Wondering if it was all an act?

[bapp]

I apologize if this has been discussed, but I did try searching, and could not get any results. In a nutshell, my PD Mother, after a lifetime of neglect and abuse is now capable of empathy. And I do not understand what happened/is happening.

For context, she is in her 80s and I'm in my 50s. Growing up, she berated me, abused me physically, and just generally was the worst kind of alcoholic, BPD/Narcissist mother. No family outing was ever complete without it ending in tears from me.

In my 30s, I ended up joining the rest of my family in business, only to find out she (my Mom) was embezzling the company. After 15 years with them, I had enough, quit, and went NC for 5 years. Towards the end of covid, my parents reached out, and we reconciled.

Things have been a lot better because she's on her best behavior now. And it's all the time! So now I am wondering what happened? How does an abusive, neglectful Mom suddenly exhibit empathy, and kindness? In some ways I'm worried it's a pattern of 'light hoovering' but at the same time, my NC was so severe, that I believe she's worried I could pull it again if she misbehaves.

Am I wrong to think I taught her a lesson? I mean, do truly disordered individuals ever learn?

On one hand I'm so grateful to be back together, and have an improved relationship. But on the other, it's a little unbelievable, and I'm a bit concerned there's some sort of con job coming.

The most insidious part of all of it is now I'm wondering if all those years she spent belittling, berating, and punishing me, were just an act? Did she somehow finally grow up?

Does anyone have any input or advice to share?

[moglow]

Hey Bapp! I'd lean towards her seeing what you're capable of and she's at the least drawn it all back to prevent a recurrence. Consider also that *this* could be an act, proving that she can control it when she wants . And yes, it's possibly a setup or hoover for whatever she needs from you. Anything is possible honestly. I'd be grateful for small mercies and just enjoy what you have now, however she got there. 

Consider how long this best behavior has gone on and if she's been challenged in any way. Mine had a way of locating her inner good fairy right about the time she'd gone too far. So there's an awareness of sorts with her, she just didn't always use the restraint needed to exercise it. When life was too quiet/dull she'd stir up all manner of foolishness and spite, then play victim when called on it. Vicious nasty cycle all my life until I backed off and left her in it. 

The best predictor of future is past behavior, and most of us do what we know. Presumably the no contact helped and taught YOU, and that's the important thing. 

[Cat of the Canals]

If anything is an act, it's the good behavior.

My PDmom is capable of long stretches of good behavior. I've described her many times before as having a good understanding of the concept "you get more flies with honey." She will fawn and lovebomb to get what she wants, and she is usually quite pleasant if she indeed gets what she wants.

In some ways I'm worried it's a pattern of 'light hoovering' but at the same time, my NC was so severe, that I believe she's worried I could pull it again if she misbehaves.

These aren't mutually exclusive. If she's hoovering because she's afraid of another round of NC... that doesn't mean it isn't hoovering. And it doesn't mean it's going to continue uninterrupted.

With my own mother, I've done a lot to construct healthy boundaries for myself over the last few years, and I do think that's elicited some small changes in her behavior. She doesn't guilt trip as much, for example. But not because she's realized that behavior is wrong (she still does it to everyone else). I've simply stopped responding to it. And I do sense a little fear in her over the fact that she can't control me the way she thought she could.

So yeah, it keeps her on her toes. But has she changed? I doubt it. She still doesn't see any of her behavior as wrong or inappropriate. And she still doesn't see me as an individual. If I were to get lax in my boundaries, I think we'd end up right back where we were.

Can I ask how long you've been back in contact and how much contact? I have reduced contact quite a bit in the past 4 years -- I used to live 90 minutes from her and called her at least once a week. I have since moved 2000+ miles away and have winnowed the calls down to approximately once a month. So I am honest with myself that part of her so-called "improved behavior" is that she simply has less opportunity to behave badly. 

[Srcyu]

She used to be a bully. You did teach her a lesson. She now knows/understands what she has to do to keep you onside.
It is an act unfortunately. She is now using manipulation. She knew all along how to be a decent mother, it just didn't suit her purpose to do that, until now.

The "old her" will resurface at some point. So make sure to always hold something back in readiness for it.

[Hilltop]

I would assume the good behaviour is an act, especially as they age and need assistance, it seems they can turn on the charm and draw you in to be caretaker, they seem to see when your defences go down and then the games start again.

I see this over and over with my MIL and mother.  They can both be normal and have normal visits however with my MIL if I visit too often for her liking or she is stressed then she turns.  If my mother is called out she will go nice for a while until I relax and then the games start again.  With my MIL I noticed that she started  being particularly nice when they got to an age where she knew they needed more help (the rest of the family cut her off) but then spat at me one day when I didn't play my part, "I can't do this by myself".  That is the real truth there not the nice part.

I do find it interesting that they know how to play nice and they do seem to have some awareness of what they are doing. Whether they can't control it but then want others to just get over it as that's easier for them, to me it shows manipulation to play nice to get an outcome they want.  It is still for their benefit not yours.

Most of the time we do not teach them anything except which games no longer work and what new strategies to use to get what they want.