Pastor showing favoritism. Sucker punch to the father wounds.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Our pastor has a very difficult personality. Allows the narcs on staff to run the show. Generally passive. Poor communicator.

I would love to go elsewhere, but there really is nowhere else. There is sloooow progress being made in some of these areas, despite the pastor. Most of the good people just have decided not my circus not my monkeys. Come on Sunday and then just go about their lives. We'll get a new pastor in a couple of years. In the name of charity, people really don't talk about it, but there's a tacit acknowledgment that he just isn't the fatherly figure we would hope for. There's some toxic positivity of exaggerating his good qualities (he does have some haha) and that we just have to pray more.

Surprise, surprise, I'm not content to just leave it at that.

What's sticking in my craw right now is the blatant favoritism. He's made special friends of this one couple. My friend "Susie" and her husband, particularly. I've written about her before with regard to feeling envious of how she makes people like her. There's a really toxic dynamic of people will not/cannot approach the pastor. Seriously he's a master at the brush-off. But they will go to Susie and ask her to intercede.

I have a major problem with this, to put it mildly. She's like, "Well if I can do some good I won't refuse to do so. Pastors need friends too. All things to all people!" Of course it's spun as me just being jealous and wishing I were the favorite. No. Yes, I want to feel seen and loved, sure. But this just shouldn't be.

The only reasonable thing to do is take a major step back from involvement at church. And the relationship with Susie's family in particular. It's just such a shame. I've invested a lot of effort into this church and was willing to give more, but it's costing me too much emotionally.

[SonofThunder]

Call Me Cordelia,

Im sorry that your church, other church members and pastor are difficult and becoming a hardship in your life. That definitely would rub into a sore spot, after you have invested so much time and energy.

You wrote: "...but its costing me too much emotionally"

I have been out of the brick & mortar church for many years, yet my faith is stronger now than ever. I certainly understand that the worldwide 'church' (body of believers) is made up of us mere humans, but all the brick & mortar protestant local churches in which I have been a member, were also "..costing me too much emotionally".

Frankly, some of the same covert manipulations that were happening in my FOO home and then marriage, were also happening in the church body and church leadership. Im done with all three, as all three are the very opposite of their created intent, as well described by your quote. 

Im overjoyed to be a part of the worldwide body of believers, and I fellowship with a few others who are believers as well, but I'm done with power hierarchy that exists in most organizations.  Instead, focusing my attention on my relationship with Christ, understanding his teaching and then allowing myself to be available (in proper self-care balance) to emotionally come-alongside others that are present in my life journey.  That has been opposite of the experience of your quote. I do not miss the local brick & mortar gathering, nor the supposed membership. 

Im an introvert, so the social aspect of the brick & mortar was not desired by me. Yet, I still have social needs and my desires are filled in other ways, outside of the local brick and mortar church. 

Wishing you the best as you figure out your next steps. You are not alone in your experiences. 

SoT

Btw, there is an easy-reading book by the excellent, Wayne Jacobsen, titled 'So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore'.  Its actually a wonderful fictional story of a pastor who was power/control run out of the church and what he discovered in the world, in Christ and in himself. I recommend the read.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks for your kindness, SOT. I'm Catholic, so opting out of the physical church all together is not an option for me. As imperfect as we are, we need each other and the sacraments that God gave us through the Church. But leaning more into my relationship with Christ is ALWAYS going to be the right move!

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - I have yet to be part of a church family that didn't have dysfunction, favoritism, rivalries, and just plan odd dynamics between certain folks. It can be so disheartening and discouraging. It is especially hard when the shepherd of the flock is not leading with loving kindness and sensitivity to one and all. I am so sorry! Very easy to see how this would activate father wounds.

If your church is meeting your family's needs over all I can see how you wouldn't want to leave. Especially as there is possible respite in sight with your Pastor's tenure ending in a bit.

I can see the value in pulling back in your relationship with Susie and investing your time and energies where you are treated with respect and equality and the atmosphere is healthier.

I have no doubt you bring great passion and wisdom to this body of believers as you learn and grow in Christ together. My hope is that you won't allow this to steal your joy in worship and fellowship with others.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks, Bloomie. Possibly too much passion... I'm a bit riled again.  Attempting to discreetly yet directly address the problem got me very direct shutdown in return.

These are some (altered) money quotes: "Jesus had clear favorites amongst his apostles and had to deal with the jealous fallout, too." "That's your pride that is hurting you." "Susie has a great personality and does the most work around here. Of course she's the favorite. Maybe you should volunteer more."

More? I've done a number of things with nary a thank you from the priests or staff. I didn't do them for thanks, but yes, I'm a human and would like to be appreciated. I didn't bring that up, because that wasn't exactly the issue. But that the lack of appreciation was at once acknowledged and then blamed on me blew me away. MY takeaway is not that I'm like the people jealous of Peter, James, and John. (???) More like there are some stunningly poor boundaries going on here. And instead of trying to compete for favor, I should just take that step right back away. The only way to win that one is not to play. If I tried to be anywhere near Susie's level of church-lady, I'd be a burned out mess. Aside from the favoritism, as a friend I'm concerned by how much she does, but that's obviously her choice.

Tomorrow I am continuing with one of those invisible tasks that magically get done.  I have been thanked by others, but it's also time to find some more help with it.

[Srcyu]

Just some possible responses for future use that sprang to mind when I read your latest update.

*Jesus had clear favourites too .. 'well yes he did, based on what he saw in those people. Are you comparing yourself to Him?'

*That's your pride that is hurting you ..'thank you for your observation but it's actually your behaviour that is hurting me.'

*Susie has .. maybe you should volunteer more .. 'so she makes you feel good - that's a gift of hers. Maybe you should appreciate other people more instead of allowing yourself to be dazzled by the brightest star. Jesus was after all, aware of everyone.'

The pastor knows how to play people. It's terrible how someone like him gets to be in charge in the first place.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Fwiw these things were not said by the pastor. Attempting to be direct... as the avoidant structure allows. 

[bloomie]

And instead of trying to compete for favor, I should just take that step right back away. The only way to win that one is not to play.

Very wise!! Often, we are trying to figure out where we fit in a community and finding ourselves realizing there are a lack of healthy boundaries and what sounds like some who may lean toward a view that ones' worth and righteousness is earned by works can throw us sideways.

I like your passion!! 

[Srcyu]

Fwiw these things were not said by the pastor. Attempting to be direct... as the avoidant structure allows. 

 

[1footouttadefog]

I know this is an older thread, but I am guessing this is still a thing for you CMC.

I am not Catholic, bit came up in a formerly Catholic family and have had lots of close Catholic friends.

I get the dynamics that make you "stuck" there. U have at times been stuck with a church.

I found ways to thrive and minister while remaining out of the spotlight and avoiding the power clique.  I became involved in the things no one else wanted to do because they were lowly, or did not garner attention.  I studied my Bible myself or engaged with others ohtsode the church.  I went to church and worshipped and stayed out of the power struggle.

I ended up making new friends this way. My worship and prayer life is now less reliant on what takes place at a church. My over all life is more tuned in that it would have been had I not been forced to disconnect emotionally.

The truth and meaning of the Mass does not belong to that Priest, or that Parrish.

I hope you find a way to have your needs met, and Perhaps there are some other awesome folks oitsode the clique you can get to know. 

   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, this is so true and so wise. I recently came to the end of my term in a leadership role and did not seek to continue. I'm opting out of a lot of that stuff, since I'm no longer committed to committees and blah blah blah. My life at church is better already. The irritating stuff is still there but it's no longer my stuff to deal with.