DD is triggering flashbacks

[escapingman]

We recently moved into our new home, it feels fantastic as no more reminders about uNPDxw in the house. I have struggled a bit with being completely overwhelmed with the divorce and move completed, it's just like I ran out of all fuel and just want to sit down and do nothing. I have very little energy to put the house together, I am not sure it's a response to the long battle finally ended and my guard has dropped. I feel a huge relief and look so much forward to a peaceful and settled life.

However.....

DD is triggering me and I am struggling to control my flashbacks. uNPDxw is love bombing her at the moment and DD thinks that this now equates to not needing me as much. I have just seen a pattern that is repeating itself and I don't know how to stop it. DD does something that I don't like and try to talk to her about, this could be something really minor, but she has no respect for me and lashes out. For example last time this happened, she had a bath and when she was finished she used my towel and the threw it in the bath before the water was drained. When I found the towel I asked her to please stop using my towel, I have asked her this several times before, but instead of apologising and acknowledge she shouldn't have done it she started shouting at me to stop shouting at her and then locked herself into her room. This is also something I have asked her to not do and for her to leave the door unlocked at night time. She then started shouting at me for being selfish and only care about myself and to stop shouting. This thing to be told I am shouting when I am not is really triggering as that is what uNPDxw used to do. With DD being very unstable at the moment and is doing some self harm I started panicking that I could not get in to her room and got into full fledged fight mode. I had to leave her and calm myself down, but afterwards I am pretty sure she did self harm when locked in her room.

The morning after this happened she still claimed I had been mean, selfish and shouted at her (I didn't). She then took her rucksack and told me she was going to see a friend all day and left. 20 minutes later she messaged me and told me an even later time she was going to be home and then revealed she was seeing her mum. Almost exactly the same happened the time before, she engineered an argument, projected all things onto me then went to see a friend just to message me she was going to see her mum.

I am not sure where I am going with this, but I have not forbidden her to see her mum and I have told her she can see her whenever. But I am not sure what she is being fed from uNPDxw and if she thinks she need to put me in a bad book to feel fine to see her mum? This is really taking a toll on me, I am even starting to feel the projections are true and feel so backed in to a corner. She makes me feel exactly as I did in the middle of the storm.

Sorry if nothing makes sense, I am not really sure how to explain and put the sentences together.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry this is happening, escapingman. Your explanation is clear.
My family (spouse and children) would claim that I was shouting when I wasn't. They were interpreting correctly that I was upset, but didn't seem able to do anything with my being upset in the moment than to label it as "shouting." During these situations, they were also upset, but I felt they identified me as the aggressor by their response of claiming that I was shouting. It was hard to deal with.

[square]

I get the same. H has explicitly explained that no matter what he may do, if I'm upset about it, I'm the one who caused the problem. And my being upset could just be a subtle tone or a hesitation when answering a question or just anything that doesn't completely convince him I'm thrilled. It's hard because the strong message is that my feelings, no matter how mild or controlled, are not okay. No wonder I'm all bottled up.

EM, that sounds very hard. I would definitely have a hard time with that.

You should be able to say "hey, don't use my towel" and have her respond, and let's be realistic here, "ugh, FINE, WHATEVER" then flounce out and not use your towel anymore without WWIII.

Could she take it better over text?

My kid will NOT apologize nor will really acknowledge anything by agreeing to change her ways. But she may in fact make an effort to do better if I just say it neutrally and then just get out. That allows her the best opportunity to consider her own behavior rather than change the perpetrator to me, if I engage. Sure, it would be ideal if she said "sorry, I won't do it again," but better she stew a bit and grudgingly try harder with zero acknowledgment than successfully change the story to how awful I am.

I do understand that much of this may not be remotely about the conflict or how you handle the conflict, but engineered to see her mother. Her mother has it set up so it's about choosing sides. She cannot love both mum and dad, she must hate one and love the other. If she wants to see mum or feels pressured to do so, she must hate dad. She's an insightful kid, could be something to discuss, that she doesn't need to be mad at you to see her mum.

But you've mentioned she cannot tolerate discipline even beyond the whole seeing mum thing. It sounds hard, you should be able to politely inform her when her actions negatively affect you without such a huge price being exacted. This stuff is so hard.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies.

Very interesting report back from DD following her visit to uNPDxw but not surprising at all. She had the visit planned for 2 days but instead of telling me she engineered this fallout that really was only a projected fallout from her side. I think I should be able to deescalate this happening again by trying to make sure she knows to be open to me and that I am not opposing her to see her mum, whatever she is being told.

Anyway, she spent the entire day at her mums with her sister and grandmother. As I already expected, the more rope I give the closer to uNPDxw hanging herself. So, with this rope DD reported back that this peaceful friendly household (as the social worker told the court) was not so peaceful after all. DD2 was shouting at uNPDxw, uNPDxw was shouting har uPDxmil anduPDxmil was shouting at both DD2 and uNPDxw.

I need to give them more rope.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I often used what square noted - the polite, reasonable request then walk out. 

Keep projecting the calm, confident parent. 

I'm very impressed with all the progress you have made

[escapingman]

PFNW, thanks for your kind words but it really doesn't feel like I am doing that great. I still have some bad coping mechanisms, being terrible with procrastination at the moment and getting triggered to easy right now. I wonder if it because I thought everything would just be fine as soon as I had moved in to the new house and dropped all defence mechanisms.

I have also focused so much on DD and her wellbeing and neglected my own, I need to fill my cup first before I can focus to much on her. It's no good spending all time and effort to make sure she is OK and then get triggered and not being able to be there for her. I could really do with some help with her, I don't talk about professional help as that's a different thing, but someone to look after DD at times and to have some adult role models. But it's so difficult, everyone are living busy life's and I just hate asking for help.

I have planned to go away a few weekends during the autumn to see friends and watch some sport, DD said she doesn't want to come which makes it difficult. When I told her I try to find someone to look after her she suggested she can stay at uNPDxw. I am not sure what to think about that, it's inevitable that it will happen at some point if that is what DD wants. I don't think it will be dangerous, at least not in the beginning, but as soon as the mask will slip again DD will remember and she can stop seeing her again. But if she stays with uNPDxw we will need to have a backup and safety plan in place. My worry is that if DD behaves in any way close to how she behaves at home with me that will not go down well with uNPDxw. DD has become very independent and have grown up immensely since the separation, but she also throws her tantrums and if she tries to project any feelings onto uNPDxw I think all hell will break lose. But, I have to leave it to DD to manage her own relationship with her mum, I can't manage it for her and I have done all I can to get her into the safe place she is in now.