Older kid is in college, younger kid is 16. Better to stay until both are out?

[IsleOfSong]

I have been contemplating leaving my uPDW for many years now, and now that our youngest (our son, age 16) is a junior in high school, I've had two people (one being my mother) tell me that, at this point, I should probably wait until he's off to college before doing something so drastic as divorcing his mother. I realize that there's no one-size-fits-all answer to this, but what do you all think? I trust the peanut gallery here for good insights, so I'm open to hearing any input.

As a bit more background, our son has frequently been the scapegoat child in his mom's eyes (while our daughter, who's off at college, tends to get more of a pass from her on things). As a result, he often comes to me first with questions or issues, and he can get hyper-defensive (particularly with her) over the smallest of things. As for me, staying for two more years of my life in a marriage that's far from happy is a tall order, but it could be done if it means less upheaval for our son as he hunkers down with school and eventually college applications — and I'm there to snuff out any discord between mother and son. At the same time, the flare-ups between him and his mother are quite frequent, and I'm sick of either refereeing their squabbles or flat-out confronting my wife on her harsh treatment of him, which at its worst can include the silent treatment and guilt-induced shame over trivial matters. Maybe a split sooner — especially now that he's more mature vs. when he was a little kid — could be beneficial for his focus as he prepares for his future.

Does anyone here regret leaving their PD spouse while the kids were still at home? Has anyone seen their school-age kids' quality of life actually improve once a split from a PD spouse has happened?

[notrightinthehead]

I asked my kids how they would feel if their parents would split. My younger daughter said, she would be glad if we did. She encouraged me.
Your son is 16. He has an opinion, and he might even be glad if his parents no longer are together, causing tension at home. He might even want to live with you. At his age, his wishes might be considered.
On the other side, if he reacts shocked and tells you this would affect him badly, you have further information for your decision.
Good luck!

[escapingman]

My DD who was the scapegoat is a different child one year out of me splitting up with uNPDxw and her living with me. Lots of health issues cleared up and her getting better results in school.

Yes there are still issues but I say staying any more seconds in a relationship with a PD is always a bad option.

[IsleOfSong]

I asked my kids how they would feel if their parents would split. My younger daughter said, she would be glad if we did. She encouraged me.
Your son is 16. He has an opinion, and he might even be glad if his parents no longer are together, causing tension at home. He might even want to live with you. At his age, his wishes might be considered.
On the other side, if he reacts shocked and tells you this would affect him badly, you have further information for your decision.
Good luck!

This is an interesting idea. At a particularly low point in 2021, when he told me that he sometimes thinks about running away, I confided in him that I think about doing the same (as in, run away from the marriage, not him). He seemed shocked but didn't fall into a heap and cry "No, Dad, don't!" or anything like that. I've never asked him point blank what he would think about a split between his parents.

My DD who was the scapegoat is a different child one year out of me splitting up with uNPDxw and her living with me. Lots of health issues cleared up and her getting better results in school.

Yes there are still issues but I say staying any more seconds in a relationship with a PD is always a bad option.

EM, I have followed your story here for a while and am still very inspired by how you broke free and your tales from the "other side." From what I can surmise though, your ex was far more egregiously abusive than my wife has been, which muddies the waters a bit for me. You know, "she's not ALL bad" and those kinds of thoughts have kept me where I am. But regardless of the degree of the PD behavior, you make a good point that time away from any PD behavior is time well spent.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I thought the same thing - I wanted to stay until my son graduated from high school, then I just couldn't take another day and initiated the divorce prior to his senior year.

Couple of thoughts -
1. I don't think when it involves children there is ever a good time.
2. Divorcing prior to a child possibly starting college, I think, is a really tough time.  Again, there isn't a perfect time.
3.  Any time spent in a dysfunctional family impacts the child
4.  My time reading information here I can say that I have NEVER read that someone wishes they waited; it is often, why didn't I do this sooner?
5.  I'm glad my son stopped seeing me take his father's abuse

Good Luck - you'll find your way and in your own time

[Poison Ivy]

My then-husband essentially moved out (to be his parents' full-time caregiver) the day after we took our younger child to college. But I didn't file for divorce until after both children had graduated from college. I could have done so sooner; one reason I didn't is that I didn't trust my then-husband to file taxes and do other things that would have been necessary for our children's financial aid applications. (Both children ended up receiving a lot of need-based aid because my then-husband was unemployed and underemployed for so many years, and it took me a while to build my career back and increase my income.)

[square]

I've been curious about how my kid would take it, but willnot be asking her. I do not wish for her to think she was responsible in any way. If she says she was okay with it or wanted it, would she feel like she caused it? Or if she didn't fight it hard enough? Or on the flip side, would she feel like she caused us to stay together? Even if parents stay "for the children," that's not the same as "the children decided" (or felt like they did, or felt like they had a say).

I think she would have complicated feelings if I left, some would be relief and some would be anxiety and sadness.

[IsleOfSong]

I've been curious about how my kid would take it, but willnot be asking her. I do not wish for her to think she was responsible in any way. If she says she was okay with it or wanted it, would she feel like she caused it? Or if she didn't fight it hard enough? Or on the flip side, would she feel like she caused us to stay together? Even if parents stay "for the children," that's not the same as "the children decided" (or felt like they did, or felt like they had a say).

This has been my exact concern about asking my son. If he says some variation of "I'd be OK with you guys splitting up" and then we do, and then the natural pain that comes with a split materializes, will he blame himself? When his mother is crying and making herself out to be a victim, will he think "This is because of what I said to Dad"? That would be a heavy thing — but maybe I can make it clear that it would ultimately be my decision ultimately, and reiterate that neither he nor his sister are responsible for my actions.

That's an interesting thought about a kid potentially blaming him/herself for the parents staying together. I've heard that some kids whose parents divorce after they've left home can actually resent it, because they feel like their childhood of "togetherness" was all a charade. So many ways to lose here! 

[moglow]

Couple of thoughts -
1. I don't think when it involves children there is ever a good time.
2. Divorcing prior to a child possibly starting college, I think, is a really tough time.  Again, there isn't a perfect time.
3.  Any time spent in a dysfunctional family impacts the child
4.  My time reading information here I can say that I have NEVER read that someone wishes they waited; it is often, why didn't I do this sooner?
5.  I'm glad my son stopped seeing me take his father's abuse

I have to agree with this list, particularly with #1. But know that even without children there's rarely a "good" time. So many other issues can come into play, such as medical or financial considerations, elder care needs or even employment/lack thereof.

The fact remains, regardless of what "others" might say, ultimately that decision is between you and your spouse since it's your marriage. Yes, it concerns your family, but the divorce itself isn't for or because of your children and that would need to be made clear to them. You're not leaving or divorcing them, period, whatever your spouse might say to the contrary. [My mother did that for many years after their divorce - she blatantly accused Daddy of leaving "us" as if we were part of her unit and it was somehow our responsibility.]

[Poison Ivy]

Kind of reiterating what moglow wrote: I recommend not having any kind of conversation with your children that could be construed by your children as you asking the children whether they think you should get divorced or asking them for approval of your decision to get a divorce.

[IsleOfSong]

Yeah, it might be too fine a point to ask him while not making him feel like he's having a say in any decision that's going to be made. On the other hand, if we're both on the same page...

[Boat Babe]

Hi. Unless there is some major overriding factor I am always of the opinion that separation from abusive partners is good for the non abusive partner AND the children. I have worked in the domestic abuse field, specifically with the children and no child ever said they missed the drama, violence, tension, fear and general mindfuckery that goes on with a PD in the home. I have moaned about my uBPDmum for years here but I am eternally grateful that she left my explosively violent father when she did. I suffered isolation, poverty and her mental health issues for the remainder of my childhood but it was still better than watching her get brutalised.

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks to all for replying to this thread. I've resolved:

A) not to ask my son how he'd feel if his parents split up — the likelihood of that question making him feel even a little bit responsible for a split down the road is just too much for my comfort. If we split, he'll deal, just like all of his high-performing friends whose parents happen to be divorced from one another.

B) ending the marriage relatively soon vs. when he's off at a college/university in two years won't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. He's a good, responsible kid, and I hope my good, close (and non-crazymaking) relationship with him will help him navigate any difficult adjustments.

[square]

Those are two very solid conclusions there, sir.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Pepin]

Junior year undoubtedly can be the most difficult and senior year is in 2nd place.  If you think that he won't be affected and can get through a divorce, then proceed.

My caution though is the other family members around your wife.  Are they healthy and will they possibly be part of your son's life more than they are now?  Many stay married until the youngest reaches the age of 18 for this very reason so that other family members are denied access to a child that is no longer a minor.  It is a sad reality...

[IsleOfSong]

My caution though is the other family members around your wife.  Are they healthy and will they possibly be part of your son's life more than they are now?  Many stay married until the youngest reaches the age of 18 for this very reason so that other family members are denied access to a child that is no longer a minor.  It is a sad reality...

Thankfully, this is not an issue for us. He's got good relationships with my wife's parents, and he isn't very close with anyone else on that side of the family.

[MountainMan21]

I struggle with this as well.  My son is younger, so I would be waiting much longer.  I often wonder if he would be OK if we were divorced and I am just staying because I am afraid of not being able to see him all the time.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I do not have experience with divorce, but I do have experience with being a child treated the way your wife treats your son. Just flip the sexes in my case, it was my father who did the constant shaming and berating me over the smallest of things, and I felt hypervigilant to avoid the abuse and when it inevitably happened anyway, I had to fight back just for any semblance of self-esteem. I begged my mother to divorce him.

[IsleOfSong]

I struggle with this as well.  My son is younger, so I would be waiting much longer.  I often wonder if he would be OK if we were divorced and I am just staying because I am afraid of not being able to see him all the time.

I was in your shoes for many years. And I'm still there.   The thought of leaving your child alone with an abusive parent is enough to keep so many of us right where we are. Just keep being the solid, steady parent for your son and it will likely pay off big time. Hang in there.