"So, What's Next?"

[BTownLC]

I also posted this in the "PD Siblings Forum"

Below is my posting from the Welcome Mat (to learn about my situation).  https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=94023.msg801961#msg801961

It received one reply that encouraged me to look at the Out of the FOG Toolbox, so I did.  It turns out that I had actually been using many of the tools listed in the "What TO Do" section of the Toolbox.  I fit in better with my wife's family that my family of origin, so we spend more time with them.  I feel somewhat like an outsider with my family because of their dysfunction.

My dad is a rescuer/hero.  After community college, I transferred 300 miles and was able to develop as an adult outside of his influence for five years.  I moved back when I married a girl from my hometown, who was a tenured elementary school teacher who owned her own home.  I mention this because my sisters never pursued careers despite graduating from the same university as my wife.

We've been married 23 years, during which she has made many observations about my family, and fully supported my decision to seek therapy.

My therapist and my wife came to many of the same conclusions. I refer to my family's "weirdness".  My therapist put a name to it: codependency. And it makes sense.

We ended last week's session on the question, "So, what's next?"

I wasn't sure how to answer at that moment.

Detachment has just sort of "happened" over time, as my sisters have been dependent on my parents.  My sisters and my dad rarely call me, usually when they want me to do something that they could easily do for themselves.  Even when my mom was alive, I had to make of the "check-in" phone calls.  Their house - originally purchased for my younger sister - is 6 miles from mine, a 12 minute drive from their only grandsons.  Their house is across the street from my younger sister's newer house.

So, not that I have identified and accept the situation, what is next?

[bloomie]

BTownLC - Hi and welcome. I read your Welcome Mat Post for more background. It seems like you have made a beautiful life for yourself and impressive progress in determining the realities of your family system paradigm. Bravo! 

So, not that I have identified and accept the situation, what is next?

May I ask a few clarifying questions?

What do you want this new season to look like?
If you want to stay in contact, can you stay detached from the lack of reasonable reciprocity and interest in your life and family by your father and siblings?
How much contact, if you want it, is healthy or manageable for you and your family?
Have the 'blues' lifted or do you still find yourself facing that each month?

There is an essential injustice when we grow up in a family system that does not even pretend to treat individuals as equally valuable. My FOO. If confronted with the lack of interest and efforts toward myself and my children it was met with rage and demeaning of me - but, underlying it all was a 'so what' kind of attitude. An arrogance that insisted I quietly accept blatant favoritism and preference toward my siblings and their children. That I sit by and allow my kids to view and be hurt by the out in the open preference toward other family members. And that I agree with them that this was great "family love".

Kinda proud I was never so beaten down that I agreed. I never did! But, my sibs sure did. A lot of wounding from this overt kind of family system, but at least one could point to obvious disordered stuff.

There is also an essential injustice when we grow up in a family that makes a HUGE show of equality when in reality their is favoritism, disinterest and emotional abandonment that is covert and financial inequity that is sneaky and hidden. My DH's FOO. When confronted there is outrage and histrionics and an insistence that we agree with them that, once again, this is great "family love".

The damaging bit about this family system is my DH did buy in to this being great love for a very long time. Lots of wounding from this covert type of system that has taken years to come to grips with.

Learning about enmeshment, co dependency, and how to continue to grow and free myself from any need for approval, interest, caring from either my own FOO or my in law family has been an important work for me.

The work of Dr. Jerry Wise has been very helpful to in looking at family systems and how to navigate unhealthy and unjust, enmeshed systems as an adult. Here is a link to Dr. Wise's Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@jerrywise

Taking stock of my resources - time, energy, emotions, finances and choosing how much I wanted to offer a family relationship where there was little to no reciprocity was also part of my recovery work - and is something I work with ongoing.

When I began to step back and match the level of interest from certain family members and in my case, long time friends, some didn't even notice it. There seems to have never been interest there and I realized I had been having one sided relationship for a long time. 

Others, were shocked, outraged, and angry or deeply hurt that I could step away or say no, or limit and turn my energies toward more enriching, mutual relationships.

You are at a good point in this journey because the trajectory for you is up! Away from the blues and the pain of going toward people who are not available to welcome and love you and your beautiful kids and family. Away from the emotional drag this is on you and to a place of steadfast acceptance of what you cannot change.

What's really cool about that place is now... you get to choose, change your mind, not pick up the phone, give what you have and let it be enough, see the folly in parents like ours who can't celebrate each of their family members and refuse to repeat it, and so much more.

I am glad you are here!!!

[Poison Ivy]

bloomie, I much appreciate your post. It is very thoughtful and useful.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

It is a great question, "What is next"?
 
It can be an awesome and startling place to be on the edge of something new. I believe that answer is up to you. You get to chart the course.

What Bloomie said so eloquently I totally agree with and will be taking that response into consideration too.

You stated you have clarity on the situation and acceptance. I think along with that, you perhaps know more of what you don't want, and hopefully also what you do want. As you continue to gain new insights, you may feel more expanse and breathing room. For my perspective, I think a good path forward is holding a tight vision of what you do want and integrating with that.

What has also been helpful to me is understanding how to live my boundaries. I realized growing up in my FOO as the scapegoat, I did not have boundaries. I did whatever I could to make others happy, even as my own wellbeing suffered. As long as they were all good, then I figured I could deal with whatever impacts it had on me. My parents are in their 80's. It was difficult to instill boundaries, but necessary. The way forward for me was something about making my own wellbeing my priority without guilt.

That is just my own perspective, and you can take whatever pieces of it make sense to you. I believe this is a very educational and supportive forum. You will likely get valuable and wise insights from fellow travelers on a similar road.