Sometimes I feel bad for the PD person and their anxiety or fear

[Jsinjin]

I've been around a while and no longer post play by play for my own mental health. 

I've spoken about this OCPD behavior before and others have agreed it's a common trait in OCPD individuals. 

When my uOCPDw comes home from being away she treats the house like a crime scene and begins a walk through investigation of all things.   Drawers, going through the trash, what laundry was done, what was vacuumed, what things were decluttered and many other details even my things like my office books or vacuuming in there.

She was gone for a week and I was working when she returned.  One thing about these interrogations is that if people don't respond to her yells of "who put the sheets away" or "why is there a new toilet brush" then she gets angry often with violent outbursts.

I call it "the search warrant" because it reminds me of the movies of the police force showing up at a suspects home with a warrant to search through everything.

I've told her and have not been passive aggressive that I will answer a few normal questions but I will not be bullied or treated badly about things that are rational, do not hurt peoples property or objects and are normal with regard to home cleaning or maintenance.   If she continues on a rant with anger about something that is easy to understand and does not hurt I will state that and if she gets angry I will leave and go to my cottage.

It happened this weekend after she was gone away for a week.   She lost it completely about a new toilet brush, a disposal of some rags used to clean my chainsaw, and many other things.   She got angry when I finally said I was not participating and began to get violent with dishes in the dishwasher "the wrong way" and I told her I was leaving for the cottage and I went to my place.

After things calmed down the next I asked why she does that.

She was sobbing and said that when she is out of town all she worries about is that someone else (me) is messing with her stuff and she feels out of control and that feeling causes anxiety up to nausea and shaking.   

That's why I feel sorry for her.  She can go out of town for a week with our son, have some fun getting him into his college apartment and her days and nights are wracked with fear and anxiety about someone putting away water bottles "wrong" or "not using the right amount of laundry detergent" or "inefficiently using the dishwasher" or "buying and using a new toilet brush without her approval".

I truly can't imagine living like that but now I sure can see where it comes from.

[square]

Yeah, that does sound very painful.

[SonofThunder]

Yeah, that does sound very painful.

+1

My hat tips to you Jsinjin, on the follow through of departure to your cabin.

SoT

[BeautifulCrazy]

Ou, the interrogations! I am so glad to be away from those!
Who left this spoon on the counter? Why is this cardboard box here? Where did this flower come from? Did you set the dryer to low heat?
Sounds normal enough. Seems like just a small detail. The interaction should be over with a simple, short reply.
But it isn't with OCPD. It is actually a DEFCON 2 situation that could take days (or longer. maybe never.) to resolve using various interrogatory techniques including sleep deprivation, and verbal or physical violence.

I used to feel sorry for my OCPDh for these same things. The worrying, the control issues, the obvious distress it caused him. But only up to a point.

Somewhere along the way I realized that he was a full grown man who could (And SHOULD!) choose better behavior. For himself, and for the important people in his life.

It may be different in your case, but my OCPDh was perfectly able to behave in most situations and with most people. The abuse (and it IS abuse!) mostly happened at home with me and the kids. Many of the people who "knew" my OCPDh NEVER saw, and could not have imagined, him acting the way he regularly did at home. So I knew the terrible behaviors were a choice.
If the way my husband was, or what he was experiencing, caused him fear, anxiety, stress, anger, depression, whatever else... He had many alternative choices. He could choose at any time to do something about those issues, access help and attempt to make changes instead of continuing to be miserable and abusing people around him. There are many types of outside assistance available to help too: support groups, online resources, many kinds of therapy and therapists, medications...

Yes, it is very sad that our OCPD spouses choose to live that way...

I am glad to hear that you are making better choices for yourself and are maintaining some boundaries and some physical space!! There is a difference even in the way you write when you post now. You come across as more sure and certain. I hope your wife gets some help Jsinjin and you continue on your path of progress and peace.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

You seem to be in a very good place, Jsinjin.  I'm so glad for you that you've found a way to keep your boundaries.

I grew up with an OCPD parent (wet hoarder).  I don't think I ever felt much except revulsion -- never compassion that I can think of.  I was just remembering the other day waiting until late at night when they were asleep to sneak out and try to cut through some disgusting grime on the floor or counters.  I really did feel I was doing something very wrong, like stealing or something.  I wasn't moving one item, just trying to cut through some grunge and hope against hope it wouldn't be noticed.  Such a bizarre way to grow up.

You're an inspiration, Jsinjin.  Thanks for sharing. 

[notrightinthehead]

Congratulations! You seem to be in a good place. So proud of you that you choose to remove yourself from the abuse.

I agree with BeautifulCrazy, your wife has a choice too. Seems like she chooses to continue her behavior.

At least you don't stick around for it anymore.

[Cat of the Canals]

I suspect most of the people who "inspire" us to post here on Out of the FOG are the way they are because they are quite miserable, deep down. Many of them are good at hiding it -- my BPD "queen" mom, for example, would never admit to feeling out of control the way your wife did. Her entire personality is constructed around projecting an image of perfection at all times. Admitting vulnerability, therefore, is a no go.

Logic tells me that only someone with a deep level of fear and insecurity would need such a construction in the first place. So I absolutely feel compassion for that. How absolutely terrified she must be inside that Someone Might Find Out (that she's not so perfect after all). Not to mention all she's lost out on and will continue to lose out on because she's so damn scared of being vulnerable.

So yeah, I feel bad for her. But it's mostly a distant, detached kind of compassion.

[Breadroll]

Your cottage escape is genius, and it is good to hear of this success in handling a PD.

Am so sorry you had to survive the hoarder parent lookin 2 b
Shaking head- unimaginable that a child should be left in this

Looking at my own new conflict free toilet brush with renewed appreciation.  It is so good to be beyond the reach of pd control-wishing you strength and peace