Moving a lot

[Aeon]

Just wondering if anyone else has had a PD with this kind of behaviour.
For the first few years we stayed in one place  but for the last decade and a half my unAvPD has been having us move roughly every year and half. As all PD's he has his excuses, usually for jobs but in reality his job is very much in demand.
This has constant moving has caused a lot of tension because it's rough on me to always be packing and unpacking. We are now in a foreign country so new stresses like a new language are in the mix, too.
I have mentioned that I dislike being a vagabond back before I came terms with change never happening and I wonder if this is an avoidant way to say, "Get out". I realize that understanding it does not necessarily help someone in my position but this seems like a strange behaviour for even a PD.
Any ideas?

[Aeon]

I forgot to mention (I can't figure out how to edit it) that we've been moving roughly every year and half for the last 13 years.

[SeaBreeze]

Nomadic life is not necessarily a PD trait. But in my own experience with PDs, it's definitely been a pattern.

My uNPDm was also co-morbid paranoid schizophrenic. She moved my brother and I around a LOT. As she devalued and discarded different people each place that we lived (family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers) she would then become convinced they were acting as agents of Satan who was out to get her (not exaggerating, she believed and stated this often). So, she would quit yet another job and we would move, again. My brother and I also agree this DnD cycle seemed triggered around the time he and I would finally be comfortable in our latest school and had finally made friends whom we preferred to spend time with. We honestly think our mother kept uprooting us, in part, to keep us isolated, off-guard, and dependent on her.

Stbx-uNPDh started pushing to move us away from my adopted hometown very early in our relationship. I did indeed recognize that as a red flag for abuse, and resisted several years, leading to much conflict. Eventually, we had to move for economical reasons, and ended up moving several times. Not totally stbx's fault, but it did seem his accepted job offers moved us farther away from my friends and family each subsequent move. Thanks to my childhood, I'm an expert packer and mover, and the actual moving plans were always left up to me even as stbx criticized me every step of the way. I also did my best to ease the transition for my kids, particularly my youngest DS who was affected most with each move (often leading to arguments with stbx for waiting til holiday breaks to follow him) because I know what it's like to change schools multiple times.

Now stbx is isolated several states away after each of the kids and I took turns leaving and all now live near each other. He seems...surprised? He's also rewriting history and claims he didn't want to keep moving, either, but that is certainly not the sentiment he expressed back when we were actually making these moves.

[Aeon]

Thank you so much for sharing Seabreeze. Although this is not listed as a technical symptom, it just seemed to me to be so anti-rational that it must be part of, at least, some PD behaviour.
We have very similar husbands. I look back on the first time the cycle seemed to have started and it always appeared to be when I had friends and we had lived there a few years. After that, it was maybe two years tops at any place. Thankfully, there are no kids to torture in my case but the years of packing, unpacking and chaos have taken their toll on me.
When I was still in the fog, I would complain and get much the same excuses that I assume you did. Down through the years I have noticed that the only acceptable jobs are those that are far away. I've moved across the country (USA) roughly three times and now overseas.
I am relieved that you and your kids are out of that situation. You saw the signs earlier than I but knowing what is going on helps me cope with it, although I may not be leaving for survival reasons.

That weird business of rewriting history boggle my mind. My uPDh does that often. If the, only place that offered me a job, doesn't fly then it's the, I hated that place, will.

Obviously to keep me unbalanced, off-guard, friendless and dependent. Totally makes PD sense and absolutely not the way to keep a spouse.

Thanks again.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Aeon,

I believe there is a connection with PD and required change to renew. I believe it is similar in mindset to the IDD cycle, as PD's always have to keep relationships moving as well. In my experiences, PD's friends come and go, and my PDw never desired my relationship with her to become settled. Every IDD cycle including status bar-raising and therefore more work for me (the caretaking non) to achieve. 

I believe PD's don't host a 'self' so their 'self' is hosted (lived-through) the target nons.  I also believe the PD's 'self' is lived through the facade that the PD portrays to relationship circles three through five, which includes acquired objects. Circle one (the closest inner chosen/unchosen circle relationship to the PD) and circles two and three may be heavily utilized by the PD to fund and/or provide time, energy and possessions to assist the PD in keeping their facade 'self' renewed, energetic and improving in appearance. 

I have been married three decades and in those years, moved six times in the same county in the USA, each move being an upward status. Same with the PD's vehicle choices and wardrobe.  Now separated, I moved once more, so seven moves for me. My final move will be to assisted living and then/or the paradise of Heaven. Cheers!

SoT

[NarcKiddo]

This is interesting. I never connected my FOO's multiple moves to a PD before. It seemed due to my father's job, so there was no choice.

But - my father may well have a PD. I thought he was an enabler but my therapist has pointed out he displays quite a few narc traits. So maybe the career choice suited that. Also my mother's mother, who was a narc of the worst order if not a full-on psychopath, chose a career which involved endless moves and that was in the days when women did not do that sort of thing. Far from seeking stability when she married, my mother (also a narc) chose to marry into the nomadic lifestyle of my father.

[Aeon]

Thank you SoT and Narckiddo.
I did not think anyone would relate to this and I confess as a child with unPDM she did not promote moving in the least, but as SoT points out there does seem to be absolutely no desire for anything that smacks as comfortable or settled in their relationships. This last move was (if I'm counting right) the tenth in 23 years. It seems like there is the outward desire for chaining the non and possibly inward for wanting a place that will change you. H has expressed that on occasion while also saying he knows it doesn't happen.
I used to wonder if it wasn't an excuse for constant chaos but this kind of thinking only goes so far for a non since it doesn't appeal or make sense to me.

I am surprised at anyone relating to this, but grateful for the input. I am not very good at spotting bad behaviour that is easy to excuse, generally.

[Poison Ivy]

My relatives (current and former) who might have PDs seem the opposite: They stayed in the same cities and in the same houses almost their entire adult lives.

[Aeon]

Yes, Poison Ivy, I certainly don't think this applies to all pd's. My uPDM hardly moved at all. A couple of times to move up (apt. to house to house further out in the suburbs) and certainly a lot of PD or non's moved a few times in their lives, usually for rational reasons, we would hope.

[escapingman]

I suppose it's all about circumstances, both PD's and Nons can do a lot of moves or hardly any. For the PD it could be motivated by the desire of something new and to isolate a non, but it could be for any other reason too (both fir a PD and a Non).

I am not a PD and I just moved into my 12th home since becoming an adult having lived in 2 countries and 8 different cities.

[WalkingMind]

My uBPDw and I moved a lot in our first 15 years together. About half of the moves seemed to be driven by some feeling as though we had to run away and start fresh.
In my years learning about PD I wondered how many of our moves were instigated by a PD feeling of dissatisfaction and emptiness, always thinking happiness will happen around the corner in the next place.

[Aeon]

Frankly Walking, after trying to talk to unPD about it, he did seem to hint about quite a few times about how the new place would change him. He has never liked any place we've ever been and doesn't seem to connect himself with that feeling.
It would not surprise me for a moment to think that a good chunk of the reasoning (I use that term very loosely) was that happiness around the corner in the new place thing that you mention.

If you don't mind my asking, what happened to stop the moving in your case, do you think?

[WalkingMind]

I'd add to my previous post it seems they are trying to flee or get rid of their own baggage somehow.

We haven't moved in 15 years, probably due to accumulated fatigue and accumulated baggage, especially with children being elementary school age and moves impacting them too.

[Aeon]

Ah,thanks for the info, Walking. It nice to hear that the kids don't have to endure that.

Talked to uPDH about the situation again and I got the usual swearing he doesn't want to move again but excusing them by all saying that the moves were for a good reason including this next one.

In the end, all of the input I've gotten on OOTFG has helped me see a little better whats going on and although I can't change it, there's something about seeing what it is in reality that helps me cope. I'm doing much better with accepting things as they are and not being always angry and thinking "if he only saw the truth, then things would change".

[SonofThunder]

In the end, all of the input I've gotten on OOTFG has helped me see a little better whats going on and although I can't change it, there's something about seeing what it is in reality that helps me cope. I'm doing much better with accepting things as they are and not being always angry and thinking "if he only saw the truth, then things would change".

Hi Aeon,

I put two of your above statements in bold.  You are equal in human value and human rights to your spouse. Do the bold words (above) apply only to you?  Applying them to your spouse does not fit, because you allow them to apply to you in relation to your spouse.  It is only YOU that makes those words apply to you and not apply to your spouse.

If you chose opposite statements for yourself only (boundaries), then your spouse must choose his own words (his own boundaries). Imo, PD's live through their nonPD emotional self-host and will manipulate the host to choose what the PD desires, as they use tactics to create that lose-lose double bind situation for the non, and the non folds under the manipulative pressure. 

Boundaries are self protective decisions we make that dictate only our own actions and reactions, not the actions and reactions of another adult.  What if you chose these two sentences instead;

1. "Out of the FOG has helped me see a little better whats going on and I have learned I am equal to my spouse and therefore have full rights to choose for myself, therefore I myself, will not be moving again."

2. "I'm doing much better with not accepting that my PDh's choices must be my own choices. Im now not always angry and thinking "if he only saw the truth, then things would change", because Im not in control of what he thinks is truth, and his desire for change, but only myself."

Boundaries require me to have very thick skin, a steel backbone and self-respect/self-love enough to silently know the truth I have learned and stand firm in my decision-making, despite the double-bind tactics my PDw deployed. 

The problem was really not with my spouse, as my solution was truthfully in me. The new arising problem that resulted with my proper boundaries was the truth of incompatibility, because the past emotional-hosting prey(me), stopped being host-food for the predator.  If I had proper boundaries during my earlier marriage years, we would have become incompatible much earlier, once the clever facade of love-bombing ended.  Instead, I allowed myself to always adjust to the needs of my PDw to relieve the manipulative double-bind pressure tactic that my PDw deployed on me.

I have stopped allowing myself to be prey for my predator PDw and incompatibility immediately defined the relationship upon my first boundary stand, and from there forward. The toolbox allowed me to cope with the growing intensity of incompatibility.

SoT

[Aeon]

I'm puzzled by your post.
When I use the words that your are quoting I am clearly referring to me.
If they were referring to him I would have said it. ie. "unPD accepts that he cannot change."
I am not speaking of a boundary in any way shape or form.
I will enact a boundary of, "I will not move again", when I think it is necessary for me.
I think that is how they meant to work.

My choice is to leave or live with his behaviour. This is obvious and I did not see the point in stating it.

I am currently choosing to stay for financial reasons.
I have not chosen sentence 1 because that is not the choice I am making, so it would be a lie.
I have no problem with sentence 2 but did not state it because I consider it completely obvious and did not feel the need to point out the obvious.

I see you are trying to help, but i believe you have read something into my post that is incorrect, perhaps.

[SonofThunder]

I'm puzzled by your post.
When I use the words that your are quoting I am clearly referring to me.
If they were referring to him I would have said it. ie. "unPD accepts that he cannot change."
I am not speaking of a boundary in any way shape or form.
I will enact a boundary of, "I will not move again", when I think it is necessary for me.
I think that is how they meant to work.

My choice is to leave or live with his behaviour. This is obvious and I did not see the point in stating it.

I am currently choosing to stay for financial reasons.
I have not chosen sentence 1 because that is not the choice I am making, so it would be a lie.
I have no problem with sentence 2 but did not state it because I consider it completely obvious and did not feel the need to point out the obvious.

I see you are trying to help, but i believe you have read something into my post that is incorrect, perhaps.

Aeon, my apologies if I have incorrectly read something into your post and thank you for expressing your intent. 

Once I became educated on PD's, I stayed for financial reasons as well. 

You wrote:

"My choice is to leave or live with his behaviour." 

Im not certain if "live with" means 'live-alongside' or 'live-within'. I believe I had an alternative choice, which was to stay (live-alongside) yet become indifferent to my PDw's behavior.

When living with my PDw, her PD traits were surely mixed in the recipe of the cohabitation and legal marriage.  I steadily and proactively worked on setting my self-protective boundaries while staying (live-alongside).  In that extreme incompatibility, my PDw turned up the manipulative heat to try and force me back into (live-within) compliance, but luckily, my indifference skin had thickened enough that I refused, but rather remained in my equal-rights/equal-value, combined with love/care (imo how a marriage should be).  Eventually her manipulation bled into areas of our marriage that were over my choice of self-protective boundary line, and I departed the marriage.

The reason I responded the way I did was because you originally wrote:

"..for the last decade and a half my unAvPD has been having us move roughly every year and half. As all PD's he has his excuses, usually for jobs but in reality his job is very much in demand. This has constant moving has caused a lot of tension because it's rough on me to always be packing and unpacking."

Then later:

"I'm doing much better with accepting things as they are and not being always angry and thinking "if he only saw the truth, then things would change".

"Having us move...." and "accepting things" are imo a choice we each make, and some compromises were a part of my 'living-alongside', but moving is a major stressor so I finally said no while in the marriage.  My boundary proved to me that it was possible to stay in the marriage, yet refuse to move our home again and not accept her PD behaviors, which led to strong discard, covert manipulation and obvious incompatability. That was the attitude in which I wrote my last reply.

But, as you just stated:

"I will enact a boundary of, "I will not move again", when I think it is necessary for me."

Im thrilled you are thick-skinned and steel-backboned to refuse a future move, when you believe that doing so is a necessity for your self-protective boundaries. 

SoT