN THE PAST AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

However, you are in charge of the future and stop dwelling on what's and if's and put all your focus on becoming free now for the rest of your life.

Good luck, you got this.

[SeaBreeze]

I know it sounds cliche, but keep putting one foot in front of the other, no looking back. When I left stbx 5 months ago and moved out of state, I quite literally focused on the road ahead and kept driving. The first day of driving, I almost U-turned and drove back a few times. But with each passing hour, as I put more literal miles between stbx and myself, I felt better and stronger. These past few months, on the days the trauma bond kicks in and I start wavering, I remind myself of that drive up here and keep looking forward and ahead. One hour, one day, one week, one month at a time.

I know your sons are very young adults. My exit strategy included DS20 (my youngest of three), who left a few months before I did and now lives with me. (But, I also had urged him to go ahead and get the heck out, with or without me, rather than put his own life on hold waiting for me to finish enacting my plans.) So I know 18 is not a magical age of sudden independent adulthood, but...They are adults. They will learn/are learning to navigate their PD father just like we have learned. Please get yourself to safety first; it is the best example you will ever set for your sons of self-care, strength, and boundaries against a PD. I *know* it hurts, truly, to feel a child is taking the PD parent's side, and as a mother I feel for your pain. Yet as others have stated, time will come out on the side of truth.

One step forward at a time. You can do it.

[Lotus2]

I am so grateful that you have taken your time to respond and help me.
But It keeps getting worse and worse.
He continues to use my sons as a weapon and continuing to disparage and alienate me.
He said our oldest already has a seed of hatred towards me.
His next threat is that he is going to tell our oldest that unless I go back to the marital home or give him money, that he (my son) will no longer be a member of his sports club. His sport is his whole world and that would crush him, and possibly send him on a downward spiral. 
I am hitting rock bottom. I know I have to keep going but it is so very hard. This is where I would normally turn around and go back. It feels like I have cried a river of ugly tears just this evening alone.

[callinectes]

Keep going! I'm 4 months into the process and have weathered a variety of threats from my bpd spouse. The journey is painful but living in peace is so worth it. Definitely take care of yourself and don't get sucked into the threats and drama. You got this.

[square]

Your situation is so hard. I wish I could help.

This Internet stranger is metaphorically holding your hand while you cry. I'm so sorry, hon.

This is likely the hardest thing you've ever done. It's time to close your eyes, channel all the emotions and harden it into resolve. Resolve to stand on your own two feet and carry your own weight - but not carry anyone else right now.

If your son's father wants to destroy his sports membership, that is on him, whether or not your son understands that right now or even forever.

Whatever you do or do not do, do it (or don't) with integrity, from the center of your being, head up, shoulders square, on your feet. Your choices. Your self.

[notrightinthehead]

Another stranger holding your hand.

Let facts speak for themselves. Your sons may or may not open their eyes to facts, eventually.  This is a storm. Be steady. Be true to yourself. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

[SonofThunder]

He continues to use...

He said...

His next threat...

He is going to tell...

Hi Lotus2,

Yes its very hard.  You have much support here on Out of the FOG from comrades here on this same trail with you. You are not alone. 

One of the methods that PD's use is to have us focus on them and what they do/may do, which we cannot control.  Your last post is a good example of that effectiveness. I left the portions of your quote above to make the point of how effective your PDh's tactics are, in keeping you focused on him. 

Please understand that having the nonPD focus on the PD is a PD-parasite tactic and these parasitic people use others in their lives to blame-shift their troubles away from themselves and onto the parasite-host that is now done letting the parasite feed rent-free. 

A Out of the FOG comrade once used the wonderful analogy of a tick that is firmly attached in feeding from a host.  When the host-supplier stops hosting the tick, time will reveal the truth that the tick cannot survive on its own; it needs the hosts blood-supply. Until time reveals the truth, all others will be manipulated by the parasite to portray the tick as the victim. 

Once we non's get comfortable with the fact that the Karpman drama triangle 🔺 roles will be the role-dancing game that parasite-PD's play, we non's can learn to stop being a dance partner. But, as long as we remain active in our PD-assigned🔺 role, we do not make forward progress.  The trick is to stop dancing and focus on our own progress during this crucial period where the tick is host-less. 

The drama 🔺 has three sides:

Perpetrator (Lotus2 is assigned, PDh is true), Victim (PDh is assigned, Lotus2 and children are true) and the temporary role of Rescuer (PDh is assigned, PDh really desires Lotus2 to play by returning to host or suffer for shutting off your host-supply).

To get off the 🔺, I needed to develop indifference. I cannot control the dance roles of my PDw and adult children, but only myself.  My PDw (now stbx) is 🔺dancing all the time with my adult children, and my PDw is assigning me as 🔺perpetrator.  But my adult children, over time, are realizing that I am truthfully not involved in the dance. My children are understanding that the perpetrator assignment of me by their mother is a lie. 

Time will tell the truth. Time dictates it's own revelations and its own timing, so we must be patient and instead develop indifference and proactivity in other areas.  We must stop focusing on the starving tick and start focusing on healing the wound in ourselves, which is the result of the tick being attached for a long span. Your children must learn over time, to do this for themselves, not you do this for them. 

Lastly, you also wrote: "I am..." twice in truthful mindfulness.  I want to suggest you also work on the positive and proactive "I will..". As your truthful comrades here on Out of the FOG support;  keep moving forward.

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Yes! Don't engage in the dance. Even if I think I can communicate with my exPD, he's tactics are so powerful that I'm back in the dance in seconds. Just not worth it.

[Lotus2]

You are all amazing and so supportive - I read your responses over and over again, and it helps but then I fall back.

As an update,
I have stalled on having him served because I was afraid PDh would escalate.
He wants me to give him a lot of money every month so he can stay in the marital home with my sons. OR for me to go back to the home and he will move out. This in an effort to save the only asset we have. Stating that I have abandoned them and they are suffering emotionally because of my selfishness.

I do not have money to give him and I do not want to move back to the home - I do not trust him or believe him. But if I go back it would have to be with a finalized divorce agreement with court orders that he would have to follow. But even then, I would be in fear that he would return or do something to make my life hell. I don't know what to do.

His next victim is my middle son (19). I don't know what he was told, but PDh has turned my son against me as well. This is gut wrenching.
My daughter (15) is living with me, and he continues to threaten to tell her the "truth" about me. Thankfully she sees through the manipulation.
My oldest son (20) wants nothing to do with me.

He has made the boys believe that they NEED the marital home, that it is there only "home base", and that I am trying to rip their security blanket from under them. He is saying all of this after threatening to sell the home for years if we divorce. But he has re-written history and tells his story with such conviction that they believe him.



 

[SonofThunder]

I have stalled on having him served because I was afraid PDh would escalate.

...I don't know what to do.

Hi Lotus2,

Imo, your PDh is behaving and creating experiences for you and your children, that are right out of the PD playbook.  As you will read here on Out of the FOG many times over, PD's seem to read the same how-to-be-a-PD manual. 

Imo, your PDh is purposefully manipulating you to stall, and your PDh chose you as a spouse because of your good qualities, which are now weaponized against you, to keep you frozen.

The only thing to do, is step off... 🤛🏼

Scary for sure, but turning unknowns to knowns is so very powerful!  If you do not have an attorney, please do so asap.

Depending on where you live, the divorce laws will dictate any asset division and cash flow, not a spouses demands, so let his threats just float on down the river, as he is not above the law. 

With an attorney ready to deliver a restraining order, you having ready physical self-protection methods, like the highest quality Kimber PepperBlaster2 (buy on Amazon or a local firearms store), emergency numbers at the ready and your nearest police and/or fire department for your quick safe retreat, step off and turn unknowns to knowns. 

You can do this! Many brave folks here, in your very similar shoes, have done just that! 👍🏼

SoT

[escapingman]

uNPDxw kept stalling and threatening and I was paralysed. Not until I had a legal team that dragged me through it and eventually got me to agree to submit a non molestation order which and have her removed from the house I could start healing and slowly see clearer day by day.

Divorcing a PD is hard, you need someone to handle it for you and to hide behind.

You got this, push on, we are all here for you!