How is everyone?

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1foot, it sounds like you have both settled into your new lives as much as can be expected. While the ruined day is not great and frankly exhausting, I wonder if it's a testament to how well the new structure is going, that the kids can unconsciously assume things are actually improved in some way. Of course it's not, but the management may be going well.

Hopefully you'll be able to find respite care. You might check care.com and see if you can find someone there. 

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NRITH, I recall that your husband had been making noises about wanting to push a divorce through and expecting you to jump up and take care of it. I didn't realize he had now actually filed.

So, that's pretty significant news. And it sounds like it's hitting pretty hard. I'm sorry.

It's pretty scary stuff. How recently did this happen?

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Hey user (and NRITH), thanks so much for your empathy. I'm okay, really. The vision thing really sucks but I can handle it. It's the other stuff that is really hard, and of course the other stuff complicates the vision loss a lot.

[bat123]

It's so nice to see the updates!  I've also noticed it's been a little quiet here.  I've lurked on the forum for years, and posted here and there.  My situation hasn't changed much, but I like to think I have changed some.  30 years in with uNPD and the roller coaster never changes.  Crazy accusations, invasions of my privacy, near-daily character attacks and criticism, endless manipulation.  All with moments of normalcy, affection and companionship sprinkled throughout!  I've contemplated leaving for years, but feel paralyzed when I try to take action.  I'm making great progress in therapy, though, and I rarely take the bait these days.  But it still hurts.  I'm working on unpacking the wounds that led to my co-dependent tendencies.  Really trying to figure it all out.  I get exited about a possible life where I truly love and accept myself, and can find some freedom.  The support here is wonderful.  Very few people in the real world get it.  Carry on, everyone!

[losingmyself]

It's so good to be here and read of everyone's progress.  I wish I could offer some helpful thoughts but all I can offer is my sincere hope for all of you...us to get to a place of peace and fulfillment.  I am in my home, really enjoying the quiet and alone time. I come from a large family, so being alone in the house has always been a treat, and I guess I still feel that! My divorce is coming along, slowly. He keeps making ridiculous demands that I just say no to. Next Thursday is my court appointment for temporary possession of my home, and I had to reply to his just...stupid ...I don't know how else to put it.. papers. He tried out all his covert narc tricks... He's a victim, he doesn't know why I left... He only did this and that because I told him to. I enjoyed telling my side of the story, and today for the first time ever, I used the word abusive.  I don't know how he's going to react to that,and honestly,  it scares me a little. 
But I'm well. I have lost some weight, I love being outside, I have friends and I speak with my family more often, I spend more time with my kids, laughing and enjoying life, freely and unfiltered. I have a lot of work to do on myself, and learning how to make up to my kids for the damage I did to them. And myself. I  struggle to find forgiveness to myself for the hurt I caused them. But I will figure it out. It's going to be my focus for now, until I figure it out.
Yesterday,  I was considering what a man would have to do or be for me to ever fall in love again, and I couldn't find anything.  Right now, for as long as it takes, my heart is full, and working on my relationship with my kids is all I care about. 
Much love and respect to all of you!

[escapingman]

I have a lot of work to do on myself, and learning how to make up to my kids for the damage I did to them. And myself. I  struggle to find forgiveness to myself for the hurt I caused them. But I will figure it out. It's going to be my focus for now, until I figure it out

That is a hard one to work on, I have been stuck on this particular issue for a long time. But you have to let go, go easy on yourself, remember you were bang in the middle of the shared fantasy and lived in a virtual reality. If I would keep punishing me for my part in the roller coaster I would not be able to exist. I now what happened, I know the truth and now I leave it in the past and make sure I get healthy enough for never make it happen again.

You got this losingmyself, you are doing so well!

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Bat123, so goodto hear from you.

Sounds a lot like my position, where I've contemplated leaving for a long time and always felt paralyzed. And how the crazy is mixed with a dash of companionship. I may leave him yet and may divorce but in my case at least I will always be bound to him in some way - just spiritually at least. It would be like sawing off an arm or something, it's a piece of me.

I'm sure you have changed, and grown. Best wishes to you.

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Losingmyself, it's a good update. I have to tell you I envy so much the idea of living on my own, my own space, able to clean and order it myself, able to be myself in it rather than scheduling my day around avoiding H, and not being able to have people in this dump, and hiding my activities and interests to avoid criticism.

I like the idea that you could tell your story, from your point of view. With PD, so many of our experiences are twisted or rewritten or negated or otherwise overshadowed by the PD's story.

For many years I could not picture myself wanting another relationship, just wanted to be alone. But now I do wish I could share love with someone. It can't happen but it was surprising to me that I had that feeling. You may continue to want to stay alone or you may decide otherwise later, both are very good choices.

[Cascade]

It's been fairly peaceful lately. Still,  there's always something going on when you are married to a PD spouse. I sent my husband a thank you text the other day, and wished him a good day, and instead of just saying thank you, he made a big deal out of it, acting like I never send him texts like that, and commenting on the sad state of our marriage. And he's been pulling an old trick out of his bag, where he likes to make me jealous of other women. Then there's an odd behavior, where he says the sweetest things to me when he's half asleep, that he totally doesn't remember saying when he's awake. It would be nice to believe that he really does love me like he says when he's half asleep, but he sure doesn't act like it when he's awake.

[tommom]

So sorry, Notright, know how it feels. I too have been lurking and not posting.

I have waited too long, I think, as well. We recently hit the 50th anniversary, but my age (and my PDh's, too) are starting to be a little problematic. I came here to ask about something called catathrenia (hope I spelled that right). His newest thing, rare sleep disorder. He is making noises -while asleep - like he has Tourette's. I thought I had seen all the "bat crazy" behaviors but I'm here at 5:20 because I can't sleep in this noise chamber.

Been writing, though, and just finished my first book. Plan on self-pubishing it. My T says she thinks I am 'working out my feelings' through it. Guess that means I'll have a long writing career!!

Best wishes to all.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Hi Square!

I am sorry to hear about your vision loss. I can't imagine what that would be like.

I have a lot of feelings reading these posts. So much is relatable.
Regret over lost time or time misspent.
The grind of everyday life as a single parent post-divorce.
Longing for something different than what is or what was.
Hoping to somehow make things right for the kids, and that they will forgive me one day for it all. 

I am doing well. Things are difficult as a single mom of three teenagers. Some days are endless with all the work and responsibility. Financially, it is a struggle. Parenting is so, so hard sometimes. I mess things up. I second guess myself. I crumble a bit. I rebuild, and try to just love them through the tough patches. I go to a great therapist and I do the work and sometimes I love that and sometimes I really hate it. It doesn't often feel like it but, looking back, I make slow sure progress on all fronts. Life overall is rewarding and sweet and full of love even though circumstances are sometimes painful and some days, or weeks, seem torturous.

I had a long anticipated event happen recently that turned out to be one of the biggest anti-climaxes of my life.
I got papers a few months ago from my exPDh's lawyer requesting my signature for the dissolution of our marriage. It turns out that my ex never bothered to divorce his first wife and was discovered to be a bigamist. If I refused to sign, he could be criminally charged and I could potentially bring suit or charges as well. It was the kind of thing I spent years dreaming would happen!! I could get some sweet freaking revenge, publicly humiliate the man who abused me and get completely free of him forever at the same time!! 
And I didn't do it.
Because I just didn't care.
I have so much in my life that is important, and good, and a much better use of my resources (time, money, energy, thoughts, feelings) that I couldn't even be bothered to spread the the juicy story around, much less go to court or do a bunch of paperwork or engage with a bunch of people I care nothing about. So I signed the papers, sent them back, had a few hours of intense introspection and some wonderful deep belly laughs with my best girlfriends about it and left it in the dust in the rearview.
Realizing that I'd rather spend my time doing exactly what I am already doing was very gratifying.
I literally got every prayer and fantasy I ever used to have all rolled into one and handed to me. Along with a huge side of karmic/comic relief. And all I could really come up with was a bit of sadness for what could have been, a few genuine hearty laughs and then    Somewhere along the way since I left three years ago I got all wrapped up in a very busy and satisfying life and all of his stuff and anything to do with him just ceased to matter. I have three kids, two jobs, two volunteer positions, one church and a small F+FOC that support and sustain me. These things all bring problems and heartaches, but they are all so important and worthwhile. There just isn't any room in there for a bitter old @$$#*!% and his sad choices.
If someone told me three years ago that this is how it would all play out, well, I don't know what I would think of that!!

I found out this week that my mum is dying. She is 80. She has been unwell for a few weeks and during some routine scans to check her gastric issues it was discovered that she has cancer. Lots of cancer. Everywhere.
I don't know how much time we have left or what it might look like. So, not much to talk about, but life is definitely going to be changing. I haven't really processed it yet. My only sibling is mostly estranged from my mum and completely estranged from me for decades, so no help is anticipated, although potentially some drama. Sibling has had different mental health diagnoses over the years, including bi-polar disorder and BPD. It is possible I may be reading and posting in new parts of the forum if I am interacting with her.

I am loving reading everyone's updates and I am sending hugs and wishes for progress and peace. You are all so precious to me for what you have shared these past several years.

[Boat Babe]

Hi everyone. First of all huge hugs to everyone as they navigate all the many and various challenges in their lives. I am struck by everyone's courage and integrity. You people really rock!
Personally my external life is fine as I've always functioned at a competent level, continue to have good health (massive gratitude for that) and no problems with housing or income (small but regular and I live simply). My adult son checks in with me now and then as do I. He is well (again massive gratitude). I have lovely friends  and as much volunteer work as I want. Internally I still struggle with depression, insomnia and loneliness. I am noticing aspects of my character that I don't like and that have been problematic for me and others. This creates pain too. I worry about the state of the world, political and environmental and see little hope - this weighs very heavily. On the upside there are no PDs in my daily life and that's brilliant!
Love to you all.