Distancing from the toxic sil

[cgerrand]

Ghosting is bad but how do I distance myself from my toxic sister-in-law? We were best friends pre- marriage and 36 years of marriage later we usually talk once a week to catch up on family. But she has gone too far in her controlling manipulating ways. I can't bring the issue up with her as she will twist the whole situation into being my fault and I will end up apologising. I am beyond angry as it involved my children. I want to go no contact except the minimum Xmas contact. Any ideas.

[Leonor]

I don't know why ghosting is so bad.

This idea is a new thing.

Back in the day, we just used to say "moved away" or "growing apart" or "moving in different directions" or "not heard from someone in a while." It wasn't such a big deal. It usually didn't occur to someone that the other person was upset or angry or doing something horrible. Even if they were upset or angry - the other person didn't even know!

It was more normal because long distance phone calls were super expensive and people didn't have time to write long letters and find a stamp with enough postage and lick an envelope and so on. Even if you lived closer by, you could only talk on the phone if you were both in rooms with a physical phone.

But now that we're all hyper connected, we have to always be available or else we'll be accused of this ghosting thing. Like having other priorities or things to do, or being out of the house, or just growing apart, is something cruel and selfish as opposed to natural and indicative of a full and busy life.

I've actually ghosted a lot of people, in the modern sense of the word. I got tired of trying to explain to my friends and relatives that my mother was mentally ill and our family was severely dysfunctional, so I stopped explaining. I got tired of listening to people who continually embarked on life choices and situations of their own melodrama, so I stopped listening. So I went and ghosted 'em! Full stop!

It's harder of course with people who move in your family circles, but it can be done. You don't need a big announcement or a dramatic scene. Just get a little busier when invitations are extended. A bit more distracted when conversations take a turn for the dramatic. A little more "hmm" and "ah" when you're addressed directly. A few more dishes to dry when you're hosting guests. A few little errands outside during longer visits. Start to create small pockets of space in your current environment where you can breathe a little freer.

Caveat: they'll notice. They might not be able to pinpoint what you're doing differently, but they'll notice. And they'll ramp up the behavior, trying to draw you back in to that cramped space. Your allies might even wonder what's going on with you lately, you seem more distracted or busy or whatever than usual.

You hold that space firm. You double down: "Oh, is that so? Hmm." And as you get more comfortable with your newfound space, widen it. Dry your dishes and then fold laundry. Run a mile instead of an errand. Smile instead of respond.

No one has the right to your time, your space, your peace. Stretch it out. Stand on your tip toes and throw your arms out wide. You have the right to relish distance. You have the right to grow, and grow apart.

[cgerrand]

Thankyou so much. I will do that. You have encouraged and inspired me!

[bloomie]

cgerrand - I call it a slow fade. Talking on the phone weekly with a sil that controlling, manipulative, and involving your children seems an unreasonable ask of yourself to simply keep the peace. We are not designed to be peace keepers, rather peace makers, and we start within ourselves and our home by removing ourselves from situations that are upsetting and disruptive to us.

Leonor's suggestions and post is inspiring. The toolbox offers strategies like Medium Chill and Gray Rock that have been helpful to me with a similar sil.

I agree with Leonor, any whiff of a change in the temperature of the relationship will most likely be noticed. Hold your ground and stay consistent, cool, calm, collected and live out your boundaries.

Let us know how you are doing as you are able!

[Cat of the Canals]

I don't know why ghosting is so bad.

This idea is a new thing.

Totally agree. Would a more ideal solution be discussing your issues with the person in order to (hopefully) clear up any grievances and establish healthy boundaries? Sure. But some people simply aren't safe to have those conversations with, and it sounds like your SIL is one of them.

To echo what Leonor said, no one is entitled to your friendship, and no one is entitled to have contact with you.

[Poison Ivy]

I think that a person's feelings about ghosting or no contact or whatever one calls it probably depend on whether the person is the initiator or the recipient of the behavior.

[Leonor]

That's very possible, Poison Ivy, but we also have a choice in how to respond.

I've been absolutely ghosted by my family, erased. It hurt, but I can either stay in that hurt ("I've been ghosted by my own mother!") or move through it ("my mom must be really damaged to end her relationship with me.") For friends, I think, "They must be as busy as I am!" or, "We were good friends at one point; I wish them well." After all, if it's really a good ghosting, there's no explanation. No excuses or apology. So if I'm going to tell myself a story about it, it doesn't have to be a ghost story  (sorry couldn't resist!)

In other words, we don't have control over other people, including what they think about how we do. And that's o.k.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree that we don't have control over other people. It was very difficult for me to deal with being ghosted by my husband (now my ex-husband). I had to accept that I could control only my reaction; I couldn't force him to communicate with me.