5 months out - ups and downs, lows and highs

[SeaBreeze]

5 months since I left stbx-uPNPDh of 25 years and moved to a different state. Thought I'd share an honest, transparent update.

I've mostly finished furnishing the new apartment from scratch, so I'm focused more now on settling in while establishing new routines.

After interviewing with several potential employers for a new job, I received and accepted an offer. Hired on my existing skillset, but in a new environment. I'm nervous but excited to take my career in a new direction.

This has left me with some downtime between jobs. Other than some pre-employment tasks, with the apartment furnished and no PD here to absorb my time and energy, I'm left without distraction. Had some days where the trauma bond kicks in with a sense of uncertainty and dread knotting my stomach. Other days I feel free and light as a feather. Some nights I can't sleep. Others I sleep very well. My skin looks better, my blood pressure is lower, but I'm still comfort eating with junk food. Some days I'm tired and unmotivated, others I'm bursting with ideas and energy.

I'm still in online counseling with stbx, but the sessions are now shorter and more spaced out than they were at first. We aren't officially divorcing at this time, but I've made it clear I'm not going back or living with him, either. I feel empowered that I left and am building this new life for myself, and people keep commending my strength... yet I feel weak, and like a fake, for not completely cutting the cord. I feel (and worry I sound) wishy washy in this respect, but trying to show myself some grace.

As I have recently advised others here on Out of the FOG, I'm continuing to focus forward a step, a day, a week at a time.

[SonofThunder]

Hi SeaBreeze!

So joyed to read your report of freedom and high mindfulness!  Well done and congratulations!

"Some days I'm tired and unmotivated, others I'm bursting with ideas and energy."
+1

Im still that way 12+ months in and imo, will take me a fairly long time after all the legal dust settles, to smooth out the energy levels, which are quickly zapped by the feelings of having purposefully abandoned a PD whose foundational trait is 'Fear of Abandonment'.

Doing so was a requirement for me to protect myself further, but the entire multi-decade relationship was designed to lock in the parasite/host type relationship, so I believe it will take a great deal of time until my hosting effects subside. 

There is a potential sunny-side to:

"..I've made it clear I'm not going back or living with him, either. I feel empowered that I left and am building this new life for myself, and people keep commending my strength... yet I feel weak, and like a fake, for not completely cutting the cord."

When you do move forward in legally cutting the cord, the emotional quake of your initial departure may have somewhat settled down over time.  What may have been an resulting major tsunami in your spouse, by moving out + divorce proceeding at the same time, may now end up being a much smaller emotional wave on your legal forward motion, because you separated the two events by time and physical distance. 

Best wishes for you going forward.

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Seabreeze - I hear ya; I feel the same way and it's been almost a year since the divorce.

Without my exPD sucking up my time/energy/emotional strength, I'm here with my own thoughts...and now I can live my own life.  Which is FANTASTIC but it does take effort and intention.

People have said the same to me - "oh, you're so strong", "I admire you" - but they don't see all the time I spend alone or when I'm having dinner number 6 by myself or the stress of trying to support a young adult child that acts much like his PD father - very hard, sad, anxiety provoking, and all the rest.

Don't misunderstand me, I want to be here.  I'm really proud of myself.

Living an authentic life can be a real challenge when for 20 years of my marriage I didn't. It is like using a muscle that was asleep for years - it takes baby steps.

Congrats on your move, new job, new apartment, and what is waiting for you