Taking and not giving by PDs

[countrygirl]

Hello,

Over the past three months I have been supportive of a friend who's husband had a sudden serious health problem.  My husband and other friends have commented on how often I've been on the phone with her.  In fact, I have talked to her virtually every day.  While discussing various issues having to do with her husband's care and with her starting to help his assistant out with her husband's business, I have made a point of telling her what a great job she has been doing. 

She's doubted that she has been doing a great job, because she's been beset with anxiety.  I have told her that it is only human to experience anxiety.  That, in fact, the job she has done is admirable precisely because she has persevered despite anxiety.  She has seemed appreciative of what I have said. 

Finally, the day came that she could bring her husband home from the care facility.  Understandably, she was worried about this, and in the weeks leading up to the day, we discussed all that she needed to do to prepare.  Again, I reassured her.  I told her I knew she would be very busy, but  I asked her  please to drop me a line or give me a brief call to let me know how it was going.

Well, I have not heard a word from her, despite several emails asking how it is going.  My husband and my friends ask how she is, and I tell them I haven't heard a word.  In my last email, I told her that I would try calling her soon, and that of course she didn't have to pick up if she was too busy to talk.

I had a strong feeling that she just wasn't bothering to let me know anything.  So I checked a Facebook group she has and, sure enough, she had been posting there. Now I do not feel like calling her, or at least not anytime soon.

Please understand that I know she has been through so much, which is precisely why I am venting here.  I would never think of venting to her, because I don't want to add an ounce of burden to her shoulders.  But I am hurt that I haven't heard from her.  After spending untold hours with her discussing all of this during the summer, I simply want to know how things are going.  Actually, now that I know she's posting on-line, I think things are probably not going horribly, at least.

I have had this sort of thing happen more than once.  I think most people have had it happen:  That you're there for someone, and once they have taken all of you they've wanted, gotten all of the support and warmth they needed, they are no longer there.  In other words, you are still there for them, but they are not longer there for you!  It has reached the point that I feel I can only depend upon my husband and my best friend.  I am lucky to have them, I do realize!  But it seems that whenever I reach out to other people, something like the above happens. It makes me feel that my only appeal for these people is being supportive of them.

I will say that this person has never been that supportive of me.  She has reserved the right to become upset about anything--things which are infinitely less upsetting than her husband's illness, I mean:  The illness would have upset anyone, of course!  But she has been dismissive about my concerns over the years, to the point that I actually stopped telling her most of my concerns.  There was no point.  So the friendship was mostly about her, anyway, because my issues were not HER issues.  Still, I felt that she did care about me. As I write this, however, it feels apparent that she never did really care for me for myself, but just as someone to whom she could vent.     

[notrightinthehead]

I am sorry this happened to you. I can relate to your post. I have had similar experiences in the past,  maybe not quite as hurtful as the one you describe. I would feel so used and discarded in your place.

I don't know about you, but in my case it stems from a severe Co-dependency issue. I thrive on the feeling of being needed, useful, supportive. I love giving over and above, putting in the extra into a relationship. Because I know this weakness of mine, I have set myself rules of what I allow myself to accept in any relationship. Just to ensure some reciprocity. This all sounds very rational and  regulated but it allows me to focus on interactions where I get something back for what I give. It stops me to contact a person for the nth time because now I have to wait til they contact me after I contacted them twice and tried to set up a time to meet. I set myself time limits how long I listen to another person before I speak or excuse myself. This way the energy vampires have faded from my life. I am no longer useful for them. Do I miss the high I got from jumping all in and adopting another persons' problem? Sometimes. I don't miss the feeling of being sucked dry and discarded.

As I wrote, this might not be your problem at all, you might just be a very nice person who has the bad luck of meeting people in dire straights, who forget about you the moment they are coping. I like to look at my own contribution to a situation, because that is where I can make a change.

[Catothecat]

Hi, countrygirl.  Oh indeed yes, I can relate!  I've had this happen to me throughout my life--those friends who see me as their free therapist.  They're more than eager to tell me their woes, to seek out my support or even my help, but never reciprocate because that's not part of the friendship.  It got to where I could predict the need was developing, because suddenly these friends were trying to make themselves important in my life.  Before, I would primarily be the one keeping in touch with them, but a shift would be made and there they were wanting to be in touch with me.  And almost always, it was because something was "going on" in their life that they needed to discuss.  Which I was always glad to do, but after the talk was done and the crisis had passed, the relationship went back to its previous, indifferent low level.

I would be puzzled and hurt and even angry, but after many years of this I decided I had two options--either to accept how they were and continue to be the friend in their need, or to make myself unavailable.  Mostly, I engage the latter, which means I have few friends these days because so many were users of my time and energy but unwilling to expend anything of themselves.  I no longer consider them friends at all, just people in my life who at times found me a convenience.  And some of these people I'd known since high school, so the realization was quite bitter.

I was also one of those who was too easily available and even prided myself on that trait because I thought if anyone could do it, I could.  I could be that therapist that was so needed.  At times I even thrived on the behavior, because it made me feel good about myself, made me feel useful.  And it still can, but I had to learn to set limits and to be realistic about what was going on.  So I still allow a few friends to use me for venting, but I now know them well enough and have enough experience with them to understand them and why they do what they do.  For others, however, it was always just a one-way street.  Yeah, that was a bitter realization.

[countrygirl]

Hi Notright nad Catof!

Thank you for your prompt and thoughtful replies.   

Ironically, before this person's husband became so ill I had succeeded in distancing myself from her.  I did this during Covid, when the last thing I wanted to deal with was a one-sided friendship.  But, yes, I am one of those people who will step in when there's a crisis, even when I know what is likely to happen.  I need to stop doing this, or if I do want to be there to some extent, I have to set some boundaries. 

I ended up finally hearing from this friend late yesterday afternoon.  The conversation was totally about what she was dealing with, and that was okay with me, because she is dealing with a lot.  What is not okay is that this is how she is when she's NOT having a crisis.   

Now that I know she's basically okay--the outcome for her husband is still up in the air; and it's going to be a long term recovery, if he does recover--I feel more relaxed.  So will take this time to think about how I'm going to handle things going forward.

The past year has been stressful, and I just don't have the resilience I once had, so I need to guard my energy more carefully. Even though I feel it is doing the right thing to be there for my friends, I think this person isn't really a friend.  Actually, it just occurred to me that one reason it is good to end things with people who aren't really your friends is that users will try to use you when in need.  If I hadn't remained friends-of-a-sort with this person, she wouldn't have reached out to me.  I need to conserve my energies for those who do care about me, and for myself.  If I still feel the need to give back, it is probably best to give to charities.     

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I can relate to your post. Sometimes I think growing up around those with PD can sort of lead you to think your value is in the support you give to others. It is via that behavior that we get recognition, feel "seen" by them, and get treated with relevance. I think it might have something to do with PDs treating others as a type of appliance they take off the shelf when they need it, then when the need is met, the appliance goes back on the shelf until the next time.
 
I do not think this has anything to do with you at all or reflects anything about you personally. I am sure you have several outstanding qualities anyone would want in a friend, but those with PD just seem kind of blind to the goodness in others unless they can make some use of it.

I think you are doing very well in recognizing the behavior, identifying your need to conserve your energy for yourself, and assessing your boundaries for any future contact. I think those are all very healthy steps that will support you well moving forward.

[countrygirl]

Hi Blueberry Pancakes,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post!   

I like the analogy with the appliance.  I have often said that I feel a couple of people treat me like I'm a faucet which can be turned on and off at will.  Or in the case of a friend who loves TV, as if sometimes she would like to switch the channel when I'm taking about something which doesn't interest her. 

For sure being raised by PD parents doesn't teach people to value themselves, but rather to see themselves as being of value primarily in how they can serve others.     

I agree with you that often PDs do not see other's good qualities unless they can use them in some way.   

Thank you so much for your support regarding my plans for going forward.  I need to be conscious of these plans while interacting with these users.  I suspect they will drift off once they can no longer use me as much.

In dealing with these people, I can see their good qualities, and always am hopeful that they will change.  But the older I get, the more I realize that few people are willing to make the effort to change.  And of course Ns in particular see no need to change, since they are perfect...