The N's 'friends'

[mallorysea]

I have been reading here for many years and have just now summoned the courage to speak out by bringing an issue to you dear, deep people. You have no idea how much strength I have gotten from your shared experiences. Thank you SO MUCH. My UPDH is, I think, a 'nice' narcissist, and has a side vocation in a 'people profession'. He is quite the teddy bear out in the world...not so much at home. This occupation is not his formal career, just something he does sporadically and in a volunteer capacity. When he is in this role, I am often exposed to triangles where women, married and unmarried, who I do not know are able to treat me dismissively or flat-out rudely while en route to speak to my husband. He does not correct or avoid these types, just says they are 'broken' people like the rest of us. This wouldn't be such a big deal, but many have wound up in our home, or I am expected to accomodate them.

I have been implementing a great deal of MC for several months and really staying out of his stuff. It has been great. My physical digestive symptoms are abating and I am able to finally sleep without acid reflux for the first time in years. There is definitely a toll on the body with these relationships, and I am finally getting some relief. I had actually started making my own life goals again, after revolving so much of my energy around him. But it's two steps forward and three steps back sometimes. We really had a row last night. The word salad flew all around the room, and he is now not speaking to me after he feels so 'devalued.' I'm embarrassed to have been so triggered.

Here is the presenting situation: A woman called here who has been helped by my H in the past. She is also someone he knew in high school. She left a message where my voice and name are clearly on the voice mail, but only addressed my him. She couldn't even say 'hi' to me. Not a problem normally, but she asked him if he would like to have dinner, since he had been around for so many bad times and now she would like to hang out and have fun and keep it light. She did not invite me. To add to the mix, her husband had called a year back seeming quite distressed. Again, I would like to emphasize this is not some sort of formal professional situation where a spouse would be out of place, in fact, it is the direct opposite. Sorry I can't reveal more.

H listened to the message and said that he was concerned as well as to its appropriateness.  However, after waiting a few days, he did call her and is currently i arranging a time to get together. She has suddenly included me in the invite, but I think that only happened because he mentioned that we would both come. Of course, I am absolutely thrilled to attend yet another event where a woman tries her best to balance ignoring me with being bare minimum polite. I am torn, because I am thankful that my H handled this partly, but feel that the meeting shouldn't even happen at all. Why couldn't she just call and ask for us to meet her and her husband and give some sort of clue what the great news was? Isn't that what   I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone most of the time at this point with my H and his 'friends'.

I want to emphasize here that this is not about jealousy. I think my H married a dang good woman, and if there is any proof of something beyond respectable, I will move on and survive. I also have had male friends and don't automatically freak if a man has a female friend. It's about how he seems to love collecting a circle of people who flat out give me the creeps, people who passively aggressively denigrate what I'm wearing, or my work, just to name a couple of examples, while fawning on him. He then exalts them over me by telling me that we all have our faults and I should just essentially be patient and understanding. He seems to attract people who don't want to say what they want until they meet with you in person and then they hog the conversation with their repeated over and over drama. He accuses me of being a recluse and not liking people, but it didn't used to be this way. And in fact, when I do get out, I am amazed at how great a conversation I can have with the checker at the supermarket, or the secretary at the doctor's office. There are really good people out there...just not the ones he chooses.

I guess, rereading what I've written so far, I really just needed to vent. I do plan on staying in this marriage if I can--we have so much history together and it's not all bad. I'm just wondering if any of you have been pitted against sometimes the most random people, and how you have handled it. In all my past before I met him, I had never dealt with such surreal interactions as I have in this relationship. Thank you again! 

[bloomie]

Hi there and welcome. I am glad you have officially joined the community and yet so sorry for this uncomfortable trend in your marriage.

The interactions you describe sound very disconcerting and demeaning. And in the case of this most recent woman, downright inappropriate to invite a married man to dinner for lighthearted fun and ignore his wife.

I am wondering, you say your H is in a side vocation that is people oriented... something central to that kind of vocation is careful boundaries and practices to avoid any hint of impropriety or misunderstanding as a protection for everyone involved, most importantly you as your H's first priority.

At the very least, I would think it would be most important to find agreement about what does and does not work to maintain the trust and peace of mind for both you and your H within your marriage as it relates to how his handling of his vocation is impacting your marriage.

Is there someone who offers the same type of vocational services that has established boundaries and practices you both could get some insights from? Would it be helpful to talk this through with a trusted older couple and get some advice and help with this?

Your last sentence: "I'm just wondering if any of you have been pitted against sometimes the most random people, and how you have handled it"

Do you sense this is something more than just poor boundaries, but intentional pitting you against these other women?

[mallorysea]

Thank you so much for your kind feedback, Bloomie. What really hits me after letting my post sit and reading it back is that there are no boundaries. H is a 'fair weather' type who metaphorically is everyone's best friend even if he doesn't know their name. He has no boundaries and he attracts those with no boundaries. Your advice is excellent, and I have expressed many of the same things over the years. In fact, we used to have an older guiding couple in our lives. When I decided I was 'opting out', he promptly went to them to express his 'concern'. I am fairly sure that the concern meant simply that he just doesn't know what has come over me, i.e. the same old saw/implication that I'm 'crazy'. It had nothing to do with any of the tangible realities and problems.  I don't think they believe him, because there has been no follow up with either one of us. He told me he went to them behind my back, and I couldn't believe how brazenly he admitted to attempting a smear campaign, almost bragging.

I keep falling for the illusion that he actually cares about the people he serves. Slowly, I am reaching the bedrock and realizing that he likes to look good, but that is very different from being good.

I still love him very much...I think. I don't think he is having an affair. I really don't see him as the 'unfaithful' type, partially because he wants to be home so much of the time, and also because he is so deeply invested in his 'good guy' image. I don't want to give up the life we have spent decades building. Marriage is so complicated with someone with a PD. Sometimes, things are alright bordering on pretty good. Sometimes I feel like we have a pretty good future, and sometimes I don't think I can stand it another minute. I've been single for long periods of my life and, speaking only for myself, I find that there is no panacea, no instant escape. Single-hood just brings its own anxieties and problems.

I realize that it's not really the people he associates with that are the issue, it's the double standards, the lie we live, that have so affected my health. Yes, these women--and men--can be inconsiderate, rude, and insulting. And being human, I am absolutely sure that I can be, as well. But they are excused and often forgiven without their issues even being brought up, because he is such a gentle, tolerant soul...(gag).    Meanwhile, you can cut the sullenness with a knife for days around here if I say something he doesn't like. It will get stored in his memory bank for years to come. There is almost always an external excuse for everyone else, for me, a long discussion about my moral failures. The people who call here or visit and share their struggles and emotions have no idea how much of his hostility drapes this house like a dirty blanket the second they say good-bye. He's there for everyone in their time of need. But when I have been up in the middle of the night, grieving some serious family losses, I handle it alone. He even tells me that I need to toughen up, that the standards are different for his wife. But shouldn't being his wife also have the benefits of support and compassion?

I am a middle-aged woman, with many sprigs of mental illness and addiction on the family tree. Sometimes, I feel like my sole purpose in life has been to battle codependency. I thought I had licked it when I moved on from a former marriage to an alcoholic, and after many years of achievement and personal fulfillment, found a stable guy who wanted to do good in the world. I don't believe I can leave at this time, but I am applying the tools. Staying clear of as much of his crazy-making stuff as possible has been a game-changer...at least most of the time.

I don't know how wild this sounds, but after many years of careful thought, I believe he is on some sort of N quest for holiness. He brings people into our intimate space that are blatant opportunists in emotional and physical ways. When I get reactive about this, he uses this as a way to pounce, to lecture me and become not only 'better' than me, but make me out to be very, very bad. He is a victim that is 'just doing good things', victimized by his cold, angry wife.

Ironically, I encouraged this kind of work during the honeymoon phase of our early marriage. I not only encouraged it, I worked at his side for many years. One could even argue that sometimes I worked harder than he did--and it was all in the background. It was never ever enough. What a relief it has been to finally walk away.

I am not exaggerating when I say that this is the first time I have shared this with anyone. My friends don't know, and my family is so dysfunctional that turning to them would be like mental suicide. You are a blessing, each and every one of you.   

[Leonor]

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I can't speak to your situation.  For me, after leaving the marriage, I can see all the relationships he brought in and out of our lives had to deal with his needing supply.

I do recommend that you develop your own friendships - just yours - so that you explore what you enjoy as an individual.  It will only help you and even your marriage.

[Mary]

When eating out as a couple with the person, do your best to bring along someone else that you can talk with while he is "counseling". Or position yourself in the restaurant to watch TV while they talk. Or bring along work, spend time on your phone, etc. Just be boring to the person, and not quick to agree with any devaluing going on. Raise your eyebrows, and order desert.