2 months after breakup feeling destroyed emotionally

[dazedandconfused]

Hello all. I posted a more thorough story on the welcome mat, but long story short: I was in a 3 year relationship with a woman who fits criteria of NPD and HPD both. She never raged, which makes me doubt myself, but she triangulated very often, I mean weekly or every other week at some points. For someone who struggled to tell the truth and described herself as a pathological liar at one point, she somehow always managed to let me know about the guy she gave her phone number to who was so attractive, or the ex from the past that she "needed to check on" because soldiers at the base he was stationed at were suicidal or how she had sex with her ex in a Halloween costume, then I would be wondering if that was the self-same costume when I went trick or treating with her and her kids (it was). She would tell me I was overreacting or that she "thought I would just get over it" when she would go to a party with someone who she talked to behind my back and hooked up with when we were on a break. Or when she painted her house with the last guy she was with before me (who I later found out she cheated with). I guess this qualifies as gaslighting.

We broke up about two months ago, maybe 2.5 months. It was pretty much orchestrated by her. She put me in a position she knew I would leave over and then she said she "needed to do the hard work" of working on herself (which means staying at a job she has slept with half her coworkers in) when I wanted to stay together. My problem is likely to be unpopular on this board, and I understand why: I miss her with every fiber of my being. I would take her back in a heartbeat. Maybe it's a trauma bond or maybe I'm completely crazy in who I love, but there it is. It's absolutely killing me that she discarded me like a piece of trash after 3 years. The breaking point was that I wanted her to change her job (she had cheated with coworkers, actually had sex with them AT work, and refused to even change to day shift). I feel like any normal, sane person would demand the same. I guess it doesn't matter. I feel so alone. I have very few friends and am on a travel assignment so what few friends I have are long-distance. I dream about my ex, heartbreaking dreams of loss. I feel such anxiety and pain that I really want to drink a beer or three after work most days. But when I do, I'm much less likely to exercise or eat enough. I'm working night shift and that brings its own problems. I am feeling hopeless about my future. I feel sexually destroyed, I actually went out with a woman and felt completely unattracted to her. My ex joked about me being old, turning 40, etc... then orchestrated the breakup about a week before my 40th birthday. So I feel old, unlovable, unwanted, unattractive. I actually have a plastic surgery consult scheduled in a few days. I hate pretty much everything about my body. Maybe just knowing that people have been through similar things and eventually gotten to a better place would help. Thank you. 

[notrightinthehead]

Dazedandconfused, sometimes we crave what we know is bad for us. It's an addictive behavior. Sounds like your partner is repeatedly unfaithful, doesn't care about your opinion on that, is unwilling to change her behavior, and that makes you suffer.

You might want to look into the reasons why you crave what makes you suffer. You mention loneliness. You mention previous traumatic losses. I think before you do anything else, you should actively search for emotional support for yourself. Look for self help groups, online or in real life. Call the hotlines when bad thoughts overwhelm you. Help is out there, go and reach out, just like you have done here.