I have a sister

[BeautifulCrazy]

I am new to this part of the forum. I have a sister with a PD and/or mental illness, but I have not had consistent contact with her since we were teens. (She has been diagnosed variously over the years as either Bipolar or Borderline PD) Now that I am thinking about it, we haven't actually spoken in 5 or 6 years. It isn't intentional on my part, I just stopped being a source of supply, so I don't interest her much anymore. My mum keeps in regular contact with her, but she tends to ignore mum's calls, texts and messages most of the time. When she does respond to mum, her manner is unpredictable. Usually if she responds to mum or, heaven forbid, actually reaches out first, it is because she needs or wants something.

For decades now, interactions with my sister follow a reliable pattern:
-She makes some type of contact.
-She demands resources, help, or, at absolute minimum, time and attention.
-She gets upset at not having her way, or at some perceived slight.
-She causes chaos and hurt. (Scorched earth style)
-She leaves. (This may be for days, weeks, months or even years.)


My mum recently found out she has cancer. It's bad. She won't be here for much longer.
Naturally, she reached out to my sister to give her the news.
So now, added to this situation that is absolutely horrible and heartrending and difficult, we have this utterly insane and destructive person.

I have so many complicated and mixed up feelings about her.
She is my baby sister and I love her.
I hate her and I wish she would disappear.
I wish she would get herself together and just be a normal and loving daughter to my mum.
She always hurts my mum, who is the most loving and lovable and incredible person and she doesn't deserve to be always getting hurt and taken advantage of.
I am embarrassed by my sister's awful behavior in public, online, in private, everywhere she goes. I hate that I am related to her.
I feel weirdly protective of her. I don't make excuses or allowances for her anymore but somewhere deep down I still want to sometimes.
I am so angry with my sister.
I wish I could help her. 
I hope she gets super upset and leaves and doesn't come back until after mum is dead.
I'd like to tell her to f**k right off and don't show her face near our mum again.
I'd like her to be there for mum and for me, the way we would be there for her, but I know she isn't able to do that. I wish I understood why.
I want the kind of sister my girlfriends have.
I wish she could just be a decent human being and not always complicate things with her incessant dramas.
I wish she would help out with something. Anything. Instead of leaving all the heavy lifting and responsibility to me.
I want her to be held accountable for all the years and years of bulls**t and heartache she has put us through, all the time and money and energy that we have wasted on her. I want to yell and scream and humiliate her and tell her how much I f**king hate her.
I want to go back in time and fix whatever it is that made her this way.
I know this is going to hurt like hell for her too. I wish I could spare her that.
 

[Hilltop]

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that on top of the news about your mum. 

[BeautifulCrazy]

I can see that my sister is dragging my mum down when she comes to visit. She is too self centered and "busy" to visit very often, or for very long, but I can see the effect she has on my mum.
I am not sure how to talk to my mum about it, or if it would be well received. We have had low-intensity conflict about my sister forever. My mum feels defensive of her, even though she is hurt by her actions. Which I understand. Plus, being her mum is very different from being her sibling. I can see how much more difficult it would be to cultivate detachment.
I wonder if there are any boundaries at all that would be helpful for mum. Or if she would be able to do it, if there were. I am realizing that she already has taken some self protective measures, like having me already in place as POA, designate, cosignatory wherever possible. So she has already protected herself from being taken advantage of/ exploited, financially, medically etc. But is there any way for her to protect herself emotionally? I know that she is an adult and she will have to figure these things out for herself, and do what she needs to do. Generally she is really good at that.
I feel so uncomfortable about this! There is not much that I feel uncomfortable talking about with my mum. I think this might, literally, be the only thing in the world. Maybe this isn't even my stuff to be worrying and thinking about. Or maybe it is the opposite and it is ALL my stuff, about my own feelings to do with my sister. Regardless, it sucks to see my mum hurting and feel powerless to do anything. I wish my sister would magically change or else disappear forever.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry about your mother's illness, and I understand your torrent of feelings.

Maybe you could approach this by reminding your mother that you will do all you can to keep her comfortable during her illness and that you will talk with her about anything and everything that she wants to talk about.

[Leonor]

Hi Beautiful,

I'm sorry for your mom's illness and your sister's upsetting behavior.

You ask about boundaries for your mom around your sister. I would kindly suggest boundaries for you around both of them.

Your mom has a different relationship with your sister than you do, because your sister is her daughter. They have a different dynamic than you and your mom, because they are different people from you and to each other. They have a relationship in which they are both participating. Remember, your mom raised your sister. Your sister may be reacting to something in your mom from way back that you don't know about. And that's ok, because it's not your business.

It is very hard to not get drawn into theit dynamic, especially as mom is unwell and everyone is under tremendous stress and experiencing high anxiety. If this is a pattern between them, it's likely to get worse right now. People fall harder into old patterns during tough times. Even if those patterns are unhealthy in your view, the people engaged in them find them comforting.

And that, dear Beautiful, includes patterns like Being the Good Sister, Being the Dutiful Daughter, Being Mom's Shoulder to Cry On, Being Mom's Protector, Being the Scold, and so on. These are patterns of behavior that seem right and comforting to you, especially now, when your mother's physical illness makes her seem more vulnerable emotionally (as well as triggers your sister's reactivity) but they are unhealthy. They put you squarely between two adult women in their own unique relationship who are dug hard into their patterns right now. They may even want you to do that, to play those roles, because it's familiar to them, too.

By getting clear on what you can do (enjoy time with my mom, limit time around my sister) and cannot do (make my mother see, make my sister change), you will be able to come up with some boundaries that will allow you to be your own authentic, aware and caring self and keep you from exhausting yourself caring for your mom.

It's not about being cold or distant towards your mom, or submissive towards your sister. It's just about getting clear on how you want to engage with the two of them in a way that gives you space and peace around your own feelings and struggled with the eventual loss of your mom.

[LemonLime]

Hi BC,
I'm so very sorry to hear about your mom.

I have an uPD sister who I believe is covertN.  She's tricky because she has a lot of N traits but probably would not be diagnosed as N.  My parents are enablers and I think Mom in particular has tons of guilt about not being a warm and nurturing mom to sib.  Mom was raised by neglectful and possibly physically abusive alcoholics and simply did not know what to do with my sib's high-spirited personality.  Understandable, but it did damage to sib.

That stress and dysfunction for some reason gets focused on me.  Sib directs rage to me, that would probably be better spent communicating with parents about upbringing.  Parents and sib get along fine in spite of sib's rages.  They're enablers and guilt-ridden.

Anyhow, FWIW I really relate to what I hear as seemingly contradictory feelings about your sib.  You love her and want to protect her, and also want to tell her to F-off.  Oh, I totally get that.  If I start getting angry in my head about sib, it's not long before I'm overcome with compassion for her.  And when I start to feel compassion for her, the anger is not far behind.  It's crazy-making.  It's one of the most difficult things for me about dealing with this situation, in fact.  The total contradiction in feelings.

I understand.  It's part of the whole mess of PD's, I believe.

You're doing great.  It's terribly hard work.  Keep going.



PS:  EMDR did help me quite a bit with dealing with the stress of all this.  Didn't take it all away but certainly lightened the load and I feel less "stuck".