saying no to ex

[desertpine]

So after over 15 years of no-contact, I recently bumped into an ex-boyfriend who was very controlling and narcissistic when we dated. It was strange to feel both excited and fearful all over again. But I'm not who I was back then - I am a bit wiser when it comes to recognizing the signs. This time when he asked if we could get together to catch up, I set limits and was able to mentally check off the warning signs: gaslighting, deception, need for control, self-absorption and lack of empathy. Check, check, check, check.
And this time I noticed what was missing, how running into him was strange when compared to how things usually go with friends who run into each other. What was missing was any curiosity, any interest in my life. What was missing was spontaneous time spent catching up, exchanging hugs, and sharing pictures. It left me with this confused feeling - like, what just happened? That was so strange!
Now I know to pay attention to that feeling!
It's harder to notice what isn't there but I'm getting better at that too.
So, I said 'no' to his unreasonable request to get drinks and dinner sometime. No thank you - I'm busy, I'm married, I don't drink, I am not available. Nope. nope. nope.
And by doing so, I am saying 'yes' to my sanity and safety. 

[SonofThunder]

Hi desertpine,

You described a very mindful check-off of considerations that were both present and missing and happy that you are considering your sanity and safety.  But then you wrote "I'm married" as part of list of possible reasons for "Nope.nope.nope".

Therefore, was this encounter just an exercise by you in mindfulness, since you are married?  Maybe I'm old fashioned/behind the times, or don't know something crucial for understanding, but if your ex-boyfriend did not have any of the missing elements you described, would your answer have possibly been a yes to drinks and/or dinner with an ex boyfriend, although you are married?  In my marriage, even though it was to a PDspouse, the fact that "i'm married" was a polite 'nope' right out of the gate.

Did the ex-boyfriend know you are currently married and still asked about possibly drinks and dinner?  If he did not know, what was his reaction when you told him you were married?

Stay sane and safe!

SoT

[Hilltop]

Hey desertpine, it is interesting when you remove yourself from PD's that their behaviour is more noticeable and the signs of it are more obvious.  The lack of interest is very common. 

The feeling is very telling isn't it.  I was so use to not even recognising that feeling or not trusting it.  Now I am NC with FOO I can actually feel that feeling of something is off, or a lower energy, or a thought of that's strange, or I leave someone feeling bad about myself and not knowing why but the feeling is there and now I don't dismiss it.  Now I see it as a red flag.

Sounds like you have changed a lot whereas your ex hasn't. No self awareness with him. Whilst it can be fun to catch up with people from your past I am glad you are choosing sanity and safety.