Memories - seeing the manipulation

[StartingHealing]

Greetings to all the brave souls here.

Needing some place where I can put the ramblings of a reorganizing being.  Perhaps this will be of benefit to others that are going through the same space.  I've been NC for over 1 year now.

what I have been noticing of late is that as my being is decompressing (still), memories come forward and I can now see where I was bullied, made fun of (not in a good way) manipulated, gaslighted, etc.  Out of the common list of behaviors, the exwBPD got 98 out of the 100. She may have all of them but I haven't revisited the list in quite some time.

I feel that this is happening because of the aforementioned reorganizing of self that I find myself in the midst of.

I have so much compassion for the who that I was back when all this shite was happening. I also have decided that my time with the exwBPD is akin to a course in abnormal psychology. That 25 year internship is nothing that I want to ever experience again. 

I have also freshly realized that it's not my responsibility for what others go through in their lives. As long as my behavior is honest, ethical, polite and cordial, not my monkey, not my circus. 

Perhaps, just perhaps, this marks a turning point in my recovery.  I would like to think so.

Wishing all here, all the best.

[notrightinthehead]

For me too, about a year after I finally left and went NC, I woke up in the middle of the night, filled with rage about all the abuse I allowed NPDh to get away with. Rage about how small and meek I hade made myself, rage about all the lies I had believed. Rage about everything I had not said, rage about all these years I had tried to get water out of a stone.

It took months to let these uncomfortable feelings wash through me. I understood it such, I had been suppressing these feelings for so long and now, finally, I was safe enough to let them come out. Eventually they faded. Then the sadness hit me.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

YES to all of the above.

I also felt a lot of anger towards myself that I stayed in the fog with the price being my own life.

Like you, it took awhile but it's gone now, I have more compassion towards myself.  And, I am focusing on the present and what kind of life I want now.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It's been over 4 years for me, and I hope to someday get to the place you mention, Starting Healing.  Having compassion for the self that put up with, excused, minimized and rationalized intolerable behavior.  I'm still coming out of the decades-long denial of the truth of how bad things were.

I have anger, sometimes rage, towards people who bully, use, scapegoat & abuse others, I don't act on it, but it comes up often.

I suppose I could say I have anger, but it takes the form of shame, disgust, disappointment in myself after having had so many opportunities through the years to wake up and smell the coffee ... Alanon, therapy, etc.  I don't feel that way at all about others who have this struggle.  But I haven't yet been able to find compassion or forgiveness for myself.  On other things, yes.  But not this - not yet.  It's painful.

[tjtrying]

True words and a place I look forward to. Wishing you well on your healing journey

[StartingHealing]

Lookin 2 B Free : I used to look back at my past with the knowledge (hard won at times) I currently have instead of realizing that doing that was totally unfair to my past self, the past aspect of me. In my head, when I view my past self in the coulda, shoulda, woulda mind set that tells me that the little green bastards (which are a jacked up conglomerations of what OTHERS have told / shown me on how I should live my life that I haven't been able to evict out of my head yet. ) are getting active again.  When I allow them to become active, I suffer.  I've already been through hell. Why do I want to revisit that? 

notrightinthehead: I still have 'instances' of sadness. I'm still grieving. Even though I've accepted that what I was in love with was a fiction of my own creation.

To all:  My thanks for your words. I do appreciate it.