My sister is too busy to help my mother move

[Healing Finally 2]

HI all, soooooooooo glad I can post here! 

I'm kind of going crazy, but what else is new? 

I've been living with my 91 year old Mom for two years, and now am in the process of moving her into assisted living; moving day is in less than two weeks.

My uNPD sister, who is 62, (I'm 65,) told my mother she can't help with her move because she's "too busy establishing her online USED bikini store."    These are HER bathing suits!

So hard not to get triggered by the bad behavior!! 

Meanwhile, my mother will never stand up for me, and that just make it worse...

My silver lining is that in two weeks I will no longer be living with my mother, and in 10 weeks I'm moving out of the area (figure two months will be good to get her settled.) 

Part of why I moved in with my mother was due to her inability to ask for help from my sister who lives 10 minutes away, "oh she's so busy..." 

I am now going to "let the chips fall where they may", I know she is in good hands now (very established place) and if she needs any help she has another daughter close by.

At least that's the plan...wish me luck! 

[xredshoesx]

my dad and his sister were not able to adult well enough to help their mother transition from assisted living to full nursing home care.  i got sucked into the drama as a mid 20s person - this was before i had an understanding of what boundaries were and how to not be in the FOG.  it's quite a process and i am sorry you had to navigate it alone without support/ help from your sister.

i like your thinking of letting the chips fall where they may and how you have a future boundary of distance and your sister's proximity to even out the caregiving.

i hope you are doing something for your own self care and peace of mind DAILY as you prepare for her move as well as your own.

[Healing Finally 2]

Wow, thank you xredshoesx!!  You hit the nail on the head, my sister can't "adult"!!!   

I am so sorry to hear you had to deal with that situation, but it sure sounds like you have gained a lot of internal strength because of it! 

[bloomie]

Healing Finally 2 - wishing you all of the luck as you take flight and gain freedom you so richly deserve!!

We are in a similar situation with an elder and a sibling and it is very difficult to not get snagged up on the ridiculousness and unfairness. But, you are going to be too busy having fun in a few weeks!

And this...

My uNPD sister, who is 62, (I'm 65,) told my mother she can't help with her move because she's "too busy establishing her online USED bikini store."  These are HER bathing suits!

I couldn't get past this bit for a minute... this is an Out of the FOG hall of fame worthy quote! I cannot stop laughing! Thanks for sharing and brightening my day.

[Petite_Potatoe]

How come NPD siblings can get away with such terrible excuses?

As of Feb of this year I have started to gaslight my family. "I call you guys the most out of anyone i call, I'm just so busy!!" "I will call you as soon as i have time!" "Whoops, I'm so sorry, i'm so busy I forgot to call you!"

Busy doing what? I pull from my ass, and they struggle to believe me. (Esp cause I lost my job in March- I wasnt fired i got benefits though). TOO BUSY WALKING MY NEIGHBORS DOG!!

Yet I have nothing to talk about except for the weather cause it's I have nothing going on! I'm just so boring!

I aspire to lie like your sister is able to. LOL!

[Healing Finally 2]

Thank you bloomie  - agreed regarding the "ridiculousness and unfairness" ! 

LOL "Out of the FOG hall of fame worth quote" - love this...yes the girl is so self-absorbed it's absurd.

I did see her for the first time in 9 years the other day.  My mother needed to add us to her checking account and so we had to be in the same room for a few minutes at the bank.

I felt like I was released from a spell, as I no longer felt compelled to please her (my sister) and I saw her in her true light (totally fake.)  She even said "Good to see you" in a cheery voice as she was leaving...

What kills me is my mother apologizing for my sister for not helping with the move...really Mom...so frigging unhealthy they all are. 

So grateful to be free of this unhealthy family dynamic. 

Thank you again for your support, it has helped me greatly. 

[xredshoesx]

How come NPD siblings can get away with such terrible excuses?

As of Feb of this year I have started to gaslight my family. "I call you guys the most out of anyone i call, I'm just so busy!!" "I will call you as soon as i have time!" "Whoops, I'm so sorry, i'm so busy I forgot to call you!"

Busy doing what? I pull from my ass, and they struggle to believe me. (Esp cause I lost my job in March- I wasnt fired i got benefits though). TOO BUSY WALKING MY NEIGHBORS DOG!!

Yet I have nothing to talk about except for the weather cause it's I have nothing going on! I'm just so boring!

I aspire to lie like your sister is able to. LOL!

it's hard to not go there when that uPD/ PD person in our lives is working every single nerve. there's no victory in going back and forth, and what seems like a win may be a bigger problem later. something the forum has helped me with is not being vengeful because at the end of the day, i'm letting my mother rent too much space in my head for being angry or thinking how to use those same tactics she uses on my back on her.  i have to keep myself out of that mindset to keep moving forward and growing/ healing from the abuse.  if i keep tabs and score, and try to get back, i'm keeping myself stuck in a place that isn't healthy.   i wasted a good portion of my 20s and early 30s from this place of seeking to get the gotcha. some of the articles on grey rocking have really helped me to not get drawn in or end conversations where in the past i was ready to be confrontational and engage.   https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/grey-rock-safe-detachment

our community here is great at one thing: sharing on how heal from this kind of damage inflicted by the uPD/ PD people in our lives. Many posts share about a challenge or a tough time and request some sort of feedback or encouragement.  part of the guidelines also states we're not here to advocate or brag about seeking revenge. We are here for you when you are ready post from that place of growth. 

[moglow]

I'll be honest, Healing - I've not been and don't plan to be available to help my mother move anywhere. I've not seen her in a few years due to her many performances during "good" times, and I can't see that improving with her in a time of need/dependence. I'd absolutely not be available, but damned if I'd make up some sad excuses either. That said, I've known *mother* to make up excuses for why someone else couldn't help her with this or that, while demanding that I take it all on as mine to do. Her latest push to several apparently has been that if I "were any kind of a daughter, I'd clean her house for her!" HA! I'll gladly coordinate a housekeeping service to go in and do a deep clean or whatever needs doing, but do it myself? Pay for it? NOPE!

Just holding space for you here while you breathe through it. The countdown continues!