Awake

[Oleander]

Greetings to all of you,

I am new here and fairly new to realizing that my H of 10 years is an undiagnosed covert narcissist (and less surprised to realize that my father is probably an undiagnosed overt narcissist). It's not that I hadn't noticed the patterns of my H's behavior or thought he had narcissistic traits, but early this summer, it finally clicked after he once again asked for a divorce in retaliation for or to distract me from a boundary I was trying to set. I realized that he was not just reacting emotionally, but using a series of behaviors to regain control and to avoid taking responsibility - and sadly, I also realized that he knows how much it hurts me and does it anyway. Now in couple's therapy while I am pulled between trying to work things out and to build on the positive aspects of our relationship (and there are positive bits, somehow) or leave. Trying to weigh the impact of divorce on our child versus living with a parent who models emotional abuse and who sometimes uses those tactics on his child as well. It is a confusing time because he can be a great companion, a lot of fun, and a very attentive father who makes decisions based on his core values. But when he's not being Dr. Jekyll, he is being a very scary and unpredictable and dysfunctional Mr. Hyde, and he has created a lot of trouble in our family. While getting through this, I am so happy to have discovered this site for help coping with his behavior and maintaining a core of stability in our home.

[Oleander]

Thanks. I do plan to take a look at the videos, though I have been observing the intermittent reinforcement patterns already and am aware that at least part of the time the reiforcement seems deliberate and calculated. Even in the good times, you never know when the tables will turn, and I know that if I tried to talk about certain topics, the switch would flip and that is not a great way to live. I did try out the MC strategy just yesterday to avoid escalation and it worked to allow me to enjoy my day and things are back to normal faster today. I am not ready to fully emotionally disengage, as I will not feel right in the long run if I am not sure that I have done everything I can before giving up.