uPD mom bought uPDw a house, ready for divorce

[takeadeepbreath]

This forum helped me immensely when 2 years ago I first became aware that my uPDw, other family members (and what seems to me, at least ⅓ of the entire world . . ) have a Personality Disorder. 

I'm going through with a Divorce soon - and I'm nervous about the backlash, how far her future smear campaign will go, her potential future attempts at 'hoarding' of the kids, (she treats them as objects, not people . .) her future possible attempts at framing me -  for  - who knows what.

Lets see if I can sum up where I / the family is at currently.     Her uPD mother bought my uPDw a house 2 months  ago in our town, to initiate this current separation - uPDw stays over there about 50% of the time now.  2 of the kids stay more with me, and the youngest stays more with her.   We have 3 kids -  ages 14, 6 and 8.  Being fully aware of my wife PD, for 2 years now, and being able to call her out on all her lies, manipulations, delusions - has caused some backlash - serious gaslighting, attempts at smear campaigns.  Even through that, I was willing to stay in the marriage.     But now with her uPD mother buying her that house behind my back, and me refusing to live in a house and have her uPD mother as a landlord and the inevitable triangulation they would attempt on me - its time to move on.  My uPD wife chose a shiny new house rather than the respectful wishes of her husband to not live in a house owned by her mom.

Maybe I'm looking for a basic do's and don'ts during this divorce process.  Actions that worked best, and what didn't work .  .

 What are some of the more helpful mindset / mindsets to maintain

 Should I get therapists for the kids, before?  this soon-to-be divorce process

Is it worth fighting for full-custody of the kids?   (which is what i would prefer) - I'm guessing this approach will initiate an all-out war    (do I settle for half-custody. . .)

What are the most helpful things to record and document   (I recorded her 2 days ago saying to two of our kids "lets go to the other house, daddy doesn't want you here"  - that does not represent anything close to what I said or how I feel at all of course .  .)

How much should  I care about toys  / art supplies / furniture - splitting 'fairly'

[Poison Ivy]

Talk to a lawyer. Someone in your specific location will be best equipped to answer questions about issues involving property division and child custody.

[SonofThunder]

Talk to a lawyer. Someone in your specific location will be best equipped to answer questions about issues involving property division and child custody.

+1.

A divorce lawyer has gone through this process so many times and can slow down the thoughts possibly swirling in your mind.

Many of the ideas you may ponder now are actually much farther into divorce proceedings, so my advice is to take the steps to a legal divorce, one day at a time.  Your PDw may try to purposefully make the entire process a whirlwind of confusion, but instead, like Poison Ivy said, take it day by day, with your lawyer laying down the path for you. 

Also, find time to breathe and do things for your own mental and physical health. You dont have to wait until a divorce is finalized to begin the good and necessary work on yourself. 

Helpful mindsets = the Toolbox tab above. Pitch your tent there, absorb and apply. 

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

With all the emotions/worries/concern/etc...., I found journaling very helpful.  It was a place to vent and then later revisit; it helped me understand my own priorities; therapy was helpful too - mainly because it gave me my own safe place to talk.