Hello!

[pecancase]

Hello there!

Rediscovered this site through reddit! Was here in my late teens/early 20s, but never had the courage to make my presence known. Here's my intro post.

I'm in my late 20s and I grew up with emotionally and physically abusive parents. Took me a looong time to realise they had narcissistic tendencies and even longer to accept it without feeling guilty. Took off a couple of years ago and currently back for an extended visit while waiting on some logistics to facilitate a more permanent move away. Have a sister who was likewise abused and she is depressed. Both of us struggle with our parents, friendships and in social situations. We both attract friends who are often lonely, depressed and suffering, and who need validation from us. In my case, some of my friends began calling me out for making bullshit or ableist comments, and I have to admit that I get very hurt about that. I've tried to educate myself on the various self-diagnosed conditions these friends have to better understand how to assist them, but feel like I've come to a roadblock as almost everything I say can be seen as wrong. I'd also like to add that these friends often tell me they had been abandoned or ghosted by their other friends, which sometimes makes me wonder if these friends have PDs themselves, then wonder if I have a PD myself 

I'm glad to say that after several years away, I've learnt to put myself first and allow myself to play and explore my own interests and fail gloriously as my parents were very controlling and critical. I read a lot about therapy and psychology (working on getting a better paying job to actually afford therapy) and try to apply certain techniques to my life. I feel like I've emerged from the depressive haze and found better ways to cope with challenges in life. But now, after recently talking to a friend who is lost in life and quite possibly depressed, I've learnt about toxic positivity and I'm worried I'm projecting it on all these suffering friends through my recovery story.

So I'm here to learn better coping skills, better social skills, and also how to support these friends better without being toxic. If it sounds like I have a PD, or if I come across as harmful or toxic, I'd really like to hear it so I can seek help and minimise the damage I cause to the people around me.

Thanks for reading and I hope to see some of you in the boards! 

[bloomie]

Hi pecancase! Welcome to Out of the FOG. So glad you have officially joined the community. Coming from a family of origin where there are is physical, emotional abuse and where the atmosphere is controlling and critical can make establishing adult relationships challenging.

I can't know if your friends calling you out was warranted or not, but from what you share here, you want to grow and develop into a person of good, sound, resilient character and grow friendships that are healthy, reciprocal, and reliable.

What you will find here, in this community, is a group of fellow travelers that get that adult children of abusive parents struggle in ways that are identifiable and unique. That many of us come to this healing work with something we call fleas. The good news is, if that if we find we have some uncharacteristic behaviors and ways of being that arose from trauma we can work to eradicate those things from our life. We can grow beyond ways of thinking and engaging that are not serving us or those around us.

Take some time and read through the resources at the drop down menus above. Check out the book recommends and other online resources as well. A really helpful resource that is speaking to me right now is the work of Patrick Teahan. Here is a link to his YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@patrickteahanlicswtherapy

When you are ready, join the conversations taking place on the boards. I look forward to supporting you and trust you will find your time here of good support and encouragement.