Potential C-PTSD?

[Mons]

I've been out of my abusive relationship for almost 12 years now. I went NC the day I left him and- apart from the fact I haven't had another relationship since because I can't shake the perception that relationships lead to clipped wings- I haven't particularly thought about him/the relationship for all of this time.

I recently started having counselling for depression and in the process of talking about past experiences I realised that the above relationship could actually be the root of my current problems. Long story short I gave up a once in a lifetime opportunity that I'd worked really hard for to move to the city where my ex lived (I'd known him 4 months, it was a distance relationship, and he didn't even consider it exclusive at the time). For the 12 years since leaving him all of my life plans (job, education, moving) have ended in either a) start then drop out/change my mind within a year, or b) go through all the application/interview process-> get hired/accepted-> turn them down without even starting.

While discussing this with my counsellor I realised that single choice I made 15 years ago- well the fact it led me into the arms of an abuser who appeared lovely at the point I made said choice- is the root. Not wanting to make a bad decision, not wanting to be tied down, wanting a get out clause, not trusting myself to made positive changes. All of it can be traced back to that.

There doesn't have to be a label for it like C-PTSD or whatever. I'm just wondering how people deal with this type of thing, and what the best approach is. Counselling has been great for uncovering the issue but I'm not sure how much it can really unfreeze me?

Thanks for reading

[notrightinthehead]

Let me be the devil's advocate here: Could it be that the move to the city where ex lived was also part of the pattern (life plans (job, education, moving) have ended in either a) start then drop out/change my mind within a year, or b) go through all the application/interview process-> get hired/accepted-> turn them down without even starting)? Because you wrote :I gave up a once in a lifetime opportunity that I'd worked really hard for.

Sometimes we can get scared when we are close to achieving something we really want and sabotage ourselves. If that was your pattern, you would want to look at CBT and work on changing your behavior.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Mons,

Im so sorry you suffer with this, even a decade+ out of that abusive relationship. 

You wrote:

"Not wanting to make a bad decision, not wanting to be tied down, wanting a get out clause, not trusting myself to made positive changes"

My understanding of your post, is that you wrote that regarding important, weighted, life-altering types of decisions.

"all of my life plans (job, education, moving) have ended in either.."

Those kinds of changes in my own life (and for most folks I know) come gift-wrapped in certain stressors, no matter their backstory.  But you have a story of past abuse, therefore those subjects can be more fraught with anxieties and fears of the unknown.

Having been married for 3 decades to a PD and prior raised by a PD, unknowns are my kryptonite.  The skillful shapers of manipulative experiences in my Krypton world have been experts at keeping my entangled life in a fluid state at all times.  Im done with that and have set out to steadily turn my unknowns to knowns, exposing truths in myself and those around me and using the toolbox to guide my path. Failure is loathed but expected and necessary, so accepted as a tool in my teaching.

About 15 years ago, I bought a puppy; a pointer puppy. Bless her sweet soul I hope she's happily hunting with the hounds of Heaven 💙  Just prior to her turning one, I started a very strict daily training regiment with her and by her 3rd birthday, she and I operated as a well oiled machine.  I trained her using a wonderful combination of old-school bird dog training methods, but with a new-school twist; she will teach herself, by turning her unknowns to knowns, all within the boundary of my old-school limitations. 

I had aspirations of bird hunting, but life with 2 kids, pets, my work and the ever changing to-do list of life with a PD spouse kept that well buried.  Life with a well-trained, capable pointer by my side at home, work and in the truck, was like having a Ferrari in the garage, just ready to rumble at a moments notice. 

In order for me to pull off the training, I had to start her off with some fairly easy obstacles and a lot of patience.  You can watch a dog think. You can see them weigh all the objects in play and their options, and after some time (sometimes a very long time), they will choose.  Many times she chose wrong and failed, but I made no fuss over it and reset the scene once more. There's that first time she chose correctly, and the joy was an outpouring and I could see her think, and think about the previous wrong choices, hesitate and choose once more. Fear of failure in the unknowns was her prevention, but she eventually learned to choose correctly and each time she did, she added that experience to her quiver.

The successes started to come faster for her and I slowly introduced greater challenges. At one point in the process, she started outsmarting me and finding methods to achieve the goals in her own way, and I knew she had then trained herself, and now she was beginning to train me. Teamwork!

All of this turning unknowns to knowns takes practice, failure, more failure, even more failure still and then with all that experience, the successes start to occur and grow from there. Starting small is the key!

Are there ways for you to start smaller, right where you are now; same town, same job, same you, challenging your own kryptonite with small unknowns and working upward only when the successes with the small start coming frequently?

Eventually imo, with steady practice as you teach yourself, you will be turning much larger unknowns to knowns with greater confidence and successes will be a growing percentage in your life.  With my four legged pal, failure was just a true friend, teaching and prodding her forward on the next attempt. I have learned from her, my sweet girl.

Wishing you all the best and go easy on yourself when your fail, as failure is your teacher as long as you keep resetting the scene.

Cheers,

SoT