Advice please

[Rose01]

My partner and I have been together 5 years on and off. He cheated on me to begin with and we broke up. We got back together 2 years ago after a break. Things have improved and he has told me about all his encounters and why he did it. Says it was after a 20 year old marriage where his needs were not met.

I have forgiven him but he makes me feel occasionally that I am not affectionate enough for him. We had a recent row where he tried to tell me he felt insecure and I just teased him. I do have a sense of humour but I am not spiteful and he I think he knows that. I'm not sure what his game is and why he tries to make me feel so bad. I work hard, have two kids from my ex husband and he makes me feel inadequate. Please can someone help me understand what I'm feeling.

[Leonor]

Hi Rose,

I think you're feeling sad. I think you are with a man who claims to love you, but says and does things to make you feel unimportant, unloved and "not enough." I think you feel confused because after your last relationship, and now this relationship, that you try to do whatever you can to make your partner happy and he is not happy. I think you are feeling afraid that if this relationship does not work, that means you will be alone for the rest of your life. I think you believe you are not worth feeling good, loved, cherished, and beautiful.

Rose, you know this man is not good for you or your children. He blames the failures in his life on the women in it: his ex, now you. You know he has cheated on you and is cheating on you now. He makes you feel small.

But you also expect it to feel less painful. You expect all your feelings of love and hope and nostalgia to fade away. After all, if you still feel love for this man, maybe there is a way to convince him to love you back.

Rose, he cannot do this. He can only do what he has done.

Maybe there's a way to love you more than you love him. What would that feel like?

[Rose01]

Hi Leonor

Thank you for your reply, I really do appreciate it.  I don't really have anyone to talk to about it so your contribution is so valuable to me.

I guess my concern is that most of the time we just do not row.  We don't argue and I do love his company.  I don't know why I have reacted so badly to this situation.  I did make a sarcastic comment about our intamacy, which I did apologise for - but I didn't mean it.  It was supposed to be a joke but he didn't say anything at the time.  He led me to believe nothing was wrong until one morning he sulked and said that he is conscioius that he doesn't satisfy me.  This is total b'''s by the way.  He makes me feel most of the time he is fulfilled and really happy with me but yet very ocassionally he will sulk and make it to be my fault.

This is a man who is become jealous in the past and cheated on me.  He tells me he is a changed man (he calls himself version 2).  He does seem committed to me but something in my gut tells me something is not right.  I  don't know if this is because of my history with him or my past affecting my relationship - my mum used guilt  a lot!